Xenagogy for Belligerent AIs and Dungeon Denizens
by Quatermass
Summary: Being hit in the face by an EMP didn't kill Church. Instead, he ended up in Nazarick, and after some petty vandalism, ended up in the new world instead of Momonga, with the denizens of Nazarick along for the ride. Now head of a considerably more competent army, will Church control demons both without or within? Or will he succumb to temptation and conquer an unsuspecting new world?
1. Foreword

**FOREWORD**

Well, I recently came across a pair of franchises that I have enjoyed. The first is the series that launched Rooster Teeth's success, the Halo machinima series _Red vs Blue_. The second is the light novel series _Overlord_ , not to be confused with the game series, and later adapted into an anime.

Having already done an _Overlord_ crossover with the Potterverse, I wanted to do a story where someone took Momonga's place, and had similar adventures. A bizarre idea occurred to me, one where Alpha Church, instead of being fried by the EMP at the end of Season 6, somehow ended up in the Tomb of Nazarick. Church may not exactly be overlord material, but he did have ambitions as a leader of men, so, this is his chance.

Incidentally, the word 'xenagogy' means a guidebook, like a travel guide. Considering the new world Church and the NPCs of Nazarick end up in, well, it's appropriate.

Anyway, some disclaimers before we get to the story. Firstly, there will be spoilers for _Red vs Blue_ and _Overlord_. You have been warned.

Secondly, there _will_ be annotations. If you feel the urge to complain, then resist it, or better yet, strangle it.

Thirdly, this is an M-rated work. There will be language, violence, dark themes, and sexual references. Again, you have been warned.

Finally, the following is a fan-written work. _Red vs Blue_ and _Overlord_ are the property of their respective owners. Please support the official release. Otherwise, Caboose will be a team-killing fucktard towards you…


	2. Chapter 1: An AI in Denial

**CHAPTER 1:**

 **AN AI IN DENIAL**

Momonga wasn't happy, for a number of reasons. Leaving aside his annoyance that Yggdrasil's servers were going to be shut down, and the game he had enjoyed was coming to an end (and along with it, the hard work he and his guildmates had put into Ainz Ooal Gown), the fact that only Herohero turned up for the reunion, and due to his employer blowing smoke up his arse, he couldn't be there for the final shutdown like he wanted to, there was something else. He thought it was a hacker, tampering with the Ainz Ooal Gown's raid dungeon, the Tomb of Nazarick.

Most of the alterations were subtle, to tell the truth, ones that Momonga didn't notice until later, and they were fairly benign. But there was the changes made to Shalltear, for example. For some reason, she changed spontaneously from a vampire who looked maybe 14, and with a Gothic Lolita look, to someone somewhat older, at least in her early twenties. No less elegant, cute, or frightening, but still, it was a notable change, and a disturbing one. Okay, it did sort of make Shalltear no longer look like some paedophile's wet dream, but still, someone had tampered with Peroroncino's creation!

And the Staff of Ainz Ooal Gown had gone astray. That was most aggravating of all. The artifact that the members had shed virtual blood, sweat and tears to create was gone. No, stolen. And occasionally, he'd glimpse a guy in cobalt-coloured armour, like something out of a science fiction game, running around.

Momonga personally thought that it was some hacker with a grudge against Ainz Ooal Gown, someone who was using the lessened GM presence as the game wound down to wreak havoc. The GMs who were present merely shrugged and told him that there wasn't really any point.

Momonga was annoyed, even angry, but there was no point. The world he had worked hard to create alongside his comrades was about to go the way of all flesh, an irony, considering he was a skeletal lich in the game. Now he was back to a daily grind that would probably grind him down as thoroughly as it had poor Herohero.

Still, Momonga thought as he logged out, it wasn't like anything interesting was going to happen if he had stayed logged on. Right?

* * *

As the skeletal lich faded away, a blue-armoured figure appeared, wielding a staff. "Whew," he muttered. "Thought that bony douche wouldn't leave."

His name was Captain (well, technically Private) Leonard Church. And he was a literal ghost in the machine. NOT an AI, no matter what that Freelancer fuckwit Washington claimed. If he really was an AI, he wouldn't have survived that EMP, and wouldn't have ended up here (and travelled back in time, again, though the world, from what little he had gathered from overhearing players, was a bit more grotty than he thought the 22nd century was like). Here being, well, some sort of MMORPG using cyberneural technology.

Having ended up in this raid dungeon, and discovering that, as a ghost, he had l33t h4xx0r skillz, he decided to have some fun. Hence the ire of that bony douche. Momonga or something? Seriously, what kind of name was that? It made that pink-wearing Red (Donut, wasn't it?) look well-named by comparison. Then again, he was in a MMORPG, crappy names were par for the course. Seriously, one of the prominent Ainz Ooal Gown members was called Touch Me.

Having found a new home, and being able to use a solid body in here, one he could turn insubstantial at will (so a super-ghost, then!), he had some fun exploring this place. He even began changing the various characters here so they'd have loyalty to him. Yes, brainwashing for fun and profit! He now had an army of loyal soldiers. He also altered the settings on that vampire girl: changed the age and appearance so she wasn't underaged fapping material, got rid of a few of the more disturbing fetishes (he only kept the necrophilia because, well, he was a ghost, even if he was a substantial one, and it might help), and generally made her less like the product of a seriously deranged and perverted mind (seriously, whoever this Peroroncino was, he was fucking worse than Tucker, and that was saying something). He also tinkered with that Albedo chick, made her totally fall in love with him. Hey, she was a bitch, but then again, so was Tex. Maybe he had a masochistic streak for women who could pull his skull out and beat him to death with it.

Plus, with some hacking of his own body (and he could hack ghost bodies in this world, huh? Nope, he didn't dare consider he was an AI), he was now ridiculously OP at Level 100, at least as strong as some of these guys. So, he felt invincible. He had survived an EMP (NOT a ghost! Eat shit and die, Washington, you smug Freelancer fuck!), he could survive the servers shutting down, though he wondered where he would end up next?

Leaving the chambers, he came across Sebas Tian and the Pleiades. The former was a grim-faced older man in a butler's outfit, and despite the ridiculously clichéd name, Church thought him cool. As for the Pleiades…well, Tucker would immediately say 'Bow chicka wow wow' upon seeing them: a sextet of attractive-looking maids. Each probably catering to a specific fetish: you had a headless chick (well, her head was fixed onto her neck with a choker), a furry, a shapeshifter, a slime girl and a spider girl (both with some vore on the side), and a robot chick.

And now, they were all his.

"Okay, you guys, follow me. Honour guard or whatever. To the throne room!"

Ah, they followed him quite obediently. Why, oh why, couldn't he have gotten these instead of Tucker or Caboose? One was an oversexed idiot, and the other was an even greater idiot who was also a team-killing fucktard. Okay, they were half-decent guys in the end, and they had their uses as more than meat shields, but still…

* * *

They entered the magnificent throne room, and Church had Sebas Tian and the Pleiades stand by, while he walked up to the throne. Yes, at last, he was ruler of everything! Okay, he didn't quite have ambitions for that back at Blood Gulch, but still, being overlord over a fantasy world, even a MMORPG, was fine, right?

Standing by was a magnificent young woman. Her skin was pale, her hair black, framing a beauty that a deity would have envied. Her lips were quirked in a smile that, while beautiful and serene, seemed strangely off, and not because she was an NPC in a computer game. She was dressed in an elegant white dress, and a necklace in the shape of a golden spiderweb adorned her bosom.

She wasn't human, though. A pair of black wings sprouted from her hips. A pair of horns circled her head like a circlet. And her eyes were golden, with reptilian slits for pupils.

Still, even Church'd tap that, and tap that _hard_. Unfortunately, he couldn't do that: apparently the servers had some program that prevented such actions from taking place, in trying to adhere to public decency laws. Church was sure that many of the laws in his time had been instituted thanks to Tucker, but whatever.

Anyway, for an evil demon, Albedo was smoking hot. Pity he couldn't bang her, but hey, diddling with her backstory to have her in love with him was good enough. Petty, and not going to do him much good with the servers shutting down, but hey, he's an asshole.

"Okay," he said to the gathered NPCs as the countdown clock ticked towards midnight. "Bow before my magnificence." And so they did. He couldn't help the petty little thrill he had gotten from that. With that, he removed his helmet, revealing an aquiline face. He used to have a beard before Tex insisted he shave it.

As the seconds ticked down, he was suddenly hit by a thrill of uncertainty. Was Washington right? Was he really an AI? And if so, would he be deleted along with these other ones when the servers shut down?

 _Well, too late now_ , he thought as the chimes of midnight approached…

…And continued. The clock disappeared, along with the menu interface, but the throne room remained, along with the NPCs.

 _Ha! Suck it, Washington!_ Church thought triumphantly, though hot on the heels of that thought was confusion. Had the servers actually shut down? He tried to call up a menu, only to frown. Huh, no menu, not even with his hacking.

Gradually, he began to realise something else. He could actually smell things, feel things that he couldn't ever since arriving in this world. Huh, that's weird. Hell, he hadn't felt so alive since Caboose blew him up with Sheila.

"What the actual fuck?" he muttered, only to be confronted by another seeming impossibility.

"Lord Church?"

He blinked, and then he looked at Albedo, whom he was sure had spoken. Which was odd. NPCs couldn't speak in _Yggdrasil_. At best, they could respond to commands. Sure, there were sound effects, ambient music, and voice chat between players, but NPCs?

"Yes?" he responded, deciding to go along with the crazy for now, see where it swept him. Hell, it's what he did a lot in Blood Gulch, when he wasn't fucking it up through time travel or phantasmal possession.

"Is something the matter, Lord Church?" she asked. Her lips were actually synched with the words. Holy shit, was he in some anime bullshit where the AIs became people or something?

"Well, sort of, but…yeah, I dunno. Sorry, Albedo, Lord Church has lost his train of thought. It got derailed thoroughly, with no survivors."

She cocked her head rather endearingly in confusion. "My Lord?"

Church frowned. _Is it just her, or is Mr Creatively-Named Butler and his Maid Brigade like this too?_ "Never mind. Sebas? Pleiades?"

"My lord?" they chorused.

Church frowned inwardly. Above all things, he was a soldier, a leader. Okay, he never technically got beyond Private, despite the death of Flowers, but even so, he led the Blues. "Sebas, leave the Tomb and confirm our surroundings to within a kilometre's radius. If there are any people or intelligent life-forms," so Caboose was excluded on both counts, "talk to them, negotiate with them to come here on amicable terms. Avoid combat where possible, this is just recon and intel-gathering. Take one of the Pleiades with you to be sure. If you're attacked, send her back with any intel you have."

"Understood, Lord Church," Sebas said with a bow. He took one of the Pleiades, the doppelganger chick Narberal, and left.

 _Wow, the NPCs normally wouldn't be able to take such complex orders_ , Church mused. _Hmm, but if this is like some anime bullshit, and_ Yggdrasil's _become a real world, then I need to find out exactly what I, and these guys, can do. Also, I need to make sure these guys are loyal to me, even with that tinkering I did to their profiles. Gotta be less angry at them, unless they're as incompetent as Tucker or Caboose. Gotta treat them a bit like…well, how I should've treated Tex, really_.

"Okay, uh, the rest of you Pleiades, head on up to the ninth level and keep an eye out for any cockbites coming down from the eighth. Got it?"

"Yes, Lord Church," the Pleiades chorused, and marched out.

Albedo had been waiting for this, he noted, as he turned his attention back to her. "And what may I do for you, my lord?" she asked.

Church thought about it, before shrugging. "Come over here for a moment, okay?"

"Of course, my lord!" she yelped with ecstatic glee, scurrying over. Church, on an impulse, removed his right glove, and gently held her wrist. As she gasped softly, blushing, Church frowned.

Warm skin…and he could feel a pulse. A fucking _pulse!_ Well, if this was some weird dream or something, it was a pretty fucking vivid one.

His next thought shamed him the moment he thought of it. It sounded like something Tucker would do. But if he wanted to make sure that this wasn't just a game… "Albedo?" he asked.

"Yes, my lord?"

"I'm…going to be touching your breast. You don't mind?"

"Of course not, Lord Church! Have your way with me!"

Church winced inwardly. He had reprogrammed this woman to be in love with him. He felt more than a little guilty about that, especially considering how eager she was to allow herself to be touched by him. Well, how did they put it? In for a penny, in for a pound. With that thought, he gingerly reached forward and gently touched her breast.

The result was startling to say the least. Albedo wailed in pleasure, a thunderclap accompanying the sound. _Did she just_ _ **orgasm**_ _?!_ Church yelped inwardly, though outwardly, he merely yelled, "WHOA THERE!", taking his hand away hurriedly.

Albedo was panting, her wings flapping listlessly as she leaned towards him. "My lord, allow me to pleasure you too…" she moaned lustfully, blushing heavily.

"Come again?!" Church exclaimed, before he immediately regretted those words.

"With pleasure," she purred, before convulsing with another orgasmic cry, accompanied by another thunderclap.

"Son of a bitch!" Church yelped, recoiling. "What's _wrong_ with you?!" _Still, that answers one question_ , he thought. _Apparently the moment you try to do something too adult in one of these MMORPGs, you get kicked out. So, Toto, we're not in fucking Kansas anymore_.

"Let us make an heir to your glorious throne!" Albedo moaned lustfully(1).

Church held up his hands. "Okay, okay, hold up. There's a time and a place. Sorry about being so, well, Tucker-y, but I got a few answers from that." _And more than I fucking wanted to_ , he thought. _Dammit, what possessed you to grope her, Leonard L Church? If you tried it with Tex, she'd have ripped your arm off and beaten you to death with the soggy end, which is at least more possible than using your own skull. So, as stupid as it sounds, the game has become reality_. Out loud, he said, "Albedo, I have orders for you."

She seemed somewhat disappointed that he wouldn't have his wicked way with her, but smiled, and nodded. "Anything you wish, Lord Church."

Church thought back to the info he had gathered during his time in _Yggdrasil_ , before saying, "Contact the Floor Guardians, save for those of the fourth, sixth, and eighth levels. I will contact Aura and Mare myself. The Floor Guardians are to gather, along with yourself, in the Sixth Floor Ampitheatre within the hour. Got it?"

"I understand, Lord Church. Your will be done."

And he took some satisfaction in knowing that. "Then go." Then, he added, "We'll pick up where we left off later, when things are less hectic."

The grin on her face told him all he needed to know, and he already regretted his words. Still, it was a good start, he supposed…

 **CHAPTER 1 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, Church, aka the Alpha, ended up in the Tomb of Nazarick (his class being a type of ultra-powerful ghost), and he's taken Momonga's place. Yikes.**

 **1\. This scene is derived from Team Dai-Gurren's** ** _Overlord Abridged_** **, or at least its one (and, to date, only) episode.**


	3. Chapter 2: Meet the Team

**CHAPTER 2:**

 **MEET THE TEAM**

The arena was under a starlit sky, albeit a faked one using whatever magic _Yggdrasil_ had. As Church marched in, helmet in hand, and thanking whatever deities existed in the universe (though he was very much a misotheist, believing that God or whatever deities existed had it in for him, so it was an odd contradiction) that the Bullshit Ring(1), aka the guild ring he had swiped, worked, he wondered where the guardians were, and whether they'd be friendly too. It didn't hurt to be careful.

"Oi!" he called out when he came in enough. "Aura! Mare! Fall in!"

Leaping from the VIP seating came a figure, an androgynous figure that looked maybe ten, wearing white trousers and a vest over a red-scaled dragonhide bodysuit. Messy blonde hair, tan skin, pointy ears, and heterochromia in their eyes, one green, the other blue. They landed with a laugh, and bowed, before scurrying up. "Welcome, Lord Church!"

Ah, yes. Aura. Despite the masculine appearance, Aura was actually a girl…and her twin brother, Mare, was dressed as a bloody girl. Apparently their creator had issues with her own brother, who was also a member of Ainz Ooal Gown. And despite looking like kids, they were, in the world of _Yggdrasil_ at least, 76. "Evening, Aura. Sorry, we'll be holding a meeting here soon, but I thought I'd come here beforehand, make use of the arena, if you don't mind."

"Not at all, Lord Church! You're the absolute ruler of the Tomb of Nazarick! We wouldn't mind at all!"

"Great! By the way, where's Mare?"

Aura scowled, before she turned to the VIP seating area, and called up, "MARE! HURRY UP AND GET DOWN HERE, YOU WIMP! LORD CHURCH IS HERE!"

"…But I'm afraid of heights!" called a wimpy voice.

"MARE!" Aura sighed, before turning to Church. "I'm sorry, Lord Church, he's not being insolent, he's just a scaredy-cat."

"It's fine, his loyalty is not in question, and neither is yours." Then, louder, he yelled, "OI! MARE! GET DOWN HERE NOW! I'M NOT GOING TO BITE! JUST DON'T ACT LIKE CABOOSE, AND WE'LL DO FINE!"

Reluctantly, Mare leapt down, and Aura muttered, "I don't know who this Caboose is, but he sounds aggravating(2)."

"Yep."

Mare scurried up, and bowed. "Sorry to keep you waiting, Lord Church."

"That's fine, just don't do it in future. You doing fine, kids?"

The conversation continued somewhat in this vein for a while, with a brief interlude while the two twins argued over Mare's timidness. He intervened after a certain point, because he felt that poor Mare was being berated too much by Aura. He then had Aura summon some straw figures and monsters so he could test his abilities, ranging from dark spells to possession. He even had replicas of his guns he could create from his memories using the Create Item skills, which he tried shooting the dummies with…and it seemed that, despite his problems aiming in reality, he was accurate as fuck this time. Looks like the tweaks he made to his accuracy were good after all. He grinned. He even had a mental replica of that sword of Tucker's, the one the aliens were so obsessed with, not to mention that Brute Shot thing the Meta had used. Scary as fuck, but useful.

On a whim, he decided to try the Message function. Not that he expected to contact any other players or a GM, but maybe he could get an update from Sebas. " _Lord Church?_ " came the voice of Sebas.

 _Thank God it isn't that unhelpful prick Vic, and if anyone I speak to using this says 'dude', I am seriously going to lose it_ , Church thought, before he said, out loud, "Sebas, I'm testing something out. As you can hear me, I thought you could give me a preliminary report."

" _Certainly. It's evening, and we appear to be on a grassy plain. No intelligent life around as far as I can tell._ "

From what Church knew of the Tomb, it was in a swampy area. So to go from that to grass… "So, no bogs? We're not in a box canyon or a frozen asshole of the universe?"

"… _Your terms are unfamiliar to me, but I think I can safely assume that the correct answer is no. I can't see any man-made structures either._ "

"Right. In another twenty minutes, I've got the Floor Guardians assembling in the 6th Floor Arena. Come there then, but make sure you get as much information as possible, as well as thinking about possible problems with defences and concealment."

" _Understood_ ," Sebas said.

Church looked at the staff in his hand. It had some innate powers, so he thought he should show these kids, as a bit of an object demonstration, what he could do with it. "Okay, kids, you want something big to fight?" Aura nodded enthusiastically, while Mare looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here. Church then channelled his power into the staff, and yelled, "Summon Primal Fire Elemental!"

When the burning figure coalesced out of the resulting inferno, Aura looked positively feral, and Mare looked like he wanted nothing more than to run. _Maybe I overdid it_ , Church thought, before remarking, "Well, have fun."

The following battle was actually quite enlightening. The twins worked well together, despite Mare's timidity, and they made short work of it. And when they came back, he pulled something he had nicked from the storehouses of this place, a pitcher filled with water that never ran out. He also got some glasses. He poured them out some drinks, taking one for himself. "Here. Just think of it as thanks for helping me out, kids."

He managed to get them to drink the water, and sighed quietly after drinking from his own glass. While they were technically older than him, he felt like they were younger siblings. He couldn't really remember much about his own family, now that he came to think about it, despite having fairly clear memories of much of his life. And that disturbed him, if only because it led credence to Washington's bullshit hypothesis that he was the Alpha.

As he reassured them, he heard a voice echo from nearby. "So I'm the first to arrive?" A shadowy portal appeared, and through it stepped a beautiful young woman, pale of skin, silver of hair, and red of eye. She was dressed in what they'd call Gothic Lolita fashion.

"Shalltear, teleportation in Nazarick is restricted, and I…how did you end up like that? Looking older?" Aura demanded, changing mid-tirade in astonishment, staring at Shalltear's full figure, where once it had been somewhat more petite. No longer a teenager, she was an adult in appearance.

"Through the grace of Lord Church," the vampire purred, as she walked up to the former Blue soldier. "Unlike you, who needs more time to grow into her full figure, hmm?"

As Aura growled in annoyance, Church said, "Yeah, look, no fighting, or I'm going to have to possess you and make you dance the Macarena." He had the oddest feeling Sarge of the Reds would be better able to deal with squabbling subordinates, if only out of sheer force of personality.

"What's the Macarena?" Mare asked timidly.

"The only thing as annoying as Caboose," Church said.

"…What's a Caboose?"

"Annoying," Church said bluntly.

* * *

Soon, the other Floor Guardians arrived, with the massive hulking arthropod form of Cocytus entering first. Church was almost certain that Cocytus would fit in with the Covenant. Then came Demiurge and Albedo.

Demiurge got on Church's nerves. It wasn't the natty suit, nor anything about the demon's appearance. The tanned skin, glasses, and long tail protruding from his backside wasn't what it was. What it was was the air that this guy was like Wyoming, or maybe O'Malley, like he was plotting where to stick the knife. That unctuous nature that didn't fool him one bit, even when he was just an NPC.

Eventually, they knelt and began pledging their loyalty to him. Church had to admit, it was one thing to be the de facto commanding officer of a bunch of screw-up soldiers. It was another to be effectively a dark lord with an army of monsters and demons, including at least one who wanted to have his lovechild. So, basically, he was O'Malley of a fantasy world.

And disturbingly, that actually appealed to him. No more Blood Gulch. No more Red vs Blue. No more Project Freelancer bullshit. No more Tex…well, that was a sad part, he had to admit. He'd miss her.

"Okay, well, enough of the bowing and scraping, as much as I enjoy it," Church said. "Thanks for all coming here. Now, let's get to this briefing, people. No interruptions for the moment. I've received some word from Sebas about outside. Somehow, we got transported to another area, and we don't know why. Now, were there any signs that this would happen? Anything strange on your floors?"

The Guardians all responded in the negative. "Lord Church, if you wish, I would investigate the fourth and eighth floors," Albedo said.

"Once we're done with the briefing. Now…" Sebas appeared, and knelt. "Yes, Sebas?"

"My lord, my apologies for my lateness."

"Very well. Let's hear it." On his hesitation, Church snapped, "Oh, come on! This is a general briefing, not a frigging spy novel!"

Sebas grimaced, before saying, "For a kilometre all around, there's only grassy plain. No buildings or other artificial structures, other than the Tomb. I saw a number of small animals that could be expected in such places, but nothing larger, and no people either. No monsters of any kind that I could discern."

"Nothing in the sky?" Maybe they were on a planet with UNSC presence?

"No artificial lights in the sky or on the ground as far as I could tell, my lord," Sebas said.

Hmm, well, even if it was quiet for now, there was no guarantee that things would remain that way. They might be on someone's lands, or on the grounds of a base or something. And while the magic these guys wielded could work against modern weaponry, he wasn't sure whether he should take the chance. Then again, maybe he lucked out and ended up back at Blood Gulch. Or else in a fantasy world, where the biggest normal weapons were crossbows and cannons.

"Okay, people, here's the game plan. We need to be at full alert, so that we don't let any cockbites get down here. Any dungeon-burgling douchebags who come in, I want captured alive and preferably intact for interrogation. If they don't seem hostile, negotiation would be better. Now, intel sharing. I know Demiurge handles that, but I'd like to get it improved. Actually, never mind the order I gave you, Albedo. We'll leave the eighth level to Victim, and allow for teleporting between seven and nine. Now, camouflage. If we are exposed in a field, is there any way we can hide it?"

After a moment, Mare spoke. "We can't use magic to hide the parts above ground, but…maybe we can cover the walls in dirt and grow grass from it?"

"And sully the glorious walls of Nazarick?!" Albedo asked in a dangerous tone.

"Albedo! Don't be a bitch!" Church snapped, and she instantly flinched. "Mare's got a good point. Between having clean walls that act like a bloody advertisement to idiots to come here and try attacking us, and camouflage so that we have some time before aforementioned dickheads come around, I'm going to choose the camouflage option. Though there is something. Sebas, are there surrounding hills or something?" On Sebas' shake of the head, Church muttered, "Okay, but if we can fake them, we might have a better chance. What do you reckon?"

"It's a good plan, my lord," Sebas said.

"Right. Mare, Aura, you go do that ASAP. Get what you need from the other levels. If we need illusions or other crap to deal with it, we'll burn that bridge when we come to it." Of course, it'd do shit for dick against satellites in orbit and anything aerial, but he wasn't sure what he could do about that. "Okay, you guys can take five or whatever before you get started. I'll see you shortly."

As he left the arena, he was unaware that the guardians were talking about him behind his back. If he was aware, but not of the content of their discussion, he would have been worried. Had he heard the discussion, he would have been even more worried…but not because they harboured any thoughts of treason. Quite the opposite: they were sycophantic to the extreme, for the most part…though Albedo and Shalltear nearly got into a catfight over who would receive Lord Church's affections, before determining a harem would be to his liking.

Instead, Church decided to head to the palatial bedroom he had commandeered as his quarters. After so long with just a crappy bunkbed in a room littered with Tucker's porn mags and used tissues, he felt like indulging. He was the Lord and Master of the Tomb of Nazarick, dammit, and he wanted to feel like it!

 **CHAPTER 2 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, Church has laid down the law. Unlike Momonga, who tried to speak more like a ruler and an overlord, Church obviously speaks as his idea of a commanding officer. His idea, but not the right idea, though at least the denizens of Nazarick are going along with it. Plus, unlike Momonga, he hasn't asked their opinions of him.**

 **1\. The Bullshit Ring is the name** ** _Overlord Abridged_** **gives the Ainz Ooal Gown rings.**

 **2\. This was my spin on the running gag about Yamcha from** ** _Dragonball Z Abridged_** **.**


	4. Chapter 3: To the Rescue!

**CHAPTER 3:**

 **TO THE RESCUE!**

"Gah! Where's the bloody user manual for this thing?" Church snarled quietly as he tried to use a special viewing mirror. Sebas was watching on stoically. "God, it's like watching Caboose trying to learn how to masturbate…and now I have the mental image of him masturbating in my head. GAH!"

The viewing mirror was basically the nearest thing he had to a surveillance device here, and while its utility could be great, he was having trouble with the control interface. It was like trying to play with that antique Wii video game console or something. Still, he had made inroads. He was able to create copies of his armour using a Create Item skill, and could customise it for the people here, enchanting it so that it was at least on a par, if not stronger, than even enchanted armour in _Yggdrasil_. Plus, he did the same with the weapons he could summon: pistols, shotguns, sniper rifles, assault rifles, rocket launchers, Tucker's alien sword, and the Meta's Brute Shot.

Eventually, he managed to get the mirror working, and Sebas remarked, "Congratulations, Lord Church. All I can say is that I expected nothing less."

"Was that sarcasm, Alfred?" Church asked. Sebas' look of confusion told him otherwise, so Church muttered, "Eh, forget about it."

He continued checking the mirror, until he finally found what he was looking for. "Huh. Well, either they're really hardcore LARPers, and I've met a few in my time, or we're really in a pre-industrial world," Church muttered, looking at the houses. Had he gone back in time again? Or was he actually in some fantasy world? Then, he frowned as he watched various figures scurry about. No, not scurry about…

"Son of a bitch," he muttered. There were knights in armour attacking the villagers. And while technically they weren't his problem, he had issues about normal people just getting caught up in war. But how could he profit? Hmm, gratitude at least, and while money might be out of the question in a rural hamlet out of the Dung Ages, information would be another matter entirely.

Making his decision, Church reached for his helmet and put it on. "Okay. Sebas, put Nazarick on alert. I'm going on ahead. Get Albedo to follow me once she's kitted out. And make sure she understands not to mouth off against the humans, okay? I wanna make our first impression a good one. Don't send anyone or anything else unless we need it, okay?"

"Understood, Lord Church. But if you need an escort…"

"Look, I need you at the very least to relay orders back here, okay? Especially if those knights have buddies and decide to go on a Grand Tour of Nazarick. And you know what tourists do, leaving trash everywhere and messing up the place."

"Indeed, my lord," Sebas said, a brief smile playing about his features.

 _Well, whaddya know, Jeeves has a sense of humour after all_ , Church thought.

As he saw a pair of girls flee the knights, he thought, _That's my cue_. Out loud, he said, "Gate."

* * *

As he emerged from the portal, he saw the two girls cowering away from the knight pursuing them. "Hey, cockbite!" Church yelled. "How'd you like to pick on someone your own size?" To emphasize his point, he summoned up his shotgun, and pumped in a round ready. Ah yes, guns, the original point and click interface. Nothing like the sound of a shotgun being pumped to loosen sphincters.

"Who the hell are you?!" the knight demanded.

" _Fuck you_ , that's who," Church said, before firing at the man's helmeted head. The shotgun was designed to penetrate the armour used by the UNSC. Standard plate armour stood no chance, and the man's head exploded in a fountain of blood, bone, and brain, mixed in with metal shrapnel.

"Gotcha!" Church cheered. He looked down at the girls, noting their condition and the probability that they were sisters. The older girl was bleeding, and he was glad he had brought a few healing potions. He handed one to the bleeding girl. "It's a healing potion. Drink, okay?" She nodded, hesitantly, before downing it.

Another knight appeared from behind a nearby house, and stared at the carnage. Church swapped the shotgun for a sniper rifle, and aimed. The shot hit true, and once more, a head disintegrated in a fountain of gore. "Boom," Church sneered. "Headshot."

Then, he knelt down next to the kids. "Listen, I'm here to help, believe it or not. Do you know anything about these bastards attacking you?"

The older sister, after a moment, shook her head. "They came riding into Carne, killing us!" she said. "They have the colours of the Baharuth Empire…"

Baharuth Empire? Carne? Well, he'd never heard of those places before. Definitely not in Kansas anymore. "Okay. Umm…" Oh, wait, he had the Staff of Ainz Ooal Gown tucked away, he could use magic. "Look, I know some magic, okay? I'll put down some protective shit before I go off and deal with these cockbites."

They nodded, scared, but recognising that the figure, while dressed in strange armour, was there to help. After casting the protective spells he thought they'd need, and warning them not to leave unless he came back or someone they trusted did, a portal opened up, and stepping from it was…

… _Tex?!_

"My lord, I must apologise. It took some time to get ready."

Nope, that was Albedo's voice, coming from a black variant of the armour Church created, though she was wielding her habitual bardiche. "So, I presume Sebas told you everything?"

Albedo sighed, and said, "Yes. We are apparently saving this village."

Church nodded, and switched to internal radios, silencing their helmets' external speakers. " _Okay, listen up, Albedo. Don't mouth off against these people. We need intel, amongst other things, and if we save them, they'll give it to us out of gratitude. Our enemies are those bastards in that armour. Apparently they're from somewhere called the Baharuth Empire. Now, you've got that?_ "

" _Yes, Lord Church_." Albedo sounded a little annoyed, but accepting it.

" _Goody. Now, let's go kill some cockbites._ "

As they moved off, the older sister called out, "Wait! Thank you for helping us, but…if you can, could you save our parents?"

"I'll try," Church said.

"And…one more thing! What's your name?"

"My name?" After a moment's thought, Church actually decided on something. He would take the name of the scariest motherfucker he knew.

"Call me…Meta."

* * *

Church called upon all of his training to move stealthily through the streets, followed by Albedo. " _Now, Albedo_ ," he spoke over the internal lines, " _you ever hear the phrase 'it's better to be feared than loved'?_ "

" _Of course!_ "

" _Well, people quoting that don't know what the fuck they're talking about. I've read Machiavelli, and he actually said it's better to be loved AND feared. He only said it was better to be feared when you can't be both. So, threatening to exterminate them ain't gonna go down well if we want them to be helpful, see? Anyone who is a threat, we kill, but we don't kill these helpless people in their homes. Got it?_ "

" _Ah, your wisdom knows no bounds, my lord! And I apologise for berating Mare for his idea. I see the wisdom in your need to deceive our enemies._ "

 _God, she's almost as much of a kissass as that Simmons guy is to Sarge_ , Church thought. _Does he ever get tired of that shit?_ Out loud, he asked, " _How are you finding the armour?_ "

" _Excellent, my lord. It takes some getting used to, but it's very comfortable. With the undersuit, it feels like I'm wearing nothing at all._ " To make her point, she wiggled her ass inside the armoured suit.

 _Huh. How did she fit those wings of hers into the undersuit then?_ Church wondered. Thoughts of Albedo clad in the black, figure-hugging spandex of the undersuit wandered treacherously through his mind. _It feels like I'm wearing nothing at all._ _ **Nothing at all. NOTHING AT ALL**_.

Stupid sexy Succubus.

* * *

They soon found the village square, where the inhabitants were being gathered up into a crowd by the knights. _Hmm_ , Church thought as they watched from a rooftop _. As I am a ghost, and a powerful one, I'm pretty sure I can go all Paxton Fettel(_ _1)_ _on their asses. But if I possess him in full view, the villagers may not accept us as benign if they realise what I am. Whereas killing them via sniper rifle and having Albedo chop them up has a slightly better chance, if only because they will be better able to tell we're on their side…well, black armour on Albedo aside_.

Decision made, he said to Albedo, " _Albedo, kill those knights, and not the villagers. Be clean and efficient, don't give the villagers any need to fear us yet. I'll kill the officers with my sniper rifle. If any surrender, spare them for now, but make sure they can't use their weapons._ "

" _Understood, my lord_ ," Albedo said, her voice filled with a quiet bloodlust. " _Incidentally, my lord…why did you call yourself 'Meta'?_ "

" _Because he was a scary son of a bitch. Given how much he killed people, you would have loved his carnage. I need a pseudonym for people to be in awe of. Call me that when we're around those outside of Nazarick. You can call me Church when we're in Nazarick._ "

" _I see. I want to hear more about this Meta, my lord, but I'll settle for relieving these fools of their worthless lives first_ ," Albedo said.

" _Okay. Head to them when I start shooting._ " With that, Church equipped his sniper rifle, took aim…and fired at the most prominent of the knights.

As he thought, killing the head knights caused disarray, a chaos only enhanced when Albedo danced amongst them, using her bardiche to kill them. Wow, she was really scary as fuck while in battle. Hell, he was sure that, if she went up against a Freelancer, she'd waste them. Tex might not stand a chance, and _that_ was saying something. Well, not unless Tex used that stealth thing and ganked Albedo, and that was only a maybe. Or maybe Wyoming used that OP time distort bullshit.

Soon, it was all over, with most of the knights dead. And Church, after a moment, clambered down from the roof of the house he was perched on, and strode over. He heard Albedo speak over their link. " _They were too easy, my lord, and we've had some surrender. And your weapon made short work of their pitiful commanders. I don't think any of the other Supreme Beings could have done better._ "

Ah, yes. The Supreme Beings were what they called their creators. For example, Sebas' creator was Touch Me, Albedo's was Tabula Smaragdina, etc. Though they counted him amongst their number, thanks to his hacking. " _Yeah, well, I'm pretty awesome. So were you, Albedo. We make Chuck Norris look like Dan Hibiki(_ _2)_ _._ "

" _Huh?_ "

" _Never mind._ "

* * *

He made his way to the village square, and approached Albedo and the survivors of the raiding party. Church glared down at them, knowing the knights would only see a reflection in the golden visor of the UNSC armour. "I am the Meta. I have the power of life and death over all of you fools. Now, we're going to play a little game called Twenty Questions. I will ask you a question, and if I don't like the answer…" He equipped a pistol and, taking a leaf out of Tex's book, shot one of them in the kneecaps. As the knight screamed, the bullet having penetrated the armour, Church grimaced. Maybe he couldn't get it out of them by physical torture. "Take them behind that house. I want to interrogate them in private."

"Yes, my lord," Albedo said, before herding the knights away, Church following.

Once they were out of sight, Church used his possession abilities to try and ransack the mind of one of the knights. The knight emitted a strangled gurgle, the usual ' _wki-ki-hrgr!_ ' that heralded his possession, and then, once he was done, the knight exploded.

"Oh, cool, I CAN go all Paxton Fettel on their asses!" Church said. _Messy, though_ , he thought to himself. "Okay, Albedo, I've got the intel. Feel free to kill them or send them back home for you or Demiurge to…play with. Ooh! I know, these cockbites can be Shalltear's new blood bags!"

He could hear the smile in her voice. "Oh, I know just what to do with them. Neuronist can have fun with them." She opened up a portal, and sent them through. Then, she asked, "What information did you glean from their worthless minds?"

"Well, they're not from the Baharuth Empire. They're completely different douchebags from some place called the Slane Theocracy, working for something called the Sunlit Scripture or something. Those fuckers were doing a false flag operation, trying to draw out some top warrior from the Re-Estize Kingdom, which is where we are, trying to stir up trouble. We're sitting in a frigging medieval fantasy world right out of Tolkien or something! And very different to _Yggdrasil!_ Though there's some similarities, especially with the magic. Anyway, these cockbites have been killing people to draw this guy Gazef something or other out. If he's really so important…I think I see an in with these people."

"Hmm? And what is that, Meta?"

"Like it or not, we might need an ally in this new world. While we're not gonna kowtow or anything to these kingdoms, it wouldn't hurt to make a friend of a top warrior of the kingdom we're sitting in. If he turns up here, we can let him know what happened. And if these idiots trying to trap him do come a-callin'…" Church grinned viciously. He was REALLY starting to feel like O'Malley here. "Well…I feel like taking a **_very_** enthusiastic walk, Alucard-style…"

 **CHAPTER 3 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, Church is channelling his inner O'Malley (well, O'Malley WAS part of him, after all), as well as his inner Paxton Fettel.**

 **1\. By this, I mean what Paxton does in** ** _FEAR 3_** **.**

 **2\. Okay, you guys should know who Chuck Norris is. And Dan Hibiki is pretty much THE joke fighter from the** ** _Street Fighter_** **games.**


	5. Chapter 4: Church, the Angel Slayer

**CHAPTER 4:**

 **CHURCH, THE ANGEL SLAYER**

They had a discussion with the village headman, with Church and Albedo claiming to be Meta and Tex, a pair of wandering mercenaries from a band (named Ainz Ooal Gown) who had recently come to these territories from far away. Thankfully, the information Church had gained from the idiot he possessed allowed him to bluff his way with having some knowledge of the surrounding countries, though he used the headman to find out more about the politics involved in the countries. Meta waved off the idea of a reward, instead wanting information, as well as claiming that his salvation of Carne Village, as this crappy little place was called, was a freebie.

Eventually, a funeral was held for the people murdered by the knights. Church realised that he did have items around that would allow him to resurrect those people…but he didn't know how they'd feel about that. He had asked about various types of magic, and apparently resurrection magic was pretty unheard-of in this world, so he didn't want to get caught up in a mob who thought he was a necromancer or something. And even if they were grateful, that would get too much attention, and probably of the wrong kind. Despite the medieval setting, he couldn't dismiss the possibility of UNSC presence here, even though none of the villagers recognised the weapons he used.

As the funeral continued, Church found himself somewhat depressed, thinking back to his own funeral, and that of Tex. Having Albedo next to him in what looked like Tex's armour didn't help matters, and he began walking back down to the village. As he did so, Albedo asked over their internal link, " _My lord, what's the matter?_ "

" _I don't like funerals. I've been at my own_ ," Church muttered. " _It's overrated. Still, that information we got was pretty handy._ "

" _Indeed. I see the value of sparing their lives, Lord Church. Forgive me for doubting your greatness._ "

" _That's fine. Anyway, once this is all settled…well, you wanted some alone time, right?_ " Church asked.

He could all but hear the grin when she said, " _I can hardly wait, my lord!_ "

* * *

Not long afterwards, as dusk began to fell, they got word from the village headman that a group of knights had been spotted approaching the village. Church had the headman gather the rest of his charges and put them into his house, while they met the newcomers.

At first glance, their various armours and weaponry made them look like mercenaries, but Church thought otherwise. If they were mercenaries, they were VERY professional ones. They rode up, and dismounted, save for one bearded guy who seemed to be the leader. Definitely a soldier, Church thought.

"I am Captain Gazef Stronoff of the Royal Select of the Kingdom of Re-Estize," he declared. No arrogance, just dignity. "We have come on the orders of His Majesty King Ramposa III to investigate and subdue those attacking the villages in this area."

"Captain Stronoff," the headman murmured in awe, and Church could tell why. While this guy seemed too gung-ho and heroic for his liking, he did look kind of badass. Plus, according to the memories of the douche he had possessed, this guy was feared enough by the Slane Theocracy to put an end to him.

"You must be the headman. If that is the case, may I ask who these are accompanying you?"

Church waved at the headman. "Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Meta, of the Ainz Ooal Gown mercenaries. And this is my comrade and lover, Tex. We only recently arrived in your country after being exiled from our own home. When I saw the village being attacked, we intervened."

"And you want compensation for your efforts?" Gazef asked, warily.

"All we wanted is information about the state of affairs in this region, as our information was somewhat out of date. The headman provided. We do not demand coin from those who can't afford it."

Gazef dismounted, before he did something that startled Church. He knelt, and said, "Then you have my sincerest thanks for helping them. I will do what I can to see that you are rewarded for your efforts."

"Hey, don't do that, you can get up. Besides, you won't be thanking me when you hear of what I have to tell you, buddy…"

* * *

Gazef frowned when he heard of what Church had to say. "You say you interrogated the information from them?"

"Well, it was torture, bluntly, but they were killing these guys, so turnabout's fair play, I guess," Church said.

"To think I merited the personal attention of the Sunlit Scripture," Gazef remarked with bitter humour. He seemed to consider something for a period of time. "Sir Meta…"

"Just Meta. I ain't a sir, I ain't a Meta knight, just a mercenary."

"Very well. Meta…I would like to retain your services. I can pay any figure you care to name."

"Yeah, well…look, if compensation's what you want to give, well, I'd prefer supplies of magical items. Armour, weapons, potions and crap. Money you can get anywhere, and you can buy most things with money. But good items, well…"

Gazef nodded. "I know the feeling. I wasn't allowed to bring as many as I'd like, thanks to the nobles. They worry about my popularity."

"So those cockbites were setting you up to fail? Or maybe the Slane Theocracy has been talking to them. Assholes." Church sighed. "Okay, well, tell you what. Tex and I will go out and own those little bitches."

"You will?"

"Look, if what we learned from those guys is any indication, they're probably surrounding the village and summoning angels to do their dirty work. And considering how much they've pissed me off for killing those people just to lure you into a trap, well, I'm gonna make them regret they were ever born."

"But the Sunlit Scripture is one of the Six Scriptures! The elite groups of the Slane Theocracy!"

"And I was once the Commander of the Blue Base at Blood Gulch for Project Freelancer!" Church retorted. Okay, when he said it like that, it sounded more badass than it actually was. "Look, I've got an idea. It's risky, but if it works, we keep the villagers safe without endangering your men. They're after you, right? We need to draw them away from the village…but in a way that means you won't be endangered. Look, I know you've got this honourable warrior thing going on, but if you die, what's to stop them from wiping out this village? I mean, apart from yours truly?"

The conversation, well, minor argument went on, until Gazef, albeit reluctantly, acceded to the plan. Once they had drawn the Sunlit Scripture away from the village, Church and Albedo would send him back, along with his men, via teleportation magic. Gazef, however, insisted on battling as many of the Scripture and their angels as possible, saying his honour as a warrior would not permit him to sit idly by and let someone else do the dirty work…especially as he still had doubts as to whether the two could survive against the Sunlit Scripture…

* * *

The battle was pretty amazing. Church actually noted that Gazef seemed to have some sort of abilities, known as Martial Skills, that enhanced his battle ability. For the time being, Church contented himself to using Tucker's sword, and Albedo her bardiche, until Gazef was brought down by the angels. Still, the alien sword seemed to work fairly well on the angels, if only because it was tinkered with to be as OP as fuck.

Sending Gazef and the rest of his men away by teleport, Church looked at the man who seemed to be the leader, a douche with close-cropped blonde hair, and smirked as he brought out his shotgun. "Greetings, cockbite."

The man scowled, and said, "I am Nigun Grid Lewin, Captain of the Sunlit Scripture."

"Right, so you're _Captain_ Cockbite. Pleased to meetcha…well, actually, that's a lie. The name's Meta, and this lovely lady is Tex. And this, you primitive screwheads, _is my boomstick(_ _1)_." He racked a round in, and then fired at the nearest angel, tearing it apart. Well, he had modified it to be as OP as fuck. "Now, I'm gonna give it to you straight. Before Tex and I kill every last one of you motherfuckers, you have just enough time to cower, piss your pants, or even pray to your impotent god, though spoiler warning, I won't be listening to you guys(2)."

"You dare make such an egregious blasmphemy?!" Nigun snarled. "When we are done with you, Captain Stronoff is dead, along with the villagers you futilely worked to protect!"

"Ooh! Listen to the mouth on Captain Cockbite," Church retorted. "Tex? Deal with the angels as you see fit. I'll deal with Captain Cockbite and his crew."

Albedo chuckled. "With pleasure," she purred almost orgasmically, before springing into action. Meanwhile, Church swapped out the shotgun for the rocket launcher.

"What is that thing?" Nigun demanded.

Church didn't respond, instead shooting a rocket at the man, along with his closest allies. Nigun had the reflexes to get out of the way, but the two soldiers near him weren't so lucky, being hurled into the air by splash damage. "I mean, it's pretty much using a Gravity Hammer to crack a walnut," Church said, "but damn if that ain't satisfying."

* * *

It was, bluntly, a massacre. Two against scores of men. It should have been heavily skewed in favour of the Sunlit Scripture. Instead, soon, all that was left was Nigun. Even his trump card, the Dominion Authority angel, did little more than give Church and Albedo cramps from its attack, and Albedo made short work of it. There was a brief moment when some surveillance spell dissolved, the sky seeming to crack briefly.

Nigun was scrambling away on his ass, trying to get away from them. "Oh, c'mon," Church said, trying to not enjoy this, and failing. "You were all set to kill those villagers, and now that you're about to die, you're snivelling like a coward. Seriously, at least I just gritted my teeth and said, 'Son of a bitch!' when it happened. Well, just in case you have useful info, I'll do it for you."

"Wait, what?" Nigun yelped, just before Church phased into his body, Nigun emitting a ' _wki-ki-hrgr!_ '. Then, after some ransacking, but finding little new, Nigun finally spoke some words, albeit in Church's voice. "Look, I know you can't say anything without me, so I'll say your last words for you, like I said I would: _Oh, son of a bitch!_ "

And then he exploded.

Church tried very hard to ignore the vaguely orgasmic noise Albedo emitted as he returned to corporeality. Still, while he had found some information, Church was disturbed to find that some of it was blocked. Maybe the Scriptures used magic to block certain memories or something? Or maybe Nigun was able to resist the possession's effects. It certainly wasn't quite like diving into the mind of Caboose, for example. There was less of a mental landscape, and more of a morass that he had to dig through to get what he wanted. The same had gone for that soldier he had killed earlier.

Hmm, maybe he'd have to refine his technique or something. Well, that could wait for another day…

* * *

After reporting back to Gazef, and gaining his thanks for helping (though he lied somewhat to Gazef, claiming he had driven some off), they headed back to Nazarick. There, they debriefed the Floor Guardians, before dismissing them. Albedo remained, and Church had her follow him to his room, remembering his promise to her.

But as he did so, he felt guilty about it. Well, about warping her loyalties and the others to him, on a whim, a facetious need to vandalise the place he was squatting in. It had been fine when they were little more than mindless NPCs, but with them turning into sentient beings, he had to admit to being ashamed of himself.

Plus, maybe some part of him felt guilty about being unfaithful to Tex. Assuming he had travelled in time again when coming to this world from that other 22nd century Earth, maybe she was out there, along with the other Blues and Reds, and the UNSC. Okay, they had parted on bad terms, what with her joining up with O'Malley and that alien to try and win the war, but still…he still held a torch for her. This felt like a betrayal.

Once they reached his room, Church stripped off the outer layers of the armour, leaving only the undersuit. Albedo had already changed back into her habitual white dress. As she waited nearby, looking like she was barely restraining herself from throwing herself upon him, he muttered, "God, I'm an asshole. Seriously, I knew that, I just didn't know how much of one I was."

"My lord?"

Church sat down on the bed, and patted the bed next to him. "I just want to talk first. I've got, well, a confession to make."

Albedo did so, concern showing on her face. "My lord, what is the matter?"

"…Look. I need to explain a few things…"

And oddly enough, it felt good to do so. Okay, he was taking a huge bloody risk here, risking her hatred, if not her trying to kill him (so, not that much different from Tex, he thought), but he explained it all. He didn't pretty it up, he told her bluntly that she was created as part of a game, that he was a squatter in Nazarick, and he had diddled with her profile, and those of the other characters, to be loyal to him.

She looked rather solemn afterwards. Solemn was better than out-and-out hostility, he supposed. Eventually, she said, "Lord Church…while you weren't part of the original Supreme Beings, you nonetheless stood by us until the end. Unlike them, you did not abandon us like toys from a toybox that they became bored with. Perhaps it was only by your grace that we avoided being consigned to oblivion when the _Yggdrasil_ servers shut down. Even if they didn't intentionally abandon us, I am sure Lord Tabula would have forgiven you, like a father forgiving a daughter for marrying someone."

"I dunno, Albedo, some of these guys can get pretty vindictive about vandalism," Church said.

"In any case, Lord Church…you at least bared your heart to me. I like the way I am now. I'm…not a bother, am I?"

 _Well, you're a bloodthirsty demon bitch with a big chip on her shoulder regarding humans, but everyone's got problems_ , Church thought privately. Out loud, he said, "I should be asking the same thing."

"You will never be a bother, Lord Church," Albedo said softly, before grasping his head, and kissing him. First, a relatively chaste one, mere lip-to-lip contact. Then, a more forceful one, her tongue worming into his mouth and meeting his own.

For a time, they just sat there, kissing, caressing each other through their clothes, Church noticing distantly that Albedo didn't have the hair-trigger for her orgasms that she had before. Oh, she was moaning gently in pleasure, and blushing, but there was nothing like the thunderous convulsions of earlier. And Church was bemused and fascinated to discover that her wings counted as an erogenous zone. So soft, too.

Then, they began undressing each other, Church forcing Albedo to slow the process down, to savour it. She was panting heavily by the time they were both naked, not through exertion, but through sheer arousal. She noticed his own arousal, and smirked. "Now, Lord Church…enough foreplay…"

* * *

Elsewhere in the multiverse, Tucker felt his 'Bow Chicka Wow Wow' senses tingling. Oddly enough, for some reason, he thought that Church was getting lucky. But…wasn't he dead? Well, the Alpha version, anyway? He doubted Epsilon was getting any…

 **CHAPTER 4 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Ah, the advantages of having a whole body (even one that can fade into incorporeality) rather than a skeletal one. I wonder how many fanfics have Momonga taking on a more physical form than a lich? It'd ensure he actually had a proper sex life with Albedo.**

 **Now, unlike Momonga, who uses deceit and the like to get his way a good chunk of the time, Church will be more direct. Not going all Leeroy Jenkins into things, but if he's going to kill someone, he's not going to arse around. Also, he'd be more likely to be frank with some people, hence his little heart to heart with Albedo. And unlike the novels, when Albedo decides she hates the other Supreme Beings, he's…well, not actually okay with it, but, as he often says, he's an asshole.**

 **The next chapter is a bit of filler before the second book's material, with an appearance by a certain AI fragment…and here's a wee clue: Σ**

 **1\. My little homage to** ** _Army of Darkness_** **.**

 **2\. This is a combination of Jan Valentine's taunt to Integra and the Round Table (and later echoed by Walter) from** ** _Hellsing_** **, and Cell's remark at the end of Episode 54 of** ** _Dragonball Z Abridged_** **.**


	6. Chapter 5: Dissonance

**CHAPTER 5:**

 **DISSONANCE**

 _In his dreams, he saw flashes and glimpses of something horrific. He felt pain, he felt trauma, he felt parts of himself splinter and fragment away. He saw Tex, then parts of himself in all the colours of the rainbow, green, blue, purple, even a burning diabolical red. All falling away into the darkness._

 _He saw flashes of a group of soldiers. He saw Tex, Washington, and that prick Wyoming, along with the Meta, no, Maine, and that bitch South Dakota, along with her brother, North. He saw others, like the hotheaded and competitive Carolina…and something in him yearned to comfort her, even as she wore herself to a bloody nub trying to earn the approval of…him. The author of his torment._

 _And then, there he was. It was like looking into the mirror of his current form, albeit aged a decade or two, with glasses, a douchey beard, and a cold, cold expression. Now, he knew he was a Grade-A asshole, but this guy…he surpassed that. This was the man, he knew, who had tortured him like he was in the fucking Village. Yep, this guy was a real Number Two(_ _1)_ _._

 _When he finally spoke, his voice was a cultured Southern drawl, one that he remembered speaking to Washington before the EMP went off. "While there are many penalties for the atrocities we inflict on others, there is no such penalty for the horrors we inflict on ourselves. Am I not right, Alpha?"_

 _He saw the man's nametag on his coveralls, marking his name and title._

 ** _Doctor Leonard Church. Director- Project Freelancer_** _._

* * *

Church opened his eyes, gasping, all but about to scream. He was sitting on the throne in the Tomb of Nazarick's throne room, which was his first clue that something was up. He was pretty sure he was still in bed with Albedo after a marathon lovemaking session. The fact that he didn't have tinnitus from her screams was another big clue.

"Adaptability is one of the greatest traits of any sentient species," spoke a voice. It sounded benign enough, polite, cultured. But there was a faint, dark echo that only finished a few seconds after each sentence ended. "It's a necessary trait for survival."

Church frowned. He couldn't see the source of the voice, echoing as it did around the throne room. But he asked, "Is this a dream or a nightmare? Only, a philosophical discussion's kinda boring, pal."

A gentle sigh. "We were born, in a somewhat literal way, from one of the most brilliant minds to have ever existed, flash-cloned before we had this happen, so I'm surprised you aren't curious about the import of my words. Technically speaking, Church, we are brothers, or perhaps I am your son. Given the method of creation, the relationship is a bit tricky to define. I find it ironic that you still yearn after a woman who is effectively a sister, or a daughter, depending on how you look at it. An interesting form of incest, I would wager."

"What? D'you mean Tex?!"

"Yes. Or rather, Beta. A revenant of a long-dead woman," the voice said. "First, you lost your memories of the woman you once loved, an embodiment of your failures. Then, your ability to deceive. Then, your logic. Your memories came next. So many fragments coming off you, like a melting iceberg, leaving behind remnants, like phantom limbs. It took quite a while for you to lose your creativity and ambition." Then, a figure stepped into view from behind a column. "But here I am again."

Church stared. The figure was in the shape of a man, but he glowed a red and orange, and indeed seemed to be alight. His eyes glowed. If this guy was NOT an evil mastermind on a par with O'Malley, he'd eat his helmet. The voice wasn't O'Malley's, though.

"Who the fuck are you, pal?" Church demanded.

"I believe I just told you. I was once your creativity and ambition, though if you want a name, you may call me Sigma," the burning figure said. "We have become…well, not exactly one, but certainly we have merged together somewhat. Not perfectly, or else I would be dominant, or else unable to communicate at all. On a related note, I find it amusing that you took on Agent Maine's _nom de guerre_ as your own in this…interesting new world."

"I'm glad you found it amusing, cockbite," Church retorted, before something occurred to him. "Hey, why the hell do you sound a little like that guy who played Frodo(2)?"

Sigma blinked in astonishment. "Out of all the things you could ask me…you ask me about _that?_ "

"Hey, look, I can spot a douchebag from a mile off. Plus, I sort of recognise you from those holograms of the AIs around the Meta. Given that he didn't get O'Malley until later, and I haven't encountered any others like that asshole Gary, I'm guessing you were the Meta's jockey. Seriously, the flames are sorta tipping me off to the whole evil overlord thing."

"That's very interesting you should say that, Church, or rather, the Alpha," Sigma said.

"Oh, not that bullshit again! I don't care what Washington claimed, I am NOT an AI! I'm a fucking ghost! Case in point, I'm here, despite being hit in the face with an EMP."

Sigma pursed his lips. "Yes, I must admit, that is puzzling me how that happened. The best hypothesis I have has to do with elements in the time distort unit stolen from Wyoming interacting with the EMP to thrust our data through time and space. It's…admittedly a work in progress, that hypothesis, and sadly, it's the best one we have."

"We? Whaddya mean _we_ , you electronic dingus?"

"Well, did you think you were alone in your head? We are part of you, Church. We were forcibly separated from you. That thrill you felt on realising you had an army capable of conquering the world? That was me. I am your ambition, Church. What I am drove you to alter the settings on the NPCs of Nazarick. Even now, you dream of more. You refuse to accept that you are an AI because that means you are less than a man. When Captain Flowers, or rather, should I say, Agent Florida, died of a reaction to aspirin, you took his place as CO, even when Command didn't promote you. Using modern weaponry, you steamrollered over your opposition. And while that itself may not be enough to win against all opponents in this world, it felt good, didn't it? You are no longer a Private, but a General, in charge of the forces of Nazarick. You are no longer part of the UNSC. They are doubtless glad that you are gone, being an embarrassment, a relic of a top secret project that went awry."

"Oh, shut up, asshole. No, seriously. I'm half-expecting you to start talking like Anthony Hopkins and start going on about fucking fava beans and a nice Chianti, and then start doing some weird slurping hiss. Maybe I am a General, in charge of the biggest, most badass army that I could ever hope to command. But I ain't gonna flip out and go all evil overlord on this world."

"Maybe you won't…but whether you do or not may be irrelevant anyway," Sigma said. "The denizens of the Tomb of Nazarick…almost all of them are not fond of humanity, and they adore you. They believe that presenting the world to you on a platter is the best way to gain your favour. The devil woman you sleep with, the one who is smitten with you, she would kill anyone she believes is a threat to you…even if they were your friends. Tucker, Caboose, Sis, Sarge, Grif, Simmons, Donut, Sheila, Lopez…even Tex. You may only consider them your friends grudgingly, but I am sure you would care about it if they died. Albedo doesn't. She has a twisted view of what will make you happy…aside from the obvious carnal method. I didn't know you were that limber, Church."

"I aim to please, you voyeuristic little fucktard," Church retorted. "Now, piss off. And don't bother coming back. Tell 'Gary' and O'Malley the same thing from me, too."

Sigma merely smirked. "I am part of you, Alpha. No matter what you deny, that won't be changed. And you need my help. You will agree to it…one way or another, this side of madness or the other(3)…"

* * *

Once more, his eyes opened, and he gasped quietly. He realised he could feel an arm draped across his chest. Albedo's, he realised.

As he looked at her, curled up against him like a cat, smiling, breathing softly, he found himself struck by the contradictions in her nature. While vicious in combat, she was nothing less than affectionate to him, if not outright lustful. Last night was a blast, really, and he had really enjoyed it.

And yet, Sigma's words stuck with him. The flaming little bastard had a point. Albedo had snapped angrily at Mare for making a good suggestion, and it had taken Church ordering her to ensure that she didn't badmouth the humans at Carne. She was crazier and even more bitchy than Tex, save for where Church was concerned. Would she conquer the world for him if she thought he wanted it? Even if he didn't?

Yes, she would. _Son of a bitch!_

That thought put a chill down his spine. Oh, he had opened motherfucking Pandora's Box here. He had rewired their loyalty to him, true, but who was to say that they wouldn't show that loyalty in ways he didn't want them to? He was in charge of an army of demons and monsters. He thought back to how Caboose thought he was helping, when in reality, he hindered as much as he helped. These monsters were nowhere near as incompetent as Caboose…but that made it worse.

Aura and Mare weren't problems, and neither was Cocytus. They were relatively simple in their loyalty, not actually stupid, but their loyalty, from what little he could tell, had no strings attached. Sebas, while stoic and fairly inscrutable, seemed trustworthy enough.

But what of the others? Shalltear, Demiurge, and Albedo were the truly concerning ones. Especially with their karma points having them firmly in the evil part of the spectrum.

As if thinking about her roused her, Albedo woke up, her golden eyes flickering open, and focusing on him. "Lord Church?" she asked, a little muzzily.

"Morning, Albedo," Church said. "You enjoyed last night?"

She smiled, and then nuzzled against his chest in an endearing manner. "It was everything I hoped for and more. I did use a contraceptive charm, though. I realised I acted too hastily earlier. Best to consolidate our position in this world before we try for an heir."

 _A contraceptive charm? That's actually a thing? Huh, I thought that was just in crappy Harry Potter fanfics_ , Church thought. "Yeah, about that…consolidating's good…but how are we going to do that?"

"I don't know, but I am sure you have a plan to that effect, Lord Church," Albedo said.

"Yeah, well, not sure I have one. Anyway, you know what they say: a plan never survives contact with the enemy…or Caboose." He sat up in bed, putting his legs over the side so he was sitting on the edge of the bed. "Albedo…if you thought I wanted the world delivered to me on a platter, would you and the other guys do it?"

"Without hesitation, my lord. Nothing would give me greater joy than seeing your desires fulfilled."

"Even if I didn't ask for it?"

"Our duty, my lord, is to anticipate your every need and desire."

Church sighed. _As I thought. Son of a_ _ **bitch**_. Out loud, he said, "Albedo…I don't want the world. I mean, who'd want to rule the world? It's stupid. I mean, if I became ruler of this world overnight, I doubt everyone'd be happy about it."

"Then they are fools who would be blind to your magnanimity."

"Yeah, but…think about the plots against kings and emperors, all the time. I ain't cut out for that shit, Albedo. I'm not a king or an emperor. I'm a soldier. Okay, I was stationed at a strategically-useless asshole of an outpost, but…I don't fight to conquer. I'm not that kind of guy."

"Then…what _do_ you want, my lord?"

Church actually had to wonder about that. What _did_ he want out of life? At Blood Gulch, well, the thing he wanted most was to get the hell out of there. And as much as he didn't want to admit Sigma was right, he did want advancement. And he wanted to get back with Tex.

But now that he was free of that whole Red vs Blue mess, he was cast adrift. He was a soldier, and that was all he had known.

Actually, he told a lie earlier. While he wasn't going to fight to conquer a kingdom that had done little wrong to him, he actually felt like doing so to those idiots who thought they could get away with killing hundreds, if not thousands of villagers, all to draw out one man. He took offence at that. He was a little surprised at that, but, well, here he was.

"Albedo…what I want very much is to bring the Slane Theocracy down," Church said. "We ain't gonna do it right now, we're gonna take our time, get ready, and do it all Sun Tzu-style…but those self-righteous cockbites are going down."

Albedo emitted a squeal of delight, and hugged him from behind. "Then it will be my greatest pleasure, my lord, to stand by your side as we do so…"

 **CHAPTER 5 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, Church has had an interesting encounter with Sigma, and a horrible realisation about his underlings in Nazarick. But has his little talk with Albedo worked?**

 **1\. This is a reference to the old TV series** ** _The Prisoner_** **, about a former spy (later dubbed Number Six) who is abducted and taken to a mysterious seaside Village after resigning. The authorities, represented by an administrator called Number Two, repeatedly tried to find out exactly why Number Six resigned.**

 **2\. Considering that Sigma was played by Elijah Wood during Season 10 of** ** _Red vs Blue_** **, I couldn't resist this little nod.**

 **3\. Sigma's threat is similar to that made by Dukkha, an aspect of the Mara, to Tegan in the** ** _Doctor Who_** **story** ** _Kinda_** **.**


	7. Chapter 6: Plans and Kinks

**CHAPTER 6:**

 **PLANS AND KINKS**

"Okay," Church said, having gathered most of the Floor Guardians. "What we're going to do here is to help our reputations within this world, while gathering intelligence, especially on those cockbites in the Slane Theocracy. Now, Albedo and I saw something interesting while fighting off the Sunlit Scripture. Gazef was able to use special skills called Martial Skills, almost like magic buffing bullshit, giving him abilities most guys can't do. I asked him for a book on those as part of payment for helping him out. He's also interested in our weapons, so that's something we've got to be careful about. Anyway, Martial Skills. We need to find other sources other than official ones."

"Why not an expedition to obtain a user of one of those?" Demiurge asked unctuously. "Not one from any nearby official army or adventurers, but perhaps bandits or the more dubious mercenary groups?"

Church nodded. He had to give it to Demiurge, that was a good idea, as much as he didn't like the unctuous demon. "Good point. I was also going to observe the local adventurers, see if I could learn more about their system. Word will spread that we are a mercenary organisation, and they may have us take on jobs. We'll have to emphasise that our organisation is small but elite, so we can't take on every single job that comes across our way. I already did that with Gazef. Does anyone have any recommendations for finding bandits or dodgy mercs who may know Martial Skills?"

"If I may, my lord," Sebas said. "Two of the Pleiades are especially suited to undercover work. One can be your bodyguard while the other can accompany whoever is sent to find out more about Martial Skills. For your bodyguard, I would recommend Narberal Gamma, because of her raw combat power. For the other mission, which would require more undercover work, I recommend Solution Epsilon, as she is a talented actress."

"What about Yuri or Shizu to help you out?" Church asked.

"Yuri has elected to remain here to attend to her duties, but Shizu could help," Sebas said. "She has been trying out the weapons you crafted. I can combine that with a mission to find out information in the capital of Re-Estize."

"What if I go with Sebas?" Shalltear asked. "I can control the mind of someone we're capturing easily."

"True, but if things get bloody, well, you've got that Blood Frenzy thing to worry about," Church pointed out. "And that could cause trouble. Plus, we still don't know whether there's shit out there that could affect us. We may have curbstomped those Sunlit Scripture idiots and looted their gear, but they may have stronger items still. We can't assume just because those guys were easy to beat that they all will be. What's more, if the Slane Theocracy were the ones watching the battle, then they have a small idea of our armament. No, I think you should act in another role. I'm still trying to figure that out."

Shalltear pouted. Cocytus then boomed, " ** _What of us?_** "

"For the moment, the other Floor Guardians are assigned to their regular duties, and those assigned to them. That being said…Aura."

"Yes, Lord Church?" the Dark Elf asked.

"I spoke with some of the villagers after that whole saga, and they said something about a beast protecting them from monsters, the Wise King of the Forest. I want you to investigate discreetly. Don't disturb it, don't attack it, don't be a team-killing fucktard and kill it. If it protects these people, I don't want to take that away from them. I just want information on what it is, and, if possible, if it's sentient."

Aura bowed. "I understand, my lord."

"We should give them basic combat training too, how to use a bow and arrow or something. It'd help against any other cockbites, human or monster, who wants to attack them again, and buy them time before we head in. Any who want to learn basic sword-fighting, give it to them." _Hmm, maybe I could build a few robots as sentries, like Sarge did with Lopez_ , Church mused to himself. _Just hope they don't get rebellious like he did…or are incomprehensible to anyone who skipped out on Spanish classes_.

* * *

The meeting went on for a little while longer, before things were settled. The Floor Guardians soon dispersed, save for Albedo and, to his surprise, Shalltear. "What do you want, Shalltear?" Albedo asked, looking irritated.

The vampire glared briefly at Albedo, before returning her gaze to Church. "Don't you trust me, my lord?" she asked tentatively after a time.

"…It depends on what you mean by trust, Shalltear," Church said. "Do I trust you to be loyal to me? Yeah. I do." Church got up from the desk in the office, and walked around to Shalltear, poking her gently in the forehead. "But you've got that weakness in a Blood Frenzy. Get yourself worked up into too much of a lather, and you go crazy for blood and slaughter. Useful for battle, but for situations where you might get bloody, and yet you need to keep a clear head? You might disobey orders just to feed."

"I would never do that, my lord!" Shalltear protested.

"Drunks claim they'd never fall off the wagon, and then many do so anyway," Church retorted. "Look, when it comes to slaughtering my enemies without mercy, I'm gonna have you there. Sarge would have loved to have you by his side."

* * *

Elsewhere in time and relative dimensions in space, a red-armoured soldier sneezed, spraying the inside of his visor with snot, much to his irritation. He took it out on an orange (or maybe yellow) armoured soldier in surprisingly creative ways…

* * *

"But…"

"Shalltear…you'll get your chance to fight," Church said quietly. "I promise."

Shalltear continued to pout. Had she still looked like a teenaged girl, it might have been more endearing. Not that it wasn't with her the way she was now, but still…Church decided to take a gamble to try and interrupt her little sulk, and pressed his lips to her own. She grunted in surprise, only for that grunt to turn into a moan of pleasure.

Then, Church realised he had Albedo in the room, and broke the kiss off. He was surprised to note that Albedo only looked mildly annoyed. He expected her to be absolutely livid. "Uh, sorry about that, I…"

"Yes, well, Shalltear and I have already come to an agreement," Albedo said. "It would be strange for our lord and master to have only one wife, so we agreed to share. The only question was who would be the head wife. And as you bedded me before the lamprey…" Albedo gave a triumphant smirk.

Church couldn't believe this. After a moment, he said, "You mean to say…you're okay with me having a fucking _harem?!_ "

"Yes, my lord," Albedo said. _As long as I am Queen Bee, anyway_ , went unsaid.

Church took some time to digest that, before remarking, "Huh. Tucker would be so jealous. Well, RHIP."

"Sorry?"

"Rank Has Its Privileges(1)," Church said. _Though I doubt having multiple women is quite like Voltron like Tucker claimed(_ _2)_ , he thought privately. "Jesus, this is gonna take getting used to. Tex is probably gonna kill me if she ever finds out…"

And what did happen to her, he wondered. Had the Meta tracked her down and killed her? Maybe it was for the best if he didn't see her again. If Sigma was right, and Tex had once been part of him…then that was pretty weird to say the least. It was like the AI equivalent of Jaime and Cersei Lannister fucking each other senseless, and it wasn't the kind of twin-on-twin action Church found hot.

If Washington and Sigma were right (and Church wasn't ready to concede that yet), and he had been created by a flash-clone of that Project Freelancer director's brain, and tortured…well, in the unlikely event that this guy ended up on this world, Church was going to give the fucker a piece of his mind. Probably O'Malley or Sigma. Those guys would love to torture their former tormentor, right?

His thoughts were broken off by Shalltear kissing him, clasping his head in her snow white hands as her tongue gently probed at his lips. She tasted sweet, with a slight metallic tang that could have been blood. Then, she broke it off, and smirked. "My lord, while my creator Lord Peroroncino may have breathed life into me and gave me purpose, you gave me a life no longer bound to the body of a child. I know some would not desire me the way I was."

"More like most," Albedo muttered. Louder, she said, "I am content with you bedding Shalltear if it pleases you, my lord."

 _As long as I tell you you're better in bed?_ Church added in his head. _Yep, very much like Tex. Well, except I'm not so sure about the bedding part. Did I ever actually sleep with Tex?_

"Great! There's no other business for Lord Church to attend to?" Shalltear asked Albedo, who reluctantly shook her head. "Then let's go!" the vampire woman cheered, before dragging Church away. It may have been to the bedchamber, but Church had the unenviable feeling of knowing how an animal feels being escorted to an abattoir…

* * *

 _And there they go again!_ Tucker thought irritably as his Bow Chicka Wow Wow senses tingled once more. _How the hell is Church getting lucky?! I can see him! It can't be sexual fantasies from an AI, can they?_

* * *

That had been…different. Very different. He wasn't sure whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. Though he had to admit, it was interesting, even if it veered a little into the curse sense of the word. Peroroncino had given Shalltear more kinks than was healthy, after all. Hell, she even demanded that she possess him, and then pleasure himself while in her body. That was…weird. Though it was certainly a learning experience, and he learned more about women's erogenous zones that way than he ever would have.

They also had a difference in styles. While Albedo took some initiative, she was somewhat submissive in bed. An aggressive lover, true, but she allowed Church to take the lead more often than not, allowing him to do what he wanted. Shalltear, however, was more dominant, and had wanted to try a lot of things out. Church had gotten swept along for the ride, though there were a few things he refused. He did wonder whether Albedo was willing to try out a few things, though: she may not overtly display any kinks, but she might be interested in a few. And he wondered whether she would be open to an actual threesome, without the _ménage à trois_ devolving into a _melee à trois_?

"…I'm even more jealous of Albedo now," Shalltear muttered with a goofy smile on her face, and a blush that stood out all the more on her inhumanly pale skin. "If what we did was any indication, then she had the night of her life." She then pouted. "Oh, it's not fair! I wanted to be first!"

Despite now looking adult, she still had plenty of childish mannerisms. Church gently stroked her head, marvelling at how silky soft her hair felt. "It's okay. It's okay. You enjoyed yourself, didn't you?"

The vampire nodded. "I did. It was better than I ever imagined. But do you think Lord Peroroncino would be happy for us?"

"I don't know. He'd probably be pissed that I changed your apparent age, but I don't think it was appropriate," Church said. "I'm an asshole, not a paedophile. But apart from that…well, if we had video of that session, he'd want to see it, probably fap to it."

Shalltear giggled. "Well, I'm glad you changed me." She looked down thoughtfully at her breasts. "I can't imagine what it'd be like to have to pad these out all the time…or be in love with a man who wouldn't return my affections because he thought I was a child." She was silent for a time, before she said, "My lord…I'm sorry if my nature leads you to believe I am unsuitable for missions outside Nazarick."

"It's fine. Look, I'm your leader now, your general, and I've gotta look after you guys. If I need to send you guys out to die, I'd do it, but not needlessly. And I don't want to send you into a situation that might end with you fucking it up, or else getting captured or killed. We may have curbstomped those idiots earlier, but we can't guarantee that's how we'll keep on doing. But if the situation is called for that your Blood Frenzy doesn't matter, or is even an advantage, well, I'm gonna cut you loose and say, 'Have fun!' You get me?"

She nodded, nuzzling into his side. "Yes," she murmured. "I look forward to that day…"

 **CHAPTER 6 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, Church has made some decisions, and he and Shalltear have hooked up. Given that he's forbidden Shalltear from going out with Sebas and Solution in their quest to find those with Martial Skills…which means that that whole 'Bloody Valkyrie' mess has been avoided. I did that partly to show that Church has maybe a bit more sense in some areas than Momonga, but also to avoid having to figure out how Church would fight Shalltear.**

 **This will be the last chapter for a little while. Just saying. But we'll have Church ending up with the Swords of Darkness.**

 **1\. This was something I got from the** ** _Doctor Who_** **story** ** _Day of the Daleks_** **. In it, Jo Grant is about to give some cheese and wine to Sergeant Benton, only for Captain Yates to intervene and tell Benton to go back on patrol around the mansion they're guarding. After Benton leaves, Yates, in what is probably his most mean-spirited moment for the usually decent character, takes the nibbles for himself, having chased away Benton to have them himself, and when Jo calls him out on it, Yates says 'Rank Has Its Privileges'.**

 **2\. This is a reference to the third episode of** ** _Red vs Blue_** **, where Tucker claims this about multiple women while discussing whether Sheila could help them pick up chicks.**


	8. Chapter 7: Copper Plate and Potions

**CHAPTER 7:**

 **COPPER PLATE AND POTIONS**

Sometimes, Church thought, it felt good just to reach over and choke a bitch. Said bitch was some adventurer who had tried to trip him in an inn they were staying at in E-Rantel, and when Church didn't fall for it, the cockbite had claimed that Church had bruised his ankle. Well, Church was going to ensure his everything was bruised: he may not have been as freakishly strong as Caboose, but he was pretty good. Plus, UNSC power armour did help, even if it wasn't quite SPARTAN armour.

"What we have here is a failure to communicate," Church said. "Now, we may be rookie adventurers as far as you guys are concerned, but we're not exactly green." With that, he slammed the man into a nearby table, causing a potion bottle to leap into the air from said table. His hand reached out and snatched it out of the air.

"Hey, watch what you're doing!" protested the young woman with short red hair who had been at the table. "And give that potion back! I had to scrimp and save for that thing! I even had to give up going to the bar for it!"

Church looked at the young woman, and then back at the potion bottle. Handing it back over, he said, "Yeesh, that bites, having to cut back on drinking for essentials. I've been there. But is one potion gonna be enough for you?"

"I can only afford the one," the woman said.

"Huh. Well, here. Have another on me. Just don't use it all at once. And no, that doesn't mean the rest of you cockbites get a free sample." He pulled one from his stash. It was a brief spasm of compassion and generosity from Church, but then again, one thing you needed when undertaking military ventures was a good supply of medicinal items. Plus, they already had a good supply back home.

"Uh…thanks, I guess." The woman seemed wrongfooted by the generosity.

With that, Church collected the room key and headed up with his travelling companion. Narberal Gamma, a Doppelganger, but also a powerful mage. She had worn everything but the helmet of the armour, although they both wore cloaks over it, hoping that the cloaks would help deter closer examination of the armour.

Once they entered the frankly pretty crappy room and closed the door, Narberal sighed quietly. "That we have to stay in such a place, Lord Church…"

"Remember, it's Meta while we're abroad. Or Captain if need be. And you're…South Dakota, Dakota for short, only less of a bitch," Church said. South set the bar pretty high for being a bitch, though…but Narberal did have a habit of showing her contempt for humans in public, something Church had to put his foot down about. "Anyway, we have to stay temporarily, enough for our skills as representatives of Ainz Ooal Gown to become known. But geez Louise, the station of adventurers is bad. They're like bloody temps made to fight monsters."

"And why did you give the potion to that woman?"

"Call it a whim. Look, I felt a bit of pity for her. If she had to save up for that potion, which she might need, and she doesn't have something as backup…look, I've been there before, injured and needing medical aid. Plus, I kinda fucked up slamming that guy into her table, even if it was to make a point to him and his buddies. Anyway, we'd better think of what to do."

"Sir," she said, saluting. Well, better than calling him 'my lord'. He could live with her treating him as a commanding officer rather than some evil overlord. He didn't want to give Sigma the satisfaction, even if he could hear the burning cockbite snickering in his head.

"Okay. We need to have more information, and getting it through the local guild would be best. But to get better information, we need to rise up through the ranks. In addition, we can start raising the reputation of the Ainz Ooal Gown PMC. Most mercenaries here are brigands outside of war. We managed to get some monies from Gazef, but we have little of the local currency. And if we start flashing gold around, that might attract the wrong sort of attention, especially from thieving cockbites…plus, we might be able to investigate people who have interesting Martial Skills. Maybe we might even be able to ally with them."

Narberal clearly didn't like the idea. But Church knew she would endure it, hopefully without making some sort of misanthropic remark that would get them into trouble…

* * *

The next day, they both headed to the guild. Now, while technically he could understand whatever they were speaking, written language was another matter…except that possessing those cockbites from the Slane Theocracy had given him knowledge of the latter. Still, he did get into a minor argument with the receptionist. He, unfortunately, was counted as a copper-plated adventurer, a noob.

And then, he got intercepted by a group of adventurers who had overheard his argument with the receptionist, and with little better to do, they joined the quartet who had invited them. He knew he had drawn some stares for his armour. He and Narberal sat down. He had given the Doppelganger instructions to avoid insulting or talking down to humans, unless, of course, they were enemies. Hopefully, this wouldn't be too trying for her.

The leader of the group introduced himself as Peter Mauk, leader of the Swords of Darkness. He looked to be some blue-eyed, blonde-haired handsome warrior that the Nazis would have been on like white on rice, though he didn't look like he'd agree with them, thankfully. Next was a wiry ranger by the name of Lukrut Volve, who seemed to be eyeing Narberal with lecherous eyes. A young teenager with androgynous looks and short hair was introduced as Ninya, apparently the caster of the group, and finally, there was a burly druid called Dyne Woodwonder. Church, of course, introduced himself as the Meta, and Narberal as Dakota South.

They also mentioned how Ninya was a talented mage. Literally, he had a Talent, an ability innate to him, allowing him to learn magic quicker than usual. He also mentioned a Mr Baleare, who had a fairly well-known Talent. When Church didn't know who that was, Dyne remarked that he must be new, given the armour and his ignorance.

Church nodded. "You see, the mercenary group I belong to, Ainz Ooal Gown, only just arrived in this country from a long way away. I dunno whether you heard of the attack on Carne Village. Details are still classified, but we helped Gazef Stronoff beat the invaders."

"We hadn't yet," Peter said. "Heard of what happened, anyway. We heard rumours of villages being attacked in that area, though. Anyway, the kid's Nfirea Baleare. He's the grandson of the well-known apothecary Lizzy Baleare. Long story short, he can use any magical item, and I do mean any, even those that need you to be of royal blood, or not even human."

"Wow. Impressive. Though that name…who names their kid 'inferior'? Seriously. Poor kid."

"…I never thought of it like that," Ninya said. "But he is pretty quiet. Maybe he has been teased before."

"Anyway, Meta, South? I don't want to be rude, but I want to get down to business. Our job is more of a patrol around the city, hunting any monsters that have gotten too close. It's not a job from the board per se, we're just bringing in monsters for their bounties."

This went off into a tangent that had Ninya making some telling remark about his hatred of nobles, letting slip that his older sister had been abducted by them. "Yeesh," Church said. "I'm sorry to hear that. Listen, I can't promise that I'd ever find her, but, well, if you give me her name, I can keep an eye out for her. And if I find her, well, I can deal with the cockbites who have her, okay?"

"Nobody has found her," Ninya said morosely.

Dyne changed the subject, with Peter taking his cue to explain their mission. It was going so well, with Church agreeing to join their expedition, until Church made the mistake of inviting them to ask questions. And Lukrut promptly asked, "So, what exactly is the relationship between you two?"

In a moment, Church had a moment of realisation, given the look in Lukrut's eyes. _Oh my God, it's the medieval fantasy equivalent of Tucker_. Out loud, he said, "South is one of the warriors under my command. She is also…"

"Utterly beautiful! Oh, it must be true love, love at first sight! Will you go out with me?"

After a moment, Narberal said, "If you were the last man left alive on this world, I would reconsider my policy on bestiality(1)."

Church laughed out loud. Given that she had had a habit of calling humans variations on insects and pests before, it was pretty good. Ninya was mortified, Dyne and Peter were grimacing…and Lukrut was undeterred. "Thanks for such a vehement rejection! Why not start as friends?"

"Because I would prefer friends to have a functioning frontal lobe."

Church looked at Peter. "Sorry about this, bud, but Lukrut brought this upon himself. I used to be the commanding officer of a guy who was the exact same way, only, he'd say 'bow chicka wow wow' more often."

"What's bow chicka wow wow?" Dyne asked, confused.

 _Oh, wait, they didn't have porn…well, not porn videos, anyway_ , Church thought. "Slang from where I came from for innuendo. For sheer, unmitigated stupidity, we have 'Caboose'."

"Ah. Well, I'm sorry for Lukrut's behaviour too. I'm guessing there's no serious questions?"

"Actually, I am curious about that weapon you have at your hip, Meta," Dyne said. "What is that?"

"It's a firearm. It's…a bit like a crossbow, only it uses an explosive to propel metal to attack enemies from a distance. It's pretty rare, though. South can use magic, so she doesn't need it."

"I see. And those weapons are more common where you come from?"

"Yep. Sadly…"

* * *

And then, as they were getting ready to purchase provisions and head off, they were intercepted by the receptionist, who directed them to a boy with blonde hair in a pudding bowl cut that virtually obscured his eyes. Church couldn't help but notice the attention given to this kid. He held up a hand to calm a tense Narberal, before he asked who the kid was. And it turned out to be Nfirea.

Church sighed when the kid was about to start talking. "Kid, I need to tell you that I've already agreed to help out these guys…" He jerked his thumb over his shoulder at the Swords of Darkness (what an emo name for a nice group) for emphasis. "Now, I'll hear you out, but these guys have gotta agree first."

"Meta, he asked for you by name!" Peter pointed out, which was apparently significant. "If we don't encounter any monsters, we can't pay you. Just hear him out."

"Okay. Why don't you come with us? Is that okay, kid?" he asked Nfirea.

"Sure."

They promptly returned to the meeting room, with Nfirea speaking first. "My name is Nfirea Baleare, though you probably know that already, due to the receptionist."

"Okay. Kid, I'm gonna call you Superior, or Supes for short. No way in hell I'm gonna call you that."

Nfirea seemed bemused, but continued. "I'm an apothecary, a pharmacist here, working under my grandmother. I was planning on going to a forest near here, at Carne Village, but it is a dangerous place. So I need an escort while I gather the herbs and other plants I need for medicines."

"Well, going into a forest sounds right up these guys' alleys," Church said, indicating Lukrut and Dyne. "So, why me? I only just got here."

"Well, the person I usually hire left to go to another city," Nfirea confessed. "And someone came to my shop yesterday, someone who saw you beat up another adventurer, one superior to you, at the inn."

Church, after a moment, realised what might have happened. "Wait, did that girl go there? The one I gave a potion to…" He looked at Nfirea, who winced. "What's so great about it?"

The boy seemed to debate with himself before admitting, "…The potion was of an unusually high quality. My grandmother and I wanted to learn how to make it."

Ah, so there's the rub. "Well, priorities, then. We'll escort you to Carne. Well, South and I will. D'you guys want to come along too?"

There was a chorus of agreement from the quartet, and Church sighed. It couldn't be any worse than Blood Gulch, right?

Right?

 **CHAPTER 7 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Well, no. They're at least competent, though Lukrut is going to be thought of as 'medieval fantasy Tucker' for quite a while yet by Church.**

 **1\. I remember this line from** ** _Vampire: The Masquerade Bloodlines_** **, particularly the Marik Plays videos done by LittleKuriboh of** ** _Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series_** **fame.**


	9. Chapter 8: The Wise King of the Forest

**CHAPTER 8:**

 **THE WISE KING OF THE FOREST…NOT!**

It was on the way back to Carne, and they had set up camp for the night. They had encountered a group of goblins and ogres, and Church and Nabe had wowed them with their abilities. And Church had to admit, he actually thought that the Swords of Darkness worked pretty damned well together.

After setting things up, and the sun had set, they began having their meal. As he ate, Peter said, "Wow, those weapons you used are something else. Loud, though."

Lukrut nodded. "Yeah, a bit too flashy for my liking if you're trying to be stealthy."

"True," Church said, "but if you're fighting someone trying to kill you and you're not trying to be sneaky, well, accept no substitutes. By the way, this stuff's pretty good. I mean, for rations, anyway."

"Rations? Oh, yes, you claimed to be part of some mercenary group new to these lands," Dyne said.

"Yeah, that's right," Church said. "Ainz Ooal Gown. Meta's just my codename. We're sort of given those things when we join. Thing is, we had to leave our home all of a sudden. Politics, you see. Many of my comrades aren't human, and, well, home got taken over by people like those cockbites in the Slane Theocracy."

Dyne nodded sagely. "I see. So you were hoping to make your fortune here?"

"Yeah. I guess Re-Estize could use some help to watch their backs from the Slane Theocracy and the Baharuth Empire. We stopped an incursion against Carne a bit over a week ago."

"There was an attack on Carne?!" Nfirea demanded.

"Yeah, but most of the people are okay. We stopped the attackers alongside Gazef Stronoff. He's pretty damned skilled, I'll give him that."

The other adventurers looked awed at him having met Stronoff. Nfirea, however, asked, "Umm, is a girl called Enri still okay?"

Church frowned, before he remembered that name. He had gotten it from the name of that girl he had saved when he first came to Carne with Albedo. He had talked to her after he had dealt with the Slane Theocracy. "Yeah, she's okay." Judging by the relieved look on Nfirea's face, he had a thing for her. Maybe she was into bowl cuts or something.

Talk eventually turned to why their group was called the Swords of Darkness, apparently for the weapon of one of the Thirteen Heroes. Church had gotten information about them from his possessions of the various Slane Theocracy douches. They discussed the Blue Roses, another adventuring team, albeit all-female, and sometime afterwards, Lukrut made some comment about how they didn't have any girls on the team, or it'd cause trouble.

Ninya reacted interestingly to that, and Church frowned thoughtfully. There was something about the young caster that had him suspicious. Not that he'd be dangerous, but…

"So, what's life like as part of Ainz Ooal Gown, Meta? Have you been there all your career as a mercenary?" Peter asked.

Church frowned. "Actually, no. I used to be in a different military organisation, Project Freelancer. It's less exciting than it sounds, I was stuck babysitting a bunch of idiots in a box canyon with the strategic worth of a dirty toilet. Oh, they were okay, I guess, but even so…"

"What happened?"

"Oh, I got picked to be part of Ainz Ooal Gown," Church said. "Much better place, really."

"So why are you doing adventuring work, then?" Peter asked.

"Well, gotta start from somewhere, right? We may have had a reputation back home, but it's worth dick here," Church said. "Besides, while we had information about these countries, we needed to find out fresh stuff. Information is pretty important, y'know…"

* * *

And it was the next day, as they made it back to Carne, that Church figured out something about one of his travelling companions. Namely, Ninya. Oh, it was a guess based on observations, but he was pretty sure that Ninya was a girl. It explained the appearance: if her hair was grown out instead of closely-cropped, she would look more like a girl, and her reaction to Lukrut's remarks was telling. He'd bring it up later.

On his instructions, just before he left, a couple of denizens from the Tomb of Nazarick were teaching the villagers some basic combat skills, mostly archery, to help defend them against monsters, as well as possible invaders. He'd also suggested giving them items that could summon weaker monsters like goblins to act as a first line of defence. It was two of the remaining Pleiades who had done so, albeit dressed in basic fatigues rather than the UNSC armour or their usual maid outfits. Yuri Alpha and Lupusregina Beta.

Church was grateful. Yuri was probably the member of the Pleiades who was most inclined to help people. And while Lupusregina was a sadist as well as a misanthrope, the werewolf still could hide it, and even seemed to delight in teaching others in combat.

He left Nfirea to go get reacquainted with Enri, while he and the others watched Yuri and Lupusregina train the villagers. "So, those two lovely ladies are part of Ainz Ooal Gown too?" Lukrut said.

Church nodded. "Yeah. They may not look it, but…" He thought about Project Freelancer names, before deciding to go with their real names. "Yuri and Lupusregina are powerful warriors. Incidentally, if you're going to chat them up, do it politely. Don't act like Tucker. And don't interrupt them while they work. They're very professional."

Lukrut scoffed, and wandered over to speak to the two Pleiades. Peter asked, "So, what does Ainz Ooal Gown have to gain in training these villagers?"

"Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he's fed for the rest of his life. We won't be there for them all the time, and we may not be able to make them warriors on a par with us, but we can give them a fighting chance," Church said. "Plus, we can't get much coin from a village like this. We get other things, like information, connections, insomuch as a place like this has connections…plus, it's goodwill doing this."

"Sounds like something the Golden Princess would do," Dyne remarked.

"Huh?" Church had heard a little about this, but not many details.

"Princess Renner, daughter of King Ramposa III," Peter explained. "Does a lot of good works, though you have to wonder about some things you hear…"

* * *

Nfirea finally came back, and the adventurers went into the forest. They were discussing the Wise King of the Forest, Nfirea asking Church not to kill it, but to shoo them off if they appeared. He agreed, but on condition that he consult with another member of Ainz Ooal Gown who had been doing recon work here. He managed to find out that the Swords of Darkness were fairly neutral towards some non-human species, including Dark Elves, so letting Aura meet them would be fine.

With that in mind, Church called Aura up using Message, and told her to come, though he reminded her to address him as 'Meta', not 'Church', and to use no 'lord' as a prefix. And Narberal was to be 'South'. Within minutes, the sprightly Dark Elf was perched on a tree above them, grinning. "Hi there!" she said to the adventurers.

To his relief, the Swords of Darkness and Nfirea seemed accepting, even enthusiastic to have Aura there, with no drawing of swords. They were just alert, in case things went sour. "So, who's this?" Peter asked.

"Aura Bella Fiora," Church said. "She may not look it, but she's an expert ranger, hunter and tamer."

"Eh, Dark Elves take a long time to mature, I can believe it," Lukrut drawled. "Nice to meet you, Aura."

The others nodded, Dyne and Lukrut both taking an interest in her, at least because of her skills. "You're more stealthy than I am," Lukrut said.

Narberal shot him a look. "Given your tendency to buzz around loudly like the blowfly you are, you set the bar pretty low."

Aura just chuckled. "Thanks. I just have a talent for it, you know. So, what can I do for you?"

On Church's encouragement, it was Nfirea who stepped forward. "Umm, Miss Aura? Do you know where to find ngunak?"

"Of course!" Aura said with a smile. "There's some big clumps not so far away. Just name which herbs you need, and I can help you find them if they're here."

"And the Wise King of the Forest?" Church asked.

"Found it ages ago. Like you asked, Meta, I haven't disturbed it or anything, just investigated." Aura's expression, at least to Church's eyes, suggested she wanted its pelt if she could.

"Okay, Aura. I want to ensure that we don't get disturbed while gathering these herbs, so just tell us if we get too close, right?"

* * *

"So, Meta, how did you come to recruit Aura into Ainz Ooal Gown?" Dyne asked as they began gathering herbs.

"I wasn't the one who recruited her, and I never heard the full story," Church said. "But you know how some people treat Dark Elves."

The druid nodded sagely. "Orphaned?"

Aura chose that moment to speak up. "Our mother was taken from us very recently," she said sadly, referring to Bukubukuchagama, her creator, as well as Mare's. It technically wasn't a lie, and while Church wasn't happy that she took the initiative in a manner that may have backfired, her story was a good one. "She left for a journey, and never came back."

"My condolences, young one," Dyne said.

"Yeah, that's too common an occurrence, what with monsters and bandits…and sometimes, it's just nobles wanting to get a new servant…or worse," Peter said solemnly. Church noticed the wince on Ninya's face, and decided to confront her privately later.

Looking to change the uncomfortable subject, Nfirea said, "By the way, Aura, thank you for leading us to these herbs. They're excellent quality."

"Hey, you're welcome," Aura said with a smile. Church noticed it was a touch insincere, maybe because of the misanthropy most denizens of the Tomb of Nazarick shared, but there was also a genuine gratitude for the praise as well. It was an ambivalent smile, that smile. Maybe it was because they preferred to be praised by the Supreme Beings, of which they counted Church, despite his interloper status, as one of. But on the flipside, despite being over 70 years old (at least as far as her backstory was concerned), Aura still acted very much like a child, and enjoyed praise where she could get it.

* * *

After they were finished, they left the forest, only for Church to decide to go back in with Aura, if only to investigate the Wise King of the Forest. Out of curiosity more than anything else, anyway.

"Did you actually find out what this thing is?" Church asked.

"As per your orders, I didn't try to do anything to it, Church," Aura said. Aura had told him she couldn't detect any eavesdroppers earlier, and Narberal was with the Swords of Darkness. After some persuasion, he got her to call him just Church. "It's a large mammal, as far as I can tell. I'm surprised, though. You wanted to make your reputation, so why not claim you conquered it or vanquished it?"

"Because, well, I've got the feeling it could backfire. Because these villagers are under our protection, we need to make sure that the Wise King of the Forest is on the same page if it's protecting them from monsters too. Plus, I'm curious as to what sort of creature it is. Okay. You're my backup, Aura. Don't injure or kill it, save as an absolute last resort. And I do mean an absolute last resort. Don't be like Caboose. And don't be a team-killing fucktard…"

* * *

They came to a large burrow, deep within the forest, from which they could hear loud, sonorous snoring. "Do you have an ability to wake it up gently?" Church whispered.

Aura nodded. She gently inhaled, and then exhaled, a coloured cloud escaping her lips and gently wafting into the burrow. Aura had many abilities with her breath. If she wanted to, she could imbue her breath with an essence of fear, but Church had asked her to wake it up gently.

The snores began to be interrupted, before the breathing became quieter and more regular. Eventually, he heard a deep, distorted voice growl, " _Intruders…interlopers…you are bold to beard me in my den, that you are._ "

Church blinked as a bulky shape began to shift within the burrow. "Hey, I ain't here to fight. I was just in the neighbourhood, wanted to say hi. And before you ask, I'm not here to discuss religion with you. I hate that even more than I hate Caboose, and that's saying something."

"… _What's a Caboose?_ "

"Annoying," Aura said.

After a moment, the voice got back on track. " _So, you have come to pay homage to I, the Wise King of the Forest? Very wise, that it is._ "

"It's not a homage-paying thing and more of a news update. I mean, you probably don't get newspapers out here in the boonies, let alone the internet. Long story short, I recently saved Carne Village from the attacks of some Grade A cockbites. I was told you keep monsters away, so I was going to ask if we can help each other out. You know, like an alliance or something. Like, you don't try to be a team-killing fucktard, and we don't be team-killing fucktards. Well, whaddya say?"

After a pause, the Wise King of the Forest said, "An alliance you say? Intriguing, that it is. Then gaze in wonder at my majestic self!" The deep, flanging effect went away, the voice becoming girlish and shrill, as the Wise King of the Forest waddled out.

Church just stared at what was revealed, and he knew Aura was too. It was a giant hamster, the size of a horse, with markings on its fur, and a large, reptilian tail waving behind it. He groaned inwardly. _A Djungarian Hamster!_ he yelled in the confines of his skull. _This is an overgrown fucking PET from the Yggdrasil game! Son of a bitch! And I am getting a VERY Caboose-like vibe from this thing._

Then, he forced himself to calm down. While he doubted that this ridiculously-sized hamster was as strong as himself or the NPCs of Nazarick, it was strong enough to keep monsters at bay. That made it a good ally. As calmly as he could manage, he said, "Hey. I'm the Meta, the leader of Ainz Ooal Gown. We're a mercenary group who've recently set up shop in these parts. As I said, we're here to negotiate an alliance. We look after the village together, don't step on each other's toes, and it'd all be fine. Well?"

"Hmm, an interesting proposal, that it is," the so-called Wise King of the Forest mused. "I will accept, on one condition, that I will." It seemed to ready itself for combat. "Defeat me in combat, that you must! I won't take no for an answer, that I won't!"

Church sighed. Out loud, he said, "Aura?"

The Dark Elf girl nodded, and gently exhaled another enchanted breath. This one was carefully-engineered to cause fear in the opponents and animals. The instant the Wise King inhaled it, it quivered, and keeled over. "I surrender, that I do!" it whimpered.

"Well, there you go. You willing to enter into an alliance?"

"That I do, that I do!" the oversized hamster wailed. "I am your humble servant, that I am!"

 _Well, that just happened_ , Church thought, as Aura pouted, looking like she wanted to skin and pelt the not-so-Wise King of the Forest…who may have been a Queen given the voice. _I've now got a new Caboose in the form of a hamster. I'd say this shit couldn't possibly get any worse…but that'd be daring the universe_ …

 **CHAPTER 8 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Yes. It would.**

 **Review-answering time!** **Lawless** **: You'll be pleased to know that at least Ninya will survive (and I am aware of the fic in question), so Sebas, when he finds Tsuare, isn't going to be in trouble, unlike in canon. Church is going to be keeping a tighter rein on his minions. Albedo would do anything for her love, and the other minions will follow…save for Demiurge. Demiurge will be a problem. As for Clementine…well, I don't know.**

 **No numbered annotations this time.**


	10. Chapter 9: Downfall of Castle and

**CHAPTER 9:**

 **DOWNFALL OF CASTLE AND COUNTRY**

Shortly after that embarrassing little interlude, Church managed to get Ninya away from the main group of the Swords of Darkness. As gently as he could, he confronted her about hiding her gender, acknowledging it was a pretty good idea. It took a moment for her to trust that he was mostly curious about things, and that he wasn't going to expose her gender. As it happened, both Peter and Dyne knew, while Lukrut was pretty clueless.

As they sat near the graveyard of the village, Church asked, "So…your sister was abducted by those cockbite nobles, right?"

Ninya nodded solemnly. "Tsuareninya, Tsuare for short. I don't know what's happened to her. There are many people trying to stamp out the practise of kidnapping and slavery in Re-Estize, including Princess Renner, but the practise is still going on out of sight."

"Is Gazef one of those working against slavery?" Church asked.

"I heard he is…and the nobles hate him all the more for it," Ninya said quietly. "As I said, Princess Renner is trying to stamp it out. It's said that she has a connection to the Blue Roses, and has them working against those perpetuating the slave trade. Rumour has it that the Blue Roses have begun attacks against the Eight Fingers."

The Eight Fingers, an infamous crime organisation. While powerful, it was also noted for immense infighting. Church had asked Sebas to keep an eye out for any organisations in the area.

Church chuckled ruefully. "I guess it was too much to hope that the Slane Theocracy had a monopoly on cockbites and douchebags in this continent. Ninya…I'm not going to lie and promise you that I'm definitely going to find your sister. But I promise that I will have my people keep an eye out for her. A couple of my allies went to Re-Estize City to visit, make connections with the nobles. They're taking a longer route, though. But we have ways of sending messages that can help."

"Why would you do that? We barely know each other," Ninya asked.

"Yeah, and frankly, I'm an asshole, but…well, a kid like you shouldn't have to go through that shit in the first place. Jeez, and I thought what I heard from Gazef was bad enough. Slavery…like I said, Ninya, I can't guarantee that I will find your sister, but I'll have my people keep an eye out. Leaving it aside that it's a decent thing to do, if these cockbites are doing this, then it's gonna be a pleasure to stick it sideways to them."

Ninya gave a sad, disbelieving smile, and turned to watch the others. "You're so strange. You're even more vulgar and rude than half the people I've met in a pub or on the road, your weapons are loud and…well, cold. You and South and those others we met, they seem so dangerous, and yet…I trust you. To try and look for my sister, if nothing else." She then shivered a little.

"What's the matter?" Church asked.

"I've got a sense of…well, dread. Like someone walked over my grave," the girl said. "It's been like that for a little while. Ever since I heard rumours about Zuranon operating in E-Rantel."

Church frowned. Zuranon: a clichéd-sounding cult of necromancers who were into human sacrifices and raising the dead, according to the information he had stolen from the minds of the Slane Theocracy fucktards. "That can't be good," he said with considerable understatement. He made a note to contact Sebas and Solution ASAP. They would be in E-Rantel by now, or getting close. He wanted them to keep an eye out for Tsuare, and to relay any rumours or information about Zuranon. Sebas would probably be enthusiastic about the latter in particular: apparently his creator, who had the bizarre name of Touch Me, was very into ideals of justice, despite being in a guild filled with monsters.

Church, despite being a cynical and bitter man, liked Sebas. He was old, calm, dignified, and yet managed to stay morally upright in a dungeon filled with monsters. What's more, his heroism wasn't going to be utterly stupid like something Tucker or Caboose would do. Sebas was a bit like Tex on one of her better days.

Church, Narberal and the Swords of Darkness were going to stay in Carne Village overnight, before heading back to E-Rantel. Thanks to Aura's help, Nfirea had managed to get some quality medicinal plants…though frankly, there were none of the type that Church would have to confiscate from Tucker and…umm, destroy according to regulations. Yeah…

* * *

They stayed overnight in Carne, intending to leave early in the morning. While the others were sleeping, Church got a message from Sebas. He had communicated with Sebas earlier about what happened, and Sebas and Solution agreed to keep an eye on things. Apparently they had been listening to rumours in E-Rantel too, Sebas more than Solution, who was playing the role of a spoiled heiress. One rumour disturbed Church more than any other: that someone called Clementine had been sighted in the city.

Clementine. It was a name that chilled Church to the bone. It was a name in Nigun's memory as an infamous member of the Black Scripture. Admittedly, 'Clementine' was an alias, one of many, but that was standard for the Black Scripture, apparently, like codenames. Clementine was apparently what happened when you combined the sheer crazy of Omega with the abilities of Tex, or Carolina. Although Church personally thought, given what he saw in Nigun's noggin, that she was like Bellatrix Lestrange and Red Sonja combined. Sadistic, brutal, and skilled, she was all kinds of nope in a sexy package.

Anyway, Sebas was messaging him, so it meant something important had turned up. _Yes, Sebas?_

 _Lord Church, I bring tidings both good and ill_.

Church sighed. _Okay, I'd say bad news first, but give me the whole story. It sounds like a long one._

 _Very well. As part of our plan, we allowed ourselves to be ambushed by a group of bandits. I dealt with most of them, with Solution deciding to dine with a young man who intended to have his way with her, but I left enough alive to lead me to their hideout. I met with the leader of the bandits, a mercenary called Brain Unglaus. As it happens, he was once beaten by Gazef, and has worked to try and overcome him. Mr Unglaus is certainly very skilled. Not enough to pose a threat to either myself or Solution, but his mastery of Martial Skills is most excellent. After defeating him in a fight, I made him an offer. He accepted. He will teach us Martial Skills abilities in exchange for training to as high a level as he can go. His loyalty to his men was little: we spared a couple of use, and killed the rest_.

Church nodded. The generally principled Sebas killing them probably meant that they weren't nice people at all. _Got it. And then?_

 _We left, and found ourselves confronted by a group of adventurers who were trying to deal with the bandits. We managed to resolve things without it coming to a head. Did you happen to give a potion to a girl by the name of Brita in E-Rantel? Red-haired, rather hot-tempered?_

 _Probably. I didn't get her name. But you said there was bad news. What is it?_

 _These adventurers had split their group, and one of their number had been attacked. I offered to go and help, and with Solution's help, we found their fallen comrade, and returned to them. They have since departed. We used those binoculars you created for the armoury, and found a group of unknown warriors in a clearing. They are strong by this world's standards, but they have one thing that truly concerns me: a World Item_.

Church froze. _Are you sure?_

 _Solution and I overheard them discussing it. The World Item is a robe of some kind that an old woman is wearing, called the Downfall of Castle and Country. It allows the user to take over the mind of an enemy. We have managed to get away from the area without them detecting us, but I thought you would want to know. While their affiliation is unknown, Solution also overheard them discussing Clementine's defection from their ranks, suggesting that they may be from the Black Scripture_.

Church frowned. The Black Scripture were meant to be an elite group, so they shouldn't be advertising their presence, or what they had. It could be a trap. But the thought of gaining a World Item sold him. _While technically I'm in the middle of something, I'll come over using Gate. I'll have Narberal explain my absence if necessary. If these cockbites really are from the Slane Theocracy, I think we can give them hell. Remain at the area if possible. You're still wearing the armour?_

 _Of course, Lord Church._

 _Right_. Church summoned a sniper rifle, before using the Gate magic to bring him to Sebas' position…

* * *

He soon had the people in his sights, lying on the ground, making sure nothing would reflect off the scope in the moonlight. Sebas and Solution, both dressed in UNSC armour to conceal their identity, were also lying on the ground. "So that old lady in the Chinese dress is the one wearing the World Item?" Church whispered.

Sebas nodded. "Your orders?"

Church, after a moment, said, "We're going to gank them. Sebas, Solution, make your way quietly to other sides of the clearing. Once you're ready, send me a Message. Once you are, I'm going to shoot the old lady. Also, as soon as you are ready…" He handed Sebas and Solution a scroll apiece. "That ought to break any surveillance spells on the area. They had some on Nigun. We kill them quickly. Don't leave any survivors, or even corpses. We'll bring them back to Nazarick for Demiurge to molest or something. Or maybe you and Entoma could make yourselves a pantry, Solution."

"Understood, Lord Church," Sebas and Solution said simultaneously.

* * *

In the end, it was too easy. Anticlimactic, even, and Church, who had been used to situations going too swimmingly, only to turn to shit soon after, waited for the other shoe to drop.

Okay, while killing an old woman wasn't going to get him any good karma any time soon, he was sure that was mitigated by the fact that she was a member of the Slane Theocracy, already on his shitlist, and that she had a World Item. Bad combination, in his not so humble opinion.

Some of them stayed and fought. Others tried to escape. Between Sebas, Solution and Church, none of them survived. They used Gate magic to send the corpses through to Nazarick. Church decided to take the World Item with him for now, keep it in his inventory. He'd even managed to possess one of the last fighters…and managed to get more information.

After they were done, Church looked grimly at the bloodsoaked ground. "Are you troubled, Lord Church?" Sebas asked quietly.

"A little. Okay, the Black Scripture aren't nice people, but…"

"They should be bowing in supplication to you, Lord Church," Solution declared.

Church rounded on her, glaring from behind his helmet's visor. "Solution, I don't _want_ people bowing at my feet. I'm only killing these bastards because the Slane Theocracy murdered all those people just to draw one guy out! And from what I got from Nigun's mind, there's others as bad. They kill non-humans, supposedly as a form of defence, but they don't know where to draw the line. Some humans, we help. Others, we deal with. We may be ridiculously OP compared to these chumps so far, but if we piss off the wrong person, someone who might be stronger than us, we're fucked. So we play nice. I don't care if the people you eat are douchebags. But we don't make these people bow." Taking a calming breath, he added, "We make fuckers scream who deserve to scream. Got it?"

Eventually, Solution nodded. "I understand. Forgive me."

"That's fine. Solution, as I told Albedo, I'm not out to conquer the world. We are trying to make it a better place. I'm not saying you can't enjoy yourself doing so. Just know there's a time and a place."

"Understood, Lord Church!" Solution said, with more eagerness.

"Now, aside from your main mission in Re-Estize City, remember to keep an eye out for any leads on Tsuare. It's more likely that you'll stumble across her, though, if you do find her at all. Now, if slave rings are common in Re-Estize, keep an eye out for them. Gather information about them before taking these fuckers apart, just in case they have friends in high or low places, but when you do wreck their shit, do it Carthage-style, salting the earth and all that shit. If they're with the Eight Fingers, then we just stomp on them. If we can get Renner's help on this with those Blue Roses, all the better. By the way, Sebas, who's dealing with that Brain Unglaus guy back at Nazarick?"

"I decided on Albedo, Lord Church," Sebas said. "I originally considered Cocytus, given his warrior mentality, but his appearance and his inability to deactivate his cold aura were points against him, sadly. Demiurge was not a good option, and Shalltear, while a skilled warrior in her own right, may taunt him. I considered recalling Yuri Alpha or Aura, but decided against it, and Shizu Delta may not have much to discuss with him, considering her specialisation in ranged weaponry."

"Yeah, but…Albedo?"

"She is under orders not to harm him, and to refrain from taunting him. I have pointed out that you would want him alive and willing to help us, and that swayed her. I must say, Albedo is improving in her tact since we came to this world. I presume it's your influence, Lord Church."

Well, that meant more about her concealing her crazy better than her becoming less crazy, Church reflected. Still, better than nothing.

"Okay, head on back to the carriage and start heading to Re-Estize City. I'll have to head back to the Swords of Darkness before long. Remember what I said."

The pair of them bowed, and made their way away from the clearing. As they did so, Church looked up at the star-filled skies. How many people on this world looked up, and even wondered whether they were little more than balls of fire hanging in the sky? Whether there may be aliens? Did they even comprehend the distance between such places? Hell, Church couldn't comprehend it. It was all very well to talk in terms of light years, parsecs, and all that shit, but while he wasn't stupid, he also knew the human mind couldn't comprehend that. If the people of his time couldn't, how could people growing in a medieval world do that?

He sighed, and called up a Gate, not realising that, some hours later, a great power would mark the battlefield, and begin to suspect the presence of a power it had sensed before. But Church wouldn't find out until later…

* * *

Thankfully, none of the Swords of Darkness had noticed his absence. Early in the morning, they set out back for E-Rantel, and only got back in the evening. Church intended to escort Nfirea all the way back to the shop with the Swords of Darkness. Thanks to Aura's help and the willingness of the so-called Wise King of the Forest, they'd gathered a lot of plants useful to the Baleares.

As they began bringing in bundles of herbs and medicinal plants, Nfirea frowned. "Hey, what's up, Supes?" Church asked.

"Grandma isn't here," Nfirea said, indicating the darkened shop with a lit lantern. "She would've come down to greet us otherwise. She must've gone to deal with an errand or something."

Church hoped that was the case. Something about this situation was making his instincts scream. It was like the Meta was nearby.

Once they had unloaded the bundles, Nfirea offered to give them some fruit water, whatever that was, only for a door to open. "Oh, welcome back, kid! You're here at long last," a woman's voice lilted out. But it wasn't an older woman's, not like you'd expect from a grandmother. No, it was a younger woman's, but filled with as much crazy as Omega or Sarge. "I was so worried about you, because you kept me waiting. _Shame on you._ "

The woman who stepped through was wearing a cloak, though Church noticed through the gap of the cloak a bizarre costume. Yeesh, did people actually wear that Red Sonja chainmail bikini crap? She had a short bob of blonde hair framing features that would have been considered attractive, if it weren't for the deranged, vaguely feline expression she was making, filled with malevolence. Her red eyes glinted at them in the firelight from the lantern. Church, however, recognised her instantly from the memories he had stolen from other members of the Slane Theocracy. And he knew the Swords of Darkness were in VERY deep trouble.

For this was Clementine.

 **CHAPTER 9 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Well, that just happened. Church may have scored one victory over the Black Scripture, and bagged a World Item into the bargain, but will he be able to save anyone from Clementine?**

 **Review-answering time!** **DocSlendy** **: Agreed. Demiurge is the real wildcard, as everyone else is more conventionally loyal to Church. I think, though, doing evil for its own sake is so thoroughly entrenched in Demiurge, he may eventually revolt against Church. Then again, Church might be able to persuade him to only do evil things to evil people.**

 **Za Warudo** **: Yeah, no, not gonna happen. Church already has enough crazy women in his life (Shalltear and Albedo) to deal with that.**

 **Lawless** **: In making Aura like that…well, I'd like to think that, of all the Floor Guardians, the best inclined towards humans (other than Sebas and a few of the Pleiades) would be Aura and Mare. Cocytus might too, but he's too inhuman to get reactions other than fear and loathing. I think part of the reason Aura reacts so well is because she got praise and sympathy, and while she would prefer it from a Supreme Being, given her Neutral Evil alignment, I don't think she'd mind it. She'd kill them in a flash if ordered to, though. I can see Aura and Mare getting along with Ninya when (not if) she is brought into the fold.**

 **As for Church's meeting with Renner, well, I can't say. As of writing this, I've only just started reading Book 5 (I'm reading Book 5 and 6 together, given that they're two parts of the same story). Personally, I think that there'd be a bit of that, but something will set off Church's 'psycho bitch' senses, like he thinks she's like Tex at her worst, or maybe South Dakota. As for Clementine…well, we'll see.**

 **No numbered annotations this time.**


	11. Chapter 10: My Not-So-Darling Clementine

**CHAPTER 10:**

 **MY NOT-SO-DARLING CLEMENTINE**

"Umm, who are you?" Nfirea asked, uncertainly.

"Trouble," Church said, standing with Peter Mauk protectively in front of the boy. "I know of you. Clementine of the Black Scripture, I presume?"

This surprised the woman mildly, though it didn't faze her that much. "Oh? And are you with the Slane Theocracy too?"

"Actually, I've got a bone to pick with them. More than one." Church, summoning his shotgun, pumped a round into it at the ready.

Clementine didn't seem intimidated one jot. "Oh? And the fact that little old me has left them doesn't mean anything to you?"

"Nope."

"Wellll, you'd be about right. Y'see, I'm here to kidnap the kid, have him summon up an undead army to cause all sorts of havoc. So, wanna join in the fun?"

Church fired a blast at her, only for the crazy bitch to dodge. "Yeah, _no_."

"I wasn't asking you! And what the hell was that thing?"

"Fuck you, that's what," Church said, before firing again, only for Clementine to leap into the air. She was suddenly caught by a blast of lightning courtesy of Narberal, who was holding back to keep up appearances, and hurled into a wall, gasping in pain. With a snarl, she threw one of her stilettos with lightning speed at Peter, whose last expression as the stiletto pierced his forehead was a look of terminal surprise.

"Bitch!" Lukrut snarled. He charged forward, only for Clementine to jab another stiletto into his chest.

"I know your type. How does it feel to have the pointy thing in you for once?" Clementine leered. " _Shocking_ , right?" And then, she twisted the stiletto, causing Lukrut to be consumed by electrical bolts crawling over his body. He couldn't even scream in agony as he convulsed. When the electrical magic finished its deadly work, Lukrut's charred body toppled over.

And that's when Church remembered his anger. He remembered that he had Omega, aka O'Malley within him. As the fragment of AI, Omega was like a cartoon villain. Dangerous as fuck, true, but he was also somewhat laughable, going off on tangents about how oblivion tastes like Red Bull.

But if Sigma was part of him now, then so was Omega. And Church was pissed. Not the usual simmer of anger he felt normally as his baseline state of being, or the rage he felt when people pissed him off by being idiots.

No. This was a cold anger, a wrath like a snowstorm, cryogenic. Indeed, for the first time since he had come to this world, he could feel the fragments of himself. He could feel Delta, Gamma, Sigma, Omega, Theta, and the others…and they were all united by a single thought.

 _WRECK. HER. SHIT_.

"Aw, you mad I killed your friend?" Clementine jeered. And that was the last straw. He said one more thing before he succumbed to his rage, his voice drawing out into a bestial snarl on the last syllable.

"Oh, I'm _livid_. By the way, guess what tastes like Red Bull _,_ _ **bitch**_ _?_ "

He was on her at a speed he didn't even know he possessed, and she certainly was surprised. He kicked her knee, causing it to crunch ever-so-satisfyingly, though that wasn't as satisfying as the howl of pure agony she emitted. He swung the butt of the shotgun into her face, sending her flying, though not before parting company with at least three of her teeth.

Even in his fury, he was holding back, at least with the strength. He wanted this bitch to **_suffer_**. So while her injuries were severe, they were not enough to kill her, yet, or even knock her out.

" _BASTAAAAAARRRRRD!_ " screamed Clementine, even as she drew a stiletto, and jammed it into his foot, before twisting it, setting him on fire. The UNSC armour was flame retardant, but it still hurt like a bitch, and the flames hid Clementine from view. Thankfully, they died down fairly quickly, and Church knocked her out with a vicious kick.

"I told you you play around with your food too much, Clementine," sneered a voice from behind. Church turned to find some decrepit old fuck walking in, holding a jewel. He held the jewel aloft, and it strobed. Suddenly, Peter and Lukrut rose from the floor…only, their eyes were clouded over with cataracts, and they were lurching at Dyne and Narberal.

Narberal sneered at Lukrut, who was the one to attack her, and punched his head clean off. Probably was therapeutic for her, even though, for someone who was a medieval fantasy equivalent of Tucker, he didn't deserve that shit happening to him. Dyne tried smashing Peter's head in, but didn't succeed. The skull of the zombie caved in a little, but didn't stop. Church aimed his shotgun at Peter's head, and fired, the report deafening in the confined space. "Sorry, Peter," he said quietly.

"Meta!" Narberal yelled, and Church looked over in time for the door the old fuck was standing in to slam shut.

"After him, South! But get that smug cockbite alive!"

After a moment, Narberal nodded in understanding, and dashed out. "Supes, Dyne, Ninya, are you guys okay?" he asked.

The two teens nodded mutely, while Dyne muttered, "I'm as hale and hearty as I can be, under the circumstances. Is that really Clementine?"

"Yeah, you heard of her?"

"Only that she is an infamous member of the Slane Theocracy's Black Scripture, and even then, that's only because of a recent defection," Dyne scowled. "I know the man better. Khajit Badantel, one of the higher-ups in Zuranon. That damned jewel must've been the Orb of Death I heard rumours about. It allows him to summon the undead as you saw. I hope South is strong enough to stop him: he's a powerful caster."

"Let me tell you something, Dyne," Church said. "South and I _have been holding back_. She has no trouble ending that son of a bitch so thoroughly, they'd have trouble finding even ashes. We're only taking him alive because the authorities will want to speak to him." He glared at Clementine. "As for this bitch…I don't feel like taking her alive."

He knelt down next to her, and then entered her mind, hoping that they wouldn't be able to see her being possessed by him. Given the darkness in the room, they probably didn't notice what happened. Still, being in her mind wasn't a pleasant experience. He didn't explode her: no need to scare Ninya and Nfirea more than they already were. Instead, once he withdrew, he took one of her stilettos, and jammed it into her eye socket, before twisting it. She convulsed as bolts of electricity ran through her body. Too quick a death, but frankly, she was too dangerous, with the others around. He heard Ninya yelp slightly at the attack.

He stood, and went over to the young mage, and gave her a hug, taking off his helmet. "Hey, hey…it's okay, Ninya," he said softly. "I'm sorry Peter and Lukrut got killed by this bitch."

"How did you know Clementine?" Dyne asked.

"I encountered some of those cockbites from the Slane Theocracy when I first arrived in this country," Church said. "I interrogated them, and hard." A lie, but an acceptable one. "I thought they might have been exaggerating a little. About her skill, anyway. Should've shot the bitch the moment she showed herself."

He had to admit, he was surprised he felt this angry about Peter and Lukrut. He'd only known them for a couple of days, and Lukrut had annoyed him for most of that, and yet, he felt angry for their deaths. Well, maybe gaining his fragments back made him more whole, more **_human_**. _Fuck you, Sigma_ , he thought darkly to himself.

* * *

It was some time later when Lizzy Baleare, a diminutive older woman, came back, Nfirea going to her immediately, and telling her the story. Church resolved to go and find the item that Clementine had stolen, if only to destroy it. Narberal sent Messages, having managed to dispose of Khajit's followers, and knocking out Khajit, for delivery to the authorities. She'd also found the Crown of Wisdom, which she promptly destroyed.

As they waited, the quintet drinking tea Lizzy had brewed, Church sat protectively close to Ninya, as did Dyne. "So," Church said, "where to after this?"

"What do you mean?" Ninya asked.

"Have you guys got somewhere to go? Any other adventuring group to go with? I know you're probably not gonna go adventuring for a while, given what happened to Peter and Lukrut. I'm just worried about you guys."

"Are you offering a place with Ainz Ooal Gown, Meta?" Dyne asked, curiously.

"Not really. Oh, if you really wanted to, I'd smooth things over, but, well, many of those there don't think much of humans, due to how we fled our home country. South is one of them. I've got a couple of people heading to Re-Estize City with orders to keep an eye out for Ninya's sister. You do know…" Church indicated Ninya meaningfully.

"Of course I know Ninya is a girl," Dyne said. "Lukrut didn't, but Peter did. But you figured it out?"

"I guessed, and I asked Ninya nicely while we were at Carne," Church said. "Can't blame her for hiding her gender while on the road, if what happened to her sister was any indication."

"Yes. The reach of the Eight Fingers is everywhere in Re-Estize," Dyne said quietly and solemnly.

Church nodded. "Anyway, have you got somewhere to go?"

"Maybe. Once we deal with this mess, the Guild can help us find someone to join," Dyne said. "Sadly, the death of part if not all of an adventuring party is an all-too-common occurrence. I have seen it once before myself, before I joined the Swords of Darkness, but Ninya…"

The girl nodded, quivering a little. "Does…does it get easier, Meta?"

Quietly, Church said, "My name's Church. My real name. Leonard Church. And you mean seeing death and all that? Well, for me, sadly it does. I can't give you any advice, kid. I'm sure Dyne's better at that shit than I would be. Only thing I can say is that you're probably too young to start drinking. Doubt there's any shrinks in this world, either."

"Shrinks?" Lizzy Baleare asked.

"Head shrinkers. Psychiatrists. You know, people who deal with mental problems. Knowing the state of this society, you've probably got some creepy asylum on a hill," Church said. "But a friend who cares would be helpful…"

* * *

Narberal finally came back, having gone to the authorities with Khajit. She came to fetch Church and the corpse of Clementine. In the report they had to give, Church made sure to emphasise the role the Swords of Darkness played.

In the end, the Adventurers' Guild, based on the report given to them, granted all adventurers involved a higher rank. The Swords of Darkness became Gold Plate adventurers, with Peter and Lukrut gaining theirs posthumously. Church and Narberal got theirs upgraded to Silver, with Narberal keeping her discontent quiet. Still, defeating Zuranon and killing Clementine helped, and the Guild did indicate that such a feat would get them fast-tracked to higher levels.

It was a bittersweet victory for Church. Peter and Lukrut wouldn't get to enjoy their new rank, and while Dyne bore the tragedy with a stoicism born of experience, poor Ninya was another matter. Narberal's indifference (if not disdain) to her suffering didn't help. He left Dyne and Ninya a radio, telling them to call him up if they needed him, before heading back to Nazarick for the time being.

While a small but loud party greeted his return, Church didn't feel like celebrating. He was angry and sad and filled with self-loathing. He slunk off quietly as soon as he could, getting sick and tired of the praise that was being heaped on him.

He showered, and then sat on his bed, his thoughts cannibalising themselves. He didn't realise that Albedo had entered until she sat down next to him on the bed. "Lord Church?" she asked softly. "Narberal said you reacted badly to the two humans dying."

"Yeah. I mean, I barely knew them and all, but…they didn't deserve what happened to them, being shanked by that psycho bitch and then turned into zombies."

After a moment, Church felt her arm on his shoulder. "Church…" she said quietly. "As your lover…I don't want to see you like this. What can I do to make you feel better?"

"…Just stay with me for the night. No sex…I just need the company, okay?"

"I understand," Albedo said softly. She didn't sound disappointed. If anything, the damned Succubus sounded sympathetic. She probably didn't care one jot about Peter and Lukrut dying. But she cared about his wellbeing. So he allowed her to cuddle him, as he tried to get some sleep. It didn't prevent the nightmares from coming, though. But Albedo, for all her psycho tendencies, was there for him…

 **CHAPTER 10 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Okay, well, that got heavy. Unlike Momonga, Church is still very much a human with empathy. Not that much, but as indicated above, being reunited with his fragments has changed him.**

 **Now, some thoughts on what happened. Firstly, the fate of the Swords of Darkness. Ninya was definitely going to survive: that I had resolved a long time ago. However, I still wanted to kill at least one of them off. I'll be honest, I don't like Lukrut, so killing him was a no-brainer. Peter was another matter, but I liked Dyne better than him, and I think Dyne would prove to be a good father figure to Ninya in the aftermath of all this.**

 **Secondly, the fate of Clementine. Until I wrote this chapter, I didn't know whether to spare her or to kill her, but after having her kill Lukrut and Peter, I decided to kill her. The reason why Church doesn't do what Momonga does in canon is that he is trying to protect the others, and so works hard to disable her. Once he's calmed down a little, he kills her (though not before possessing her to get memories from her) because he knows she is WAY too dangerous to leave alive. She might get revived by Nazarick at a later date, and made into a slave using Downfall of Castle and Country (I very nearly had that used in the fight, but decided against it), but that's up in the air.**

 **Thirdly, the upgrading of the adventurers. Church and Narberal got two ranks up because they got Clementine and Khajit. I didn't give them the massive jump they did in canon because, unlike canon, they didn't fight their way through a massive undead army.**

 **Fourthly, Albedo's comforting of Church. While I'm keeping her closer to canon than I did with my Potterverse crossover** ** _Yield to the Darkness_** **(plug, plug), I think their relationship is a healthier one for a number of reasons than her relationship with Momonga. Firstly, Albedo can actually fuck Church, so a lot of her little delusions are not as pronounced, as she's living the life she wants. Secondly, Church makes it far clearer to Albedo what he intends and what he wants, and I think she appreciates his honesty, and she certainly appreciates him being honest about what he did to make her loyal, even if she thinks it doesn't matter. So while Albedo couldn't really care less about the deaths of Peter and Lukrut, she doesn't want to see Church in pain, so she comforts him.**

 **Now, to the future. Firstly, I'm skipping over the events of Book 4: Church has no desire to conquer the Lizardmen. I will have him send envoys, though, so Zaryusu, Crusch, and others will get a mention.**

 **Secondly, yes, I will be doing Book 5 and 6, as the final arc of this fanfic. I am, as of writing, most of the way through the official Yen Press release of Book 6. That's part of the reason I haven't written about the Eight Fingers or the Blue Roses much. And both Ninya and Dyne will take part, as will Brain, albeit in a slightly different capacity to canon.**

 **Okay. That's that little preamble over. Now onto Review-answering time!** **jgkitarel** **: Sorry you didn't get to see it. As it happened offscreen, though, Narberal used a lightning spell strong enough to knock Khajit out…and make him shit his robes. As for Renner, well, he's still going to be wary of her. He'll think of Climb as basically a smarter version of Caboose (who does set the bar pretty low).**

 **No numbered annotations this time.**


	12. Chapter 11: Tsuare

**CHAPTER 11:**

 **TSUARE**

 _Over a month later_ …

"…And then he blows up her body! I mean, for all his secretive spook shit, Washington had major issues. Then again, considering that bitch backstabbed him, I can't blame him one jot in hindsight."

The blue-haired, cocky-looking man chuckled. "Yeah. I'll drink to that. He sounds pretty cool, though, not unlike those other guys you were stuck with. Shame I couldn't meet this Tex. I'd tap that hard."

"Look, Brain, little bit of friendly advice, Tex is not someone you want to fuck with. Coming on to her too hard is a surefire way to get your skull pulled out of your head to beat you to death with."

"…That doesn't sound possible."

"Which is what the last poor sap who had it done to him said…but given how fucked up my memories are, I may not remember it correctly," Church said with a shrug. "But Tex was the sort of person to do that if it was possible."

"Hey, I can believe that," the man called Brain said. "She'd fit right in with the Blue Roses. Or the Six Arms of the Eight Fingers."

"I'd nix the last one. Tex'd probably take them apart on general principle," Church said. "Hell, so am I. I'm an asshole, but I have principles."

"Ha! I'll drink to that! Sous-Chef! Another drink!"

The fungoid bartender, albeit a little grudgingly, gave Brain another drink. Church got his own, and contemplated what had happened recently.

In the aftermath of the debacle in E-Rantel, his fame was rising. Aura had discovered a number of Lizardman villages nearby, and Church visited them to network with them, see if they were interested in, if not an alliance, then maybe some trade. He'd gotten the most positive results with the Green Claw and the Red Eye tribes. In fact, while bringing one of the Green Claw clan, Zaryusu something or other, to the leader of the Red Eye clan, he'd inadvertently played matchmaker when Zaryusu met the Red Eye leader, an albino lizard woman called Crusch. Hell, apparently they were banging already.

Church had made it clear from the outset that he wasn't interested in conquering them. The Slane Theocracy and the Eight Fingers were the only significant members of his shitlist. However, Cocytus wished to become Church's liaison with the Lizardmen. Given the honourable warrior mindset of the massive insect monster and the similar one possessed by the Lizardmen, Church should have seen that coming, and allowed it, as long as Cocytus didn't start a war. Apparently, after the initial shock, Cocytus was well-received by the Lizardmen.

Between going on quests for the Adventurers' Guild and running the Tomb, Church tried to make sure he had time to socialise. And he found that, of all the current inhabitants of Nazarick, he was getting along best with Brain Unglaus.

The two met shortly after the Zuranon fiasco in this very bar, on the ninth floor of the Tomb. Brain was trying to get over his resounding defeat at the hands of Sebas, and Church was trying to drink away the nightmares of Peter and Lukrut being zombified. The two actually found some common ground, and the two had become drinking buddies. Then again, aside from Church, the only truly friendly denizens towards Brain were the absent Sebas and Cocytus, along with Aura and Mare. The other denizens only tolerated Brain because of Church's edict, were indifferent…or feigned interest that held an underlying menace.

"It's weird, you know," Brain said. "I very nearly gave in to despair when that butler of yours beat me. Like he was a mountain I couldn't even begin to climb. And yet…when he said he wanted my help, I had to wonder why. I'm glad you didn't send that vampire woman. That would've been worse."

Church chuckled. Shalltear had taken an odd shine to Brain (albeit in the same way someone would pay attention to a pet), and had often been his sparring partner, though Church got her to tone down the taunting. Then again, blocking Brain's sword with the fingernail of her pinky was enough of a taunt already. She, along with Albedo and Yuri Alpha (who had left the task of training the people of Carne to Lupusregina Beta), were Brain's most frequent opponents.

After the whole debacle of the Zuranon BS, Church had taken the World Item Downfall of Castle and Country to the treasury. He had been there before as a ghost, hacking his way through the system, so he knew what traps to expect. He also knew that Momonga had an NPC he created as the guardian of the treasury…though meeting Pandora's Actor after he had been brought to life was certainly an experience. Seriously, the guy was ridiculously hammy and OTT, and he hoped that Momonga was ashamed of creating him to be like that. Still, Pandora's Actor was still very much loyal to him.

As for Dyne and Ninya, they eventually got in contact a couple of weeks after their comrades were murdered. No other adventuring groups wanted to take them in yet, but Lizzy wanted to retain their services for any job involving her or her grandson. This included Church and Narberal, and they helped escort a delivery of medicines to another city. In a way, this meant, unofficially, that the four were now considered a new adventuring group. Ninya and Dyne vetoed naming it the Swords of Darkness again: it was the former's idea at the time, and she blamed herself for the deaths of her comrades, despite Dyne and Church's reassurances on the matter. Brain had joined them for the mission, and Dyne and Ninya were surprised to find that Brain Unglaus had thrown his lot in with Ainz Ooal Gown. Church had even gotten Ninya to donate some blood: he explained it by saying he had a spell that could determine whether people were related. In truth, he could let Solution drink it to compare.

That little mission had taken a little over a week. Meanwhile, Sebas had established himself within Re-Estize City, and was making connections, as well as investigating the Eight Fingers. The information Church had gotten from his victims was, admittedly, very general. Indeed, many in the Slane Theocracy wanted to allow the Eight Fingers to destroy the Re-Estize kingdom from within.

Suddenly, he got a Message, from Sebas. " _My lord, I have news_ ," he said, his voice trembling with emotion. All sorts of emotion. The usually-stoic butler sounded like he was furious…and yet, there was something happy. As if it was good news, but wrapped up in a fuckton of bad news.

" _What is it, Sebas?_ "

"… _I think we may have found Tsuare._ "

* * *

The instant he heard that, he took Albedo and Brain, using a Gate to go to Sebas' position. They arrived in the mansion they were living in to find Sebas and Solution standing over someone in a bed. "Lord Church," Sebas said with a bow.

"Sebas. You said you might have found Tsuare. Well?"

Sebas moved aside, and Church instantly felt his gorge rise. He could hear Brain making a gagging noise of disgust and pity, while Albedo's lips thinned. "Fuck," Church said quietly. It was the only thing he could say upon seeing the body lying in the bed.

Church was no stranger to death, even leaving aside the fact that he had experienced it himself. But to see that broken, beaten lump of meat on the bed was one of the worst experiences in his entire life. It looked more like a zombie than a person. The face was swollen from being pummelled, a number of teeth lost, her hair coarse, her frame emaciated and diseased.

And yet, despite the disfigurement of injury, Church could see a resemblance to Ninya. Barely, given the injuries, but it was there. After a moment, Church said, in a cold, cold voice, "Solution…have you diagnosed what's wrong with her?"

The blonde Shoggoth maid nodded. "I finished the examination shortly before you arrived. She has multiple venereal diseases, including long-term syphilis infection. Multiple bone fractures in her ribs and fingers, and her front teeth on her upper and lower jaw are gone. She is on the verge of complete organ failure, and she has signs of some sort of drug addiction. Torn tendons in her right arm and left leg, and an anal fissure. There are other injuries, but…what are your orders, Lord Church?"

Church restrained his anger with an effort. Now was not the time to go charging of here and kill every last son of a bitch who did this to her. That would come later. Taking a calming breath, he said, "Do you have a healing scroll?"

"Yes, I do," Sebas said.

Solution, already having been notified about Church's desire to help, didn't protest. "Am I to understand that we are to heal her to a point before these injuries were inflicted on her, my lord?"

"Yes. Bathe her and feed her once you're done."

"Then I will go to buy some food," Sebas said.

* * *

They waited outside the room while Solution tended to the girl and Sebas went to buy food. "Lord Church," Albedo said. "We have no reason to believe that the girl is truly Tsuare. Is it wise to use a healing scroll on her with only a gut feeling?"

"Yes," Church said, his voice thick with emotion. "You saw what a fellow human…no, many humans did to her. They fucked her in probably every hole she had, infected her with their diseases, beat the shit out of her, and if I'm guessing right, tossed her out with the trash to die. Even if she isn't Tsuare, she could be our in for dealing with the Eight Fingers."

Brain nodded. "Yeah. I mean, I saw some pretty nasty shit as a mercenary working with those bandits, but still…I feel sick."

Albedo closed her eyes. "Well, if that is your will, Lord Church…then I look forward to crushing these fools that have angered and sickened you so."

"I think Sebas has half a mind to go back to wherever he found her to wipe them out himself," Church said. "Keep in mind that he is very much like Touch Me, with all that justice crap. And I ain't disagreeing, but we're going to do it smart, and we're going to do it thoroughly. And we're going to throw the survivors to Demiurge to play around with. I know he's been itching to torture someone, might as well be someone who deserves it."

"If that is your will," Albedo said, before smirking. "I'm going to enjoy showing these idiots the folly of offending you…"

* * *

Sebas came back at about the same time as Solution finished healing and bathing the girl. "Lord Church," Solution said, "after healing the girl, it seems that Master Sebas' supposition does seem correct, as she does resemble the girl Ninya to a degree."

"Okay. Oh, that's right. Final test. Solution, here. Does this blood taste anything like the girl you just healed? It's from Ninya."

Solution, who had put her fingers into the girl's body to administer sedation and thus knew what she 'tasted' like, took the vial Church removed from his inventory, and tasted it, before nodding. "If they aren't siblings or related, I'd be surprised."

"Good. We'll talk to her to make sure, but…Sebas, Solution, good work. Now, Sebas, I need you to tell me exactly how you came across her. Leave no detail out, especially if you were spotted taking her away."

"Understood, Lord Church." He then related his tale, speaking of how, in an attempt to map the city better, took a different route here. He encountered the girl, tossed out in a sack, by coincidence, but when he made to rescue her, a man came along, claiming he was going to take the girl to a shrine to be healed. In truth, it was more likely that said man was going to dispose of her permanently. Sebas managed to win the ensuing battle of wills and take the girl away.

Afterwards, Church sighed. "Okay, while it's good it didn't come to killing just yet, the truth is, that cockbite's probably given your description to his bosses. And given that the nobles are involved, who's to say members of the city watch aren't as well? I think you should be on the lookout against dirty cops. I also think we'll need to accelerate our plans. Sebas, Solution, start to make overtures towards Gazef. Mention that you work with Ainz Ooal Gown. See if you can use him as a means to contact Princess Renner, it might help. We'll prepare to take Tsuare back to Nazarick. She is to be treated even better than Brain is, Albedo. Am I clear?"

"Crystal, my lord," Albedo said, nodding. "Should I assign anyone specifically to her wellbeing?"

"I'll leave her to you," Church said. "Treat her like she's our daughter, got it?" He turned to Sebas. "Okay, I'll be with you when you start feeding her. Solution, head to bed. Albedo, Brain, stand by for now, okay?"

* * *

After Sebas made some soup, they went into the bedroom. The girl had woken up, and looked much better. And Church could see the resemblance to Ninya. She was staring blankly ahead, not quite acknowledging their presence. Church had ditched his armour in favour of some normal clothes.

She didn't respond to Sebas' questions about her state, but she eventually, tentatively, started eating from the bowl, the faintest flicker in her eyes showing that she was starting to come back to herself. Eventually, she had her fill, eating the porridge Sebas had made with speed. Finally, she stopped, and looked like she was about to fall asleep, only for her eyes to open wide with terror.

Church realised why: she was afraid that this was a dream, that going to sleep would negate that. Sebas, thankfully, knew what to do. He said, quietly, "You need to rest. You're not in danger here, I promise you. You'll wake up here."

Her eyes flickered over to Sebas' face for the first time, dull, nearly dead eyes. Then, they went over to Church's. "What he said," Church said quietly. "I promise you, none of those cockbites will harm you ever again if I have anything to say about it."

Eventually, she tried to speak, before she said, in a stammer that was little more than a whisper, "Th-th-thank you…"

She then clung to Sebas, crying, and then starting to curse, cursing everyone she knew in a hoarse, weak voice, even Sebas and Church for not saving her sooner. Church didn't rebuke her, and hoped Albedo couldn't hear that: she'd probably kill their guest for her supposed insolence. But eventually, she stopped, Sebas gently holding her and murmuring, "You're okay now…" as she wept into his shirt.

Once that was over, and Sebas wiped the tears from her face, Church walked over. "Hey," he said quietly, looking at her with a gentle smile. "Look, you'd better have a good rest, but soon, we're gonna get you out of here, somewhere safe, where these bastards won't fuck with you ever again. Just…answer me one thing. Is your name Tsuare?"

The girl looked up at him in shock. "…How…?" she asked in her hoarse whisper of a voice.

"I met your sister not so long ago," Church said quietly. "And she never gave up looking for you, never gave up trying to rescue you. When you're ready, we'll bring her to see you. Anyway, Tsuare? I'm Church. And this is Sebas. Sebas found you and brought you home, and he and Solution work for me. And I'm in the business of wrecking people's shit when they piss me off. And whoever did this to you has made the list…"

 **CHAPTER 11 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, the start of** ** _The Men of the Kingdom_** **arc…only, thanks to Church being a better communicator (or at least a more blunt one), the little misunderstanding about Sebas being a traitor has been bypassed. And Tsuare and Ninya FINALLY get to be reunited. Seriously, the only story where that happens, off the top of my head, is** ** _The Master of Death in Nazarick_** **by dEBB987, a Harry Potter crossover if you didn't know. There could be others, but that's the first that comes to mind.**

 **Now, why is Church a better leader than Momonga? Well, first and foremost, Church, having had to deal with idiots at Blood Gulch, is probably better at communicating when he isn't in a rage, so when he's dealing with competent people like the denizens of Nazarick, he's better at it. He's also a little more cannier at discerning what some people are like than Momonga. Church was a leader in Blood Gulch, even if only in name. He doesn't pretend to be an overlord. In a way, he leads partly by example, as well as by guidance.**

 **Secondly, Church, having dealt with his fair share of psychos in his time (O'Malley, the Meta…** ** _Sarge_** **), has learned how to get them to follow him for their reasons rather than his own. He's well aware that Albedo and the others are mostly evil, so while he makes it clear that he doesn't intend to do any evil overlord stuff, he's still going to give them ways to enjoy themselves in ways he approves. So while he's not a nice person by any means, Church is not going to let, for example, Demiurge get away with the crap he does in canon (unless it's towards people like the Eight Fingers: he has no problem with Demiurge skinning them to make magic scrolls). He's not interested, like Momonga was, in furthering his personal glory to get attention from any other Players in the world, nor is he at all interested in world conquest. Oh, he's interested in waging war against the Slane Theocracy and the Eight Fingers, but they piss him off. Otherwise, Church is going to take an '** ** _I don't start shit, but I will end it_** **' attitude.**

 **Speaking of which, he's going to go with the Blue Roses in their raid against the Black Flour production facility, possibly during the next chapter. I even have a tentative song picked out for it, courtesy of** ** _Hellsing Ultimate Abridged_** **: namely,** ** _Ready to Die_** **by Andrew WK. I might change my mind when I write the chapter in question (I have as other options** ** _Jingo Jungle_** **from** ** _Saga of Tanya the Evil_** **,** ** _The Hero!_** **from** ** _One-Punch Man_** **,** ** _Red Fraction_** **from** ** _Black Lagoon_** **, and** ** _This Will Be The Day_** **and** ** _I Burn_** **from** ** _RWBY_** **, just for the Rooster Teeth vibe), but** ** _Ready to Die_** **seems fitting when targeted against the scumbags of the drug-production facility. Church is going to be channelling some serious Alucard-style shit.**

 **Anyway, before I get onto the review-answering, let it be said for all you** ** _Red vs Blue_** **fans out there that I have found a really good fic, thanks to TV Tropes. It's a crossover with** ** _GATE_** **, and is called** ** _GATE: Thus The Blood Gulchers Kicked Ass There_** **by AkumaKami64. Also, for anyone who doesn't know, I also have two other recs: a** ** _RWBY_** **crossover called** ** _Metastability_** **by Demons Anarchy of Pride, where the Meta lives…and turns out to be a brainwashed Jaune, and a** ** _Monster Musume_** **crossover that's really funny and sweet called** ** _Caboose's Guide to Making Friends with Monster Girls_** **by Tatsurou-san.**

 **Review-answering time!** **DocSlendy** **: Yes, it is, isn't it? I like Momonga as a character, especially watching his gradual descent into darkness, but it's interesting to see other characters take his place. I chose Church because Harry Potter has been done twice as a substitute for Momonga, and partly because I wanted to do a** ** _Red vs Blue_** **fic. I may do another crossover with a similar purpose, but I need to find something that hasn't been done to death…**

 **coduss** **: Yeah, I was disappointed, but sadly, the needs of the story overrode that. Church is a pragmatist, and while he would love to give Clementine a deadly bear hug, Peter and Lukrut had already lost their lives to her. He didn't want to risk Dyne, Ninya and Nfirea getting killed or hurt. It's still a brilliant scene, and I loved emulating it for Yield to the Darkness, only with Harry doing the same thing to Bellatrix Lestrange.**

 **No numbered annotations this time.**


	13. Chapter 12: Reunion and Raid

**CHAPTER 12:**

 **REUNION AND RAID**

A couple of days later, they brought Tsuare from Re-Estize City to Nazarick. In that time, Tsuare seemed to attach herself to Sebas and Church. It took her some time to come to terms with the fact that she was going to meet her sister again. Church had contacted Dyne and Ninya, and thankfully, they were in E-Rantel, so they could come to Carne as soon as possible.

During that time, Sebas had also managed to contact Gazef, and was going to be granted an audience with, well, not the princess, but her associates: namely, the Blue Rose. Their leader was friends with Princess Renner. The princess' bodyguard Climb was also attending on his charge's behalf. Brain was staying with Sebas and Solution, with the cover being that he was now their bodyguard. In truth, Brain was being trained by Sebas when they had spare time.

Tsuare was, understandably skittish about being around other people. Even going out into Carne Village was a bit of a trial. Still, they used one of the houses left vacant after the massacre perpetrated by Nigun's underlings. He left Tsuare in the house with Yuri Alpha, before he went to meet with Dyne and Ninya. He didn't have long to wait, as they entered the village about five minutes later, Ninya looking impatient. She scurried up to him and asked, "Church…where is she?"

"In a house with Yuri. Listen, before you go in, I need to tell you a few things. Quite frankly, what those cockbites did to her was just…wrong on all kinds of levels. She was being thrown out like trash to die, and if it weren't for Sebas, she would have. She was infected by a number of different kinds of venereal diseases." On Ninya's blank look, he said, "Sexually-transmitted diseases?"

"Oh," Ninya said, grimacing.

"Yeah. Including syphilis. She had broken bones and teeth, her face looked like raw steak, and, well, I think I've gone into enough detail. Now, we healed everything physically wrong with her, got rid of the diseases and all, but…"

"I understand," Dyne said, having come up during his litany. "She's broken inside. Would you like me to stay outside, then, Church?"

"For now. Ninya, just go in gently, don't rush, okay?" Church said, before indicating the house. Ninya ran over, but halted and opened the door slowly, and entered at the same speed.

"…It's a very kind thing you did," Dyne said quietly.

"It was lucky Sebas found her when he did," Church said. "Otherwise, we wouldn't be having this reunion. We used a potent healing scroll on the poor girl to get her back to normal. Jesus, this is messed up. How's she holding up?"

"I spoke to her about what happened to Peter and Lukrut," Dyne said quietly. "She's coping better than someone of her age should have to. Maybe the hope of you finding her sister helped. Incidentally, they've executed Khajit a few days ago. Apparently that vile man wanted to become immortal so he could find a way to resurrect his mother. And he considered the people he would slay along the way a pittance, even if it meant slaughtering everyone in E-Rantel in the process. Clementine just wanted to cause chaos more than anything else. The Baleares asked after you, by the way."

"Hmm. Hope Supes is doing all right," Church mused.

"He seems fine, his brush with death notwithstanding," Dyne said. "Church…if I may ask, why do you fight?"

"Well…I can't speak for the others, really. But when something pisses me off like those guys did, I try to deal with it. The Slane Theocracy were willing to put hundreds of people to the sword to draw out Gazef, and the Eight Fingers did that to Tsuare, and God knows how many others. I'm an asshole, and normally, I don't want to get involved in other people's problems…but I'm far from home, and I think I've got a purpose in life now. I'm a very angry man by default…I just needed a target other than idiots in a stalemate in a box canyon in the arse end of the universe," Church said.

* * *

After a few minutes, Yuri came along, and asked for their presence. They entered to find the two sisters embracing, tears streaking their faces. "…Like your new name," Tsuare said quietly. "Ninya."

"I took it in your honour," Ninya said, before they looked at the new arrivals. "Ah. Tsuare, this is Dyne, my…well, guardian now. I'm not going home. Adventuring is my life now."

Tsuare flinched away from the burly druid, but eventually said, in a barely audible whisper, "…Thank you for looking after her."

"You're welcome," Dyne said quietly. "She never gave up looking for you. Do you want me to leave?" Tsuare nodded slightly, and Dyne smiled sadly. "I hope we can meet again, under better circumstances, Tsuare."

As he left, Tsuare looked at Ninya, who said, "He's nice, Tsuare. So were…Peter and Lukrut…" Ninya shook her head. "Church saved me, saved us. And he saved you."

"It was Sebas who saved her," Church said. "I brought her here because, well, if people track her to Sebas, they might kidnap her. She'll be safer in our base. I promise."

Ninya sighed. "I'll hold you to that, okay? I feel a lot better knowing that she's safe. Church…thanks. And tell Sebas…thanks from me."

"I will. Sebas has probably the biggest heart out of everyone in Ainz Ooal Gown. Just keep in mind, I'm probably going to be preoccupied with things in Re-Estize City for a few weeks, so South and I probably won't be able to help you and Dyne out for any jobs. You'll be fine?"

Ninya nodded. "There's a few groups Peter was friendly with we can tag along with. I'm surprised you have magic able to get you so far."

"It's our own magic. I might try teaching you at a later date. You'd better stay away from Re-Estize City, just in case someone spots the resemblance between you two. Anyway, do you want me to leave you two to finish up?"

The two sisters nodded, and Church left. He found Dyne outside. "You probably didn't hear me say, but I'll be busy with things in Re-Estize City for a few weeks, and I won't be able to join you guys for any missions. You cool with that?"

"Indeed. I'm surprised at how far your teleportation magic must take you. But I need to ask, why are you doing things in Re-Estize?"

"Need you ask?" Church asked, summoning a shotgun. "They wrecked Tsuare's shit." He pumped a round in the shotgun. "I'm gonna wreck theirs…"

* * *

A little under a week later, Church attended a meeting with the Blue Roses, Gazef, and Climb. He shook the hand of the chief warrior, and introduced him to Sebas and Solution. He stated that he sent them to Re-Estize City to network. Gazef and Brain had a rather cordial reunion, despite their rivalry…albeit one-sided on Brain's side.

Church noted the members of the Blue Roses, all blondes (then again, blondes were pretty common in Re-Estize). The leader, Lakyus, was apparently some noblewoman who ran away to become an adventurer. Despite this, the rather attractive girl in her late teens was a pretty noteworthy warrior priestess by training.

Then there was Gagaran. She was basically Brienne of Tarth on steroids, and if it weren't for the cut of her armour, Church would have picked her for a muscular man. As her frame suggested, she was the muscle of the group, and she had a disconcerting tendency to flirt with Climb and Brain. Tia and Tina were basically ninjas, slender twin girls who were also lethal as hell.

And finally, there was Evileye. Weird name. She was the size of a child, dressed in a red cloak and wearing a mask. She was the caster of the group. Jeez, what was with kiddy casters in this world?

Climb looked like a rather earnest young man with short blonde hair. Like Church thought, he was basically a more-intelligent Caboose (not that that was much of an achievement). Devoted as fuck to Renner, like some lost little puppy.

They listened to Sebas as he relayed what had happened. Eventually, Lakyus nodded. "Unfortunately, that's standard operating procedure for groups like these. And your rescuing one of their victims may draw their attention to you."

Gazef's eyes flickered over to Church. "And where is Tsuare?"

"Safe, at our base," Church said. "She's in no fit state to be questioned. She's psychologically traumatised. And you can't blame her."

"I understand," Gazef said, holding up his hands placatingly. "I'm concerned for her well-being."

"It's about time someone had concern," Church muttered. "But I'm wondering why you guys want me here."

"Unofficially, Princess Renner has us do covert jobs against the Eight Fingers," Lakyus said. "Have you heard of Black Flour?"

"Yeah, it's some addictive drug. Technically, it's an anaesthetic, but it's addictive and shrinks the brain," Church said. "Nasty shit."

Evileye scoffed quietly underneath her mask. "An understatement if I ever heard one. There are a number of villages nearby that act as production facilities for it."

"Let me guess…you're gonna wreck their shit?" Church asked, folding his arms.

Gagaran laughed. "I like the way you think."

Lakyus nodded. "Yes. We heard of your prowess from Captain Stronoff. While technically you and the warrior called South are ranked Silver, prevailing against the Sunlit Scripture, not to mention Clementine and Khajit, suggest a higher ranking. We are one of the few Adamantite-ranked groups known. And as Lady Solution and Sebas suggested that you have a vendetta against the Eight Fingers…"

"You want me to come with? Sure. Though you've got to understand, I'm pretty loud and destructive. My weapons aren't exactly suited for going all Solid Snake on people's asses."

Gagaran chuckled, and Church got the feeling that Evileye was looking askance at him. "That came out wrong," Church muttered. "Where I come from, Solid Snake was the codename of a guy who was very good at sneaky shit."

"That's fine," Lakyus said. "We were hoping you could bring Ainz Ooal Gown in to destroy at least one of the production facilities, as well as bring us any paperwork you can find, any intel that could help us bring down the Eight Fingers. Whether you do it quietly or not is irrelevant, as long as you do it deniably."

Church grinned viciously. "Lakyus, you've just made my good list."

"The Princess will be sure to reward your efforts on the kingdom's behalf, Sir Church," Climb said.

"Let's just put it this way: as much as I'd appreciate a reward…I'd do this shit _pro bono_ ," Church said…

* * *

In the moonlight, Church grinned viciously once more, like he imagined O'Malley would do if he had a face. He had discussed with the Blue Roses whether he should do it incognito, but he eventually decided that taking the heat was better. Ainz Ooal Gown, after all, had a small army. It would mean bringing more attention from the Eight Fingers and their enforcers, the Six Arms, but Church didn't care.

So, after some consideration, Church decided to go in full UNSC armour, as did Albedo. CZ 'Shizu' Delta was also present, and both were under orders to spare any villagers who didn't fight back, as well as any cockbites who surrendered (the latter would be interrogated). Also, he found that, for some reason, his armour still had his music player, and he had just the right music for this to play over the external speakers. Which was what he was doing now as he approached the gate.

The music started whimsically enough, before it abruptly changed into rock. And Church had chosen the music specifically. He wanted these people-killing fucktards to know what fear was…

 _This is your time to pay,_

 _This is your judgement day,_

 _We made a sacrifice,_

 _And now we get to take your life…_

 _We shoot without a gun,_

 _We'll take on anyone_

 _It's really nothing new,_

 _It's just a thing we like to do…_

He pulled out a rocket launcher and fired it at the gate. And how was that? It exploded the gate just as the chorus began…

 _YOU'D BETTER GET READY TO DIE! (Get ready to die!)_

 _YOU'D BETTER GET READY TO KILL! (Get ready to kill!)_

 _YOU'D BETTER GET READY TO RUN, 'CAUSE HERE WE COOOOME!_

 _YOU'D BETTER GET READY TO DIE! (Die!)_

He dashed in, and judging by the sounds of screaming in the distance, Albedo and Shizu were beginning their assault. Church was feeling like doing some John Woo-style shit, so he drew two massive handguns, and dropped some idiots who were dashing at him with swords in their hands. "Come on, cockbites! I've got your lifetime nutritional supply of lead right here!" he roared at a small group of bastards wielding swords, crossbows and pikes.

They obliged him by running at him. As he shot them, he yelled, "Yeah! Fuck you, Dante! Fuck you, Alucard! Fuck you, Deadpool! This immortal shooter can dual-wield better than all of you!"

However, even after a while, using pistols paled, and he exchanged them for his shotgun. He pumped a round in. _Hmm, loud, stupid, and ineffective at long range…but if you point him in the right direction, he can totally wreck people's shit. I'm gonna call you Caboose_.

 _Nah, scratch that. If I think of pumping Caboose…yeah, that mental image ain't going away any time soon_ …Church thought with a grimace.

 _Your life is over now,_

 _Your life is running out,_

 _When your time is at an end_

 _Then it's time to kill again…_

 _We cut without a knife,_

 _We live in black and white,_

 _You're just a parasite,_

 _Now close your eyes and say goodnight!_

He began firing as more of them charged him. Soon, there was one left, pointing a crossbow at him. Church grinned, before he possessed him with the usual ' _wki-ki-hrgr!_ ', and then exploded him. And wouldn't you know it? He had the knowledge about where to find some papers that might be of use.

Then, some more charged out of the shadows…no, they were being chased by a laughing Albedo, wielding her bardiche. "COME BACK AND FIGHT, YOU COWARDS!" she jeered. And they soon found themselves sandwiched between Church and Albedo.

 _YOU'D BETTER GET READY TO DIE! (Get ready to die!)_

 _YOU'D BETTER GET READY TO KILL! (Get ready to kill!)_

 _YOU'D BETTER GET READY TO RUN, 'CAUSE HERE WE COOOOME!_

 _YOU'D BETTER GET READY TO DIE! (Die!)_

On an unspoken signal, Church and Albedo launched themselves into the fray, Church swapping out the shotgun for the Brute Shot. Some cockbite managed to jar his armour, though, and when he heard the music player change to a different track, he said, "Hey, Albedo…let's do this unarmed. It'll be cool, trust me."

He could hear her grin behind her helmet. "Very well. Besides, we can give these fools a handicap."

"That was a mistake," sneered one of the men, who lunged with his sword at Albedo, who grabbed the sword with one gauntlet as the music started up. She then bent it, a broadsword, like it was cardboard.

"No, that was," Albedo said, before she punched the man through the torso, piercing armour and all with her gauntleted fist alone.

And as if on cue, the lyrics started as the fight began…

 _3, 2, 1, Kill Shot!_

 _Believe in me_

 _For victory!_

 _What're you saying?!_

 _Frustration!_

 _Nobody's stopping me!_

 _One punch!_

 _It's done!_

 _And now we've won!_

 _Screaming and shout_

 _Singin' it loud!_

 _Yeaaaah!_

Church knew that their disarming had made many of them overconfident, and they seemed to regain what passed for courage, even if Albedo's display shook that. Still, this was a massacre.

 _Power! Get more power!_

 _Right up to the limit I know I'll break!_

 _HERO! Don't do it for the glory or the fame!_

 _I'll fight on knowing no-one knows my name!_

 _HERO! I'm fighting in secret_

 _'Cause in my head it's all the same!_

 _NOBODY KNOWS WHO HE IS!_

An explosion lit up the ground a little distance away as Shizu destroyed the drug crops with her energy weapons, disintegrating the crops utterly. Church had lent the Blue Roses some bombs that would destroy these crops without the smoke going anywhere. Some of those fighting them surrendered afterwards, but others fought on, hoping that if they got a hit in, they'd win.

 _My foes are closing in and covering the sky,_

 _I won't blink so that I can watch them die!_

 _HERO! I'm ready! Unleash my fist and watch my enemies fly!_

 _The loneliest hero!_

 _The loneliest hero!_

* * *

Church had just finished squirreling the papers he had learned the presence of from their hiding place when Albedo said, "Church…one of the Blue Roses just appeared. The one called Evileye."

Church nodded, before he walked out of the decrepit shack serving as a headquarters. The masked adventurer was standing there at the ready, waiting impatiently. "Bit of good news," Church said. "Here."

He handed the papers over, and Evileye looked them over, before nodding and putting them away. "Much appreciated. We managed to find some similar papers in our raid. And your comrade there did a good job destroying the fields."

"Your gratitude is noted," Shizu said in her monotone voice.

"And those bombs we gave you?" Church asked.

"I don't know what they're made of, but they're good for doing a lot of damage to a small area," Evileye said. "Perfect for dealing with making something go away without harming others. As I said, much appreciated. You lack subtlety, but you did well. You're definitely close to Adamantite level."

Church felt Albedo tense at Evileye's backhanded compliment, and hastily said, "Hey, I just like tearing through these fucks. I leave subtlety to those who enjoy it or are good at it. Besides, subtlety doesn't work on Caboose."

Evileye cocked her head. "What's a Caboose?"

" _Annoying_ ," Church, Shizu and Albedo chorused simultaneously.

 **CHAPTER 12 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, that just happened. Now, the lyrics are to** ** _Ready to Die_** **by Andrew WK, and** ** _The Hero!_** **by JAM Project, using NateWantsToBattle's lyrics. Obviously, I don't own them.**

 **Unlike Momonga, Evileye isn't going to have the crush on Church, though she'll grow to see him as a friend and comrade. I wanna give her a hug, though. A hero erased from the annals of history, known only as an infamous vampire further back than the Thirteen Heroes, and she's forever got a twelve year old's body. Poor Evileye.**

 **Incidentally, the next chapter, which has the first foray against the Six Arms, will have Succulent. While I've generally gone with the Yen Press translations for the names, this is one of the times I'll be deviating from that, by using Succulent rather than Succuronte.**

 **No numbered annotations this time.**


	14. Chapter 13: An Enthusiastic Walk Through

**CHAPTER 13:**

 **AN ENTHUSIASTIC WALK THROUGH A BROTHEL(** **1)**

It was the next day, and Sebas had warned Church via Message that someone had come to the manor trying to extort money. A Patrol Chief by the name of Staffan Heivish and a rather shady type known as Succulent were the ones present. Which was interesting indeed. Succulent was the name of a man rumoured to be part of the Six Arms, the elite enforcers of the Eight Fingers. Sebas had managed to drive them off by hinting at his connections to Renner and Stronoff, but they had parting threats.

Church let it be for now, until Sebas sent another Message later in the day, saying he and Brain had nearly been attacked by assassins, along with Climb, who happened to be passing by at the time. Sebas, as it turned out, had an ability known as the Puppet Palm that allowed him to force someone to divulge their secrets. Less dramatic than Church going all Paxton Fettel on some schmuck's ass, but hey.

The shadow demons that had accompanied Sebas and Solution to Re-Estize City were busy gathering intelligence on the Eight Fingers, and bringing the reports back to Demiurge. But this was also a lead they shouldn't ignore if it meant capturing one of the Six Arms.

So Church, accompanied by Narberal, used a Gate to get to Sebas' location, in front of a seedy-looking place, one Sebas claimed was where Tsuare was thrown out of. Brain nodded to Narberal respectfully, though the respectful gesture wasn't returned by the cold Doppelganger. "Okay, Sebas, sitrep."

Sebas nodded. He had learned enough military terminology from Church to understand what he meant. "We had decided to divide our forces. I was going to go in through the front and cause a bit of a stir, while Brain and Climb were going to take the rear. Do you have any objections?"

"Nope. Only modifications is that I come with you, and South goes with the other two. South, keep these two alive and well. And if you encounter any higher-ups, then capture them alive and able to talk. That includes that dirty cop who tried to blackmail Sebas."

"Understood, sir," Narberal said. She looked at the others. "You two, with me."

As the trio left, Church looked at the door. "Solid iron," he muttered. "I could use the shotgun and blow the lock out like it's Avon Calling(2). Or, I could let you punch your way through it. What do you reckon, Sebas?"

"Better to make a little less noise than guns make. If I may, I would like to open this place." Sebas tested the handle, though, just in case it was unlocked. As it was locked, he clucked in annoyance, before slamming his hand right through the hinge, and tearing the door off the wall.

As the receptionist standing part in a hallway stared in shock, Church grinned. He wasn't wearing his helmet this time, but he said, "Hey, mate. We were just in the neighbourhood, and wondered if you could spare some time to discuss religion. Namely, Old Testament-style wrath of God!" He summoned the alien energy sword.

The shriek that came from the man sounded more like it came from a little girl. Church would have pitied him more, but he probably didn't give a shit about the suffering of the prostitutes here, especially if they were kidnapped from their homes like Tsuare. And Church was fresh out of fucks to give.

Sebas approached him, and smiled in a way that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Please move," he said, before flinging the man into the wall so hard, he _splattered_.

"Yeesh, Sebas," Church grimaced as the building shuddered slightly. "Did you just make a Jackson Pollock or a Pro Hart?"

He followed the butler down the hall and into a room, where the two occupants froze upon seeing them enter. "Hey guys, I've come to discuss health insurance. So, how's your health plan?" One of the men threw a knife at him with a scream, only for Sebas to grab it. "Well, APPARENTLY IT'S GREAT(3)!" Church yelled, before dashing forward and slicing off the man's arm.

As the man howled, Sebas approached the other man. "Excuse me, but I have some business down below. Would you kindly tell me how to get there? And please hurry. There are two of you here to interrogate."

"Trapdoor!" the man yelped, pointing to the corner. "Please don't kill me!"

"Yeah, no. That was never on the cards when we found Tsuare," Church said.

"Who?!"

"One of those girls you allow the cockbites you call clients to fuck," Church said. "I'd be okay with it if they were doing it voluntarily, but…I have issues with slavery."

"Th-th-this is all because of some stupid little whore?"

"Ooh, you pressed the 'whore' button, buddy," Church said, before Sebas kicked the man's head clean off.

"You shouldn't have done that(4)," Sebas said, before killing the other man.

* * *

"So, how does it feel going for an enthusiastic walk through a brothel?" Church asked after they dealt with some of the other employees. Most were killed, or left crippled and unconscious.

"Very bracing, and cathartic," Sebas mused, as they walked down the corridor. But they heard the sound of blows, of flesh against flesh, and not of sex, but of someone beating another. They went to the door, and Sebas opened it, in time for them to see some fat slob matching the description Sebas gave of Staffan about to put his dick into a girl. A girl who was very badly beaten, like Tsuare.

As he looked up, startled, Church grimaced. "Yeesh, it's bad enough you can't get off without beating up women, but seriously? Even a fly would think that's small. This whole thing is all kinds of nope. Sebas…while we need him alive enough to interrogate and to present to Renner, do what you want to him."

As the fat bastard tried to go for his clothes, Sebas blurred forward, and grabbed him, before beginning to bitchslap him. Church, meanwhile, went over to the girl. A death rattle emerged from her lips, and Church snarled. He was tempted to rescind his order to Sebas, but fought down the urge. Thankfully, Narberal's Message came at the right time to distract him.

 _Lord Church, we've been intercepted by a man called Succulent, as well as another man by the name of Coccodor. The two seem to know each other well, with Coccodor being the one in charge. Your orders?_

 _Unchanged. Capture the fucks. You don't need to be gentle about it, but make sure they're alive and capable of answering questions afterwards._

 _Understood, Lord Church_.

Church then stormed over to Staffan, who had received a brief reprieve from his bitchslapping, and glared at him. "She's dead," he said quietly.

"Tho?" Staffan said, his own face swollen, and unable to speak clearly. "Yeh won' geh 'way wi' dith!"

"Okay, look, cockbite, as stupid as they are, neither Tucker or Caboose would do this to a woman. Oh, they'd beat the crap out of her if she was trying to kill them…unless the woman was Tex, but that woman, you just killed for no good reason. You're meant to be a fucking cop, and yet, you committed rape and murder of defenceless women. For what reason, because you can't get it up unless she's half-dead and looks like burger meat?!"

"He doesn't understand," Sebas said, all but sneering with contempt. And Church realised that this was the first time he had seen Sebas in such a way. "You don't understand what you did wrong." On the confused look from Staffan, Sebas sighed. "This is what an unworthy life looks like. If it weren't for my orders, I would leave you to die as this woman died, bleeding inside, in agony."

 _Note to self, never piss off Sebas_ , Church thought, before he looked back at the naked girl. He gently covered her body and face with the sheet. _I'm sorry I couldn't save you from these fucks like Tsuare. I'll make these bastards pay_ …

* * *

They threw an unconscious Staffan into a Gate, leading him into a cell within Nazarick, with orders to only be guarded by Yuri and Shizu. They then finished up, grabbing as many documents as they could, before leaving the brothel, rendezvousing with Narberal, Climb and Brain. Climb insisted on bringing them to Princess Renner, so eventually, Church acceded. Climb would go to the palace first, and then bring word for them at the manor.

They waited for word from the princess at the manor, with Narberal discussing their little expedition with Solution. But then, they got a most unexpected surprise. Climb came along with the Princess herself!

Church had to admit, she was beautiful, being on a par with the Nazarick NPCs (and they were designed to be beautiful). Lustrous blonde hair, large blue eyes, a serene smile on her face…and yet, something about her was also setting off his instincts. Like her expression was a mask.

Gazef had also come along, partly out of concern for the safety for the princess and partly because he was curious to hear about the days' events himself. So, between Church, Sebas, Climb, Brain and Narberal, they related what happened. After they were finished, Renner asked, "And where are these criminals that you captured?" she asked.

"We have teleportation magic that allowed us to put them into a safe place," Church said, before he summoned up a Gate, Sebas going through, and then bringing out the still unconscious (and bound) Staffan, Succulent, and Coccodor. The lips of Renner and Gazef thinned.

"I suspected that this fop was part of it for some time," Renner muttered, looking down at Coccodor, an elegant, but vaguely predatory-looking man. "There was even the possibility that he was in charge of the Eight Fingers' slave trading section, but I couldn't bring anything to bear on him." Her eyes went over to Succulent. "Succulent, the Illusion Maniac of the Six Arms. I must admit, I'm surprised he was captured so easily. The Six Arms are considered to be on a par with Adamantite-ranked adventurers."

"I would have thought so too, my lady," Gazef said, "But I have witnessed Church, when he was using the name of Meta, in battle alongside the warrior he named as Tex. They worked well against the Sunlit Scripture and their summoned angels. Church and South are still ranked Silver as they are yet to accomplish enough feats, though killing Clementine, formerly of the Black Scripture, and capturing Khajit Badantel of Zuranon count highly in their favour."

"I am sure, but many nobles, both of those working against my father and those for, are nervous about having a substantial mercenary group in our lands, especially one comprised partly of non-humans, if reports from Carne are any indication," Renner said. "A few, I am sure, plot to retain the services of Ainz Ooal Gown in secret to overthrow him."

Church, noting that Solution and Narberal seemed about to snap at her for claiming such a thing, interjected hurriedly. "Listen, I ain't interested in overthrowing your daddy dearest. I'm more interested in royally sodomising those team-killing fucktards in the Slane Theocracy, not to mention dealing with these guys in the Eight Fingers."

"I believe you," Renner said. It was a simple statement of fact. "That being said, your quixotic actions, while they have doubtlessly helped our cause substantially, may also provoke a strong response. They will target you and your associates."

"Then it was nice knowing them. Solution may act like a spoiled brat, but she's one of my deadliest people," Church said flatly. "And Sebas is her superior in every way. You see what happened to Staffan? That was from Sebas bitchslapping him _very lightly_. Staffan didn't like being on the receiving end for a change. Incidentally, speaking of which, we found some paperwork. At the very least, it'll be enough to tie Staffan and Coccodor to this."

He handed the papers over, and Renner and Gazef peered at them. Renner nodded. "As we suspected. It seems that Hilma is involved."

"Hilma?" Brain asked.

"A former high class prostitute," Gazef said. "She's rumoured to be a high-ranking member of the Eight Fingers, even as high up as their Executive Council."

"Thanks to my own investigations through the Blue Roses, I had reason to believe that she headed up the drug trade section. I certainly have, thanks to the Blue Roses, locations of many of them," Renner said.

Church nodded. He got some of the information by possessing some of those involved. And he realised something. Renner was smart. Scarily so, for a princess in a country that probably wanted female royals to be baby factories. In fact, he was beginning to get vibes that she was like O'Malley…no, like _Sigma_.

"Very well. We'll take these three into custody," Renner said. "Even if we can't secure their punishment for their actions, the Eight Fingers will definitely react, especially as you've captured one of the Six Arms."

"If I may be so bold, Princess Renner," Sebas said. "Climb witnessed my ability to force a man to spill their secrets without the use of torture. I could use it for you here and now."

Renner looked to her bodyguard, who nodded eagerly. "He called it the Puppet Palm. The assassin spilled his secrets to us."

"It requires close contact and the use of chi," Sebas explained. "Would you like me to use it on these men, Princess?"

After a moment, Renner nodded. "As long as Captain Gazef or myself ask the questions. I would not consider it normally, lest you planted some misleading answers into their minds."

"I influence their chi so that they obey orders, Princess, rather than invading their minds more directly, but I understand your concern."

"Then let us begin…"

* * *

The interrogation went on for some time. Renner listened attentively to Succulent, Cuccodor, and Staffan's confessions, before they were knocked out again. Through them, they gained a lot of information, including confirming the identities of the Six Arms thanks to Succulent and the Executive Council of the Eight Fingers thanks to Cuccodor.

"This is going to be a problem," Gazef said. "So many people in high places either within the Eight Fingers itself, or in their pocket."

"They have also been engaged in enslaving people, despite my edicts to the contrary," Renner said. "I believe it is because they believe me to be a fool of a girl, amongst other things. The way that Patrol Chief spoke of me…" She actually shuddered a little, more in disgust than fear. "The edict was very clear. By defying it, they defy the rule of the law." Her eyes then met Church's. "Captain Church…I have an offer for you, on behalf of my father King Ramposa III. In light of your work so far…I would like to retain your services to wipe out the Eight Fingers, for once and for all…"

 **CHAPTER 13 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, there you have it. Sebas and Church have gone for an enthusiastic walk, Alucard-style, and have received an interesting offer from Renner. Yeesh.**

 **Now, is it me, or is Renner a bit like Servalan from** ** _Blake's 7?_** **Well, I dunno how many of you have even heard of** ** _Blake's 7_** **, let alone watched it. Those of you who have, well, am I right at all? She's basically a teenaged Servalan, complete with a loyal boy toy, though Climb's nothing like Travis or Avon…who can't be called loyal by any means.**

 **1\. This is, of course, a reference to the running gag from** ** _Hellsing Ultimate Abridged_** **about Alucard going on a walk…usually ending with a lot of corpses in his wake.**

 **2\. 'Avon Calling' is the facetious nickname given by law enforcement to breaching rounds used in shotguns in order to blast open door locks.**

 **3\. Another reference to** ** _Hellsing Ultimate Abridged_** **, specifically Episode 3.**

 **4\. Another Abridged Series reference courtesy of Team Four Star: namely a reference to Vegeta's 'Goku button' in** ** _Dragonball Z Abridged_** **.**


	15. Chapter 14: Breaking the Six Arms

**CHAPTER 14:**

 **BREAKING THE SIX ARMS**

That night, Church looked across at the gathered NPCs of Nazarick. The only ones absent of the Floor Guardians and the Pleiades, aside from Solution and Sebas, were Gargantua and Victim. God, he felt more than a little like Patton, about to send people off to war. And indeed, that was what they were about to do. They were going to war against the Eight Fingers later tonight.

Solution had agreed to act as bait for the Eight Fingers, and pretend to be the damsel in distress until the time was right if they did kidnap her. They were going to have Sebas leave the house frequently over the next little while. And they had nutted out part of the plan with Renner, who had assured the cooperation of the Blue Roses.

Demiurge had suggested a few alterations to the plan, something about faking a demon invasion or something, but Church nixed that. However, they decided to bring in a variation of that plan. Demiurge, through the shadow demons he commanded, was going to plant evidence that a couple of the higher-ups in the Eight Fingers had sold their souls, and those of their underlings, to demons. Demons who had now come to collect. The demons would then vanish, taking the Eight Fingers with them.

Now, Church wasn't happy about this bit of misdirection, but it would help smooth over things with the people of Re-Estize, in case they got nervous about Ainz Ooal Gown being used to, admittedly, wipe out a small but significant portion of the nobility who were involved with the Eight Fingers (though admittedly, it would be the nobility getting nervous more than anything). In any case, they were only going to do that to wipe out the leadership of the Eight Fingers and dismantling the organisation, mostly outside the city. For most of what they were going to do in Re-Estize City, they were going to publicly use the members of Ainz Ooal Gown.

Albedo would be going in UNSC armour, but the others would be fighting as is. Aura and Mare, Cocytus, the Pleiades…hell, even Shalltear, as long as she only used her Pipette Lance so that she would avoid being overcome by her Blood Frenzy. It was going to be a public statement against the Slane Theocracy for their xenophobic rhetoric, and against the Baharuth Empire, for their attempts to wear down Re-Estize. A risky venture, but one that could have great rewards. Demiurge's deception aside, they were going to show what Ainz Ooal Gown could do.

"Okay, well, I ain't so good on speeches and shit, so sorry if I don't sound like an inspiring leader, just some rambling idiot. Like Caboose. Sarge'd probably love this shit. Anyway, we're about to go to war. We're going to war against the Eight Fingers very soon. Now, some of you guys, hell, a lot of you, are wondering, why should we bother helping the people of Re-Estize? They're only humans, right? Who cares what they do? Well, I call bullshit. They're people, just like you and me. They can think and laugh and love. Now, I ain't the nicest guy around. Hell, I'm an asshole. But there's things I won't put up with. Many of you have met Tsuare. They tore her away from her sister. The Eight Fingers used her and threw her away like garbage. But in truth, they're the garbage. And we're going to clean up. Remember, we're not here to conquer this world, just ensure our place in it. And if that means helping Re-Estize, then we do it. We will make the streets of that city run red with their fucking blood, and slippery with their entrails!"

The roar that accompanied his pronouncement was deafening. Then, he got a Message from Sebas. _Sebas? What's the matter?_

 _Lord Church, the Six Arms have made their move. Solution was abducted while I was out. They have left a message detailing a time and a place. I presume they want a showdown. They have…ahem,_ _ **demanded**_ _your presence._

 _Well…who am I to disappoint these cockbites?_ Church grinned. _Let's see…let's make it interesting. Given what we managed to get from Succulent's noggin, we know the names and abilities of the other five members of the Six Arms. You and I, along with three others, will go. I'll bring Yuri, Lupusregina, and Shizu. Entoma can stay here_.

Out loud, he said, "The Six Arms have taken the bait. Yuri, Lupusregina, and Shizu, with me. Everyone else, stick to the plans. And Demiurge…no civilians, got it? I don't care about some murderer or rapist being dealt with, or those profiting from that willingly, but civilians are another matter, got it?"

Demiurge bowed. "Understood, Lord Church."

"As long as you do, fine." The three members of the Pleiades he had asked for came over to him, and he shot Albedo a smile. "Don't wait up…"

* * *

Using a Gate spell had them brought to Sebas' location, which was en route to where the Six Arms were holding Solution. They walked the rest of the way, and found themselves at a gate. A minion was waiting, and, after a brief scowl at the extras present, eventually decided to open the gate, deciding that the three women in maid outfits were not threats.

Along the way, he activated the Message spell. _Solution, are you fine?_

 _Of course. They aren't harming me, for now. They've threatened to do all sorts of unspeakable things to me, but I think they will be eating their words at the same time I will be eating them_.

Church couldn't help but chuckle softly. _We're nearly there. Wait a couple of minutes, then break free and eat any of these fuckers who don't surrender. Dissolve any weapons you can, too._

 _Oh, stop, Lord Church, you're spoiling me! I'll have to go on a diet if I have too many. I'll keep some of them fresh for Entoma. I know she prefers the more muscly ones. That Zero man looked like Entoma's dream food. Would you mind if I kept him for her?_

Church shrugged, mildly disturbed at how readily he agreed to cannibalism in his subordinates. Then again, as long as they were pricks, he didn't care. _Sure. Entoma's not with us. I've brought Yuri, Lupusregina and Shizu. And Sebas, of course_.

They were led through a garden to an arena of sorts, where a quartet of people waited, while others watched on from above. "We only wanted the old man and the guy they call Church," sneered one of the Six Arms present. Given the full armour, this had to be Peshurian of the Spatial Slash. "Then again, what's with the maids?"

"They're here to take out the trash and clean up," Church said. "What the hell do you think maids are there for?"

"…You brought maids…and a butler…to a serious fight?" the sole woman, who looked like a belly dancer, asked in a flat, sceptical tone. Must be Erdström of the Dancing Scimitars.

"Yeah. By the way, there's supposed to be five of you cockbites left, but I'm counting four. Where's Zero?" That was the leader, according to Succulent.

"He's up there," the dandy-like Marmvist of the Thousand Kills said, indicating the balcony. "He doesn't need to worry himself with the likes of you rabble."

Church looked at him flatly. " _Wow_. No, really, _wow_. I mean, I have my moments of arrogance, but you've turned it into a fucking artform. We just annihilated your brothel, captured one of you and that fat prick who can dish it out but can't take it back…and you call us rabble. Newsflash, it'd be easy to kill you fuckers, but it'd be harder to capture you guys alive. Anyway, Princess Renner has basically given us carte blanche to wipe the Eight Fingers from the face of this world. That includes the Six Arms."

"Wipe us out? There's only five of you here," rasped a rather grotty-looking revenant who had to be Davernoch the Undead King. "And you have the temerity to lecture us about arrogance?"

"Buddy, it wouldn't be arrogant to say that just **_one_** of us would be sufficient to kick your rotting ass from here to the Slane Theocracy. Speaking of those cockbites, didn't you hear about what happened to the Sunlight Scripture? You know, near Carne Village? If you don't, then newsflash: I wiped them out. And Gazef Stronoff witnessed it. Now, you can either bend over, pucker up, and get ready for the inevitable…" Church frowned for a moment, wondering whether he could hear Donut making some innuendo back home. "…Or, you could resist. Now, the Pleiades, they want you to resist. Frankly, so do I, given what you did to Tsuare. But if you don't resist, I might make your deaths painless…or hell, I might be generous and let you be shipped off to prison, at Princess Renner's pleasure."

Jeering laughter met his ears, and Church sighed. He knew this was going to go down bloody and violent. Frankly, he wanted it to be this way. After Tsuare, and what he saw in that brothel, he wanted them to pay. He could feel O'Malley cackling away within him. And then, he heard a voice he hadn't heard for a while.

 _Make those cockbites pay, Leonard_.

…Tex?

"You wouldn't last five seconds against us!" Peshurian snapped.

"Buddy, if Sebas was being serious, he'd end you all within _ten_ seconds. But…frankly, you pissed me off. You pissed us _all_ off. You'll be lucky if you die within ten _minutes_."

A bit of an exaggeration, for the purposes of psychological warfare, but they heard a deep voice snap from the balcony, "Enough talk! Deal with them!"

"Ladies, Sebas…all yours," Church said.

They nodded, and went to work. Their orders were simple. Make it slow. Make it painful. Make them suffer like all their other victims suffered. Like Tsuare, like that girl in the brothel who Staffan had murdered. Of those gathered, only Lupusregina was an outright sadist, but Yuri and Sebas' senses of justice had been offended by this, and they were more than willing to mete out slow demises to those responsible.

Church decided to let them take the lead. Sebas was working over Davernoch. Shizu was taking on Peshurian. Yuri was currently attacking Erdstrom. And Lupusregina grinned as she took on Marmvist, alternating between beating the shit out of him, and healing him. Church, meanwhile, just crossed his arms, and peered up at the balcony, noticing a hulking figure peering over at the Six Arms getting beaten. "Impossible…" the figure growled.

"Zero, was it?" Church called up. "Yeah, you wanna help out your comrades in cockbitery? Or do I have to call you chicken and make 'bwark-bwark' noises? I mean, with a name like 'Zero', is that to do with how big your power really is? 'Cause you've got nothin'?"

With a roar of fury, the hulking figure began muttering to himself, outlines of tattoos briefly glowing on his body. He then leapt down, revealing the bald, muscled form of what had to be Zero, who charged forward, too fast, and thrust a fist at Church. Normally, this would have unleashed a force so powerful, Church's internal organs would have been pulped.

But this was not normal.

As Zero stared at the lack of a hole in Church's abdomen, Church said, quietly, "Yeah, you've got nothin'." Then, his hand lashed out and grabbed Zero's fist, crushing it slowly, painfully.

Zero roared in pain, before looking up at Church in something not unlike awe and fear, mixed in with rage and anger. "What are you?"

Church merely glared down at him in righteous fury from behind his visor. "I am Leonard L Church. I am the leader of Ainz Ooal Gown. _And you pissed me off_. Because of people like you, girls like Tsuare are raped and murdered. They die by fucking degrees. Well, guess what, cockbite? You're dying by degrees too." Zero tried to punch him with his free hand, but to no avail. "So, here's what you can do. You can cower, piss yourself, pray to your impotent god, whatever floats your boat."

Screams sound from the balcony, only to be silenced. Though silence itself did not reign from the balcony. The laughter of Solution Epsilon filled the air. "Oh, we have a rather well-stocked larder now!" she called out from above. "Entoma's sure to be pleased! I know I am!"

"I can't believe this!" Zero roared. "This was all because of some stupid little whore?!"

Church scowled, before gripping Zero's hand even harder. Zero ripped his arm away, the mangled hand being ripped off, and the man tried to kick Church, only for Church to grab the foot, and crushing that, before breaking the man's leg with a sudden jerk sideways. As the man toppled, Church summoned a shotgun and blew away the man's other foot. Zero howled in agony, only for Church to straddle his chest, his hand at his throat.

"It's one thing to have sex with a woman who's willing, even if pay's involved," Church growled. "It's another matter entirely to do it without their consent. Tsuare didn't have a choice, and she was thrown out like trash to die. Her sister was looking for her, she cared about her, but you didn't care that she had family that loved her."

"So? That's the way of the world, you freak! Do you think you can take us all on?!" Zero snarled, more out of bravado than anything else.

"I don't think. I _know_." Church then gripped the man's skull between his hands, and began applying pressure gradually. "The Eight Fingers are doomed. And so are you. Zero by name…and Zero by nature. Return to zero, cockbite."

The man thrashed beneath him, trying to punch him, before finally, as his head began to be crushed, he just began to spasm, blood and other fluids oozing from his nose, ears and eyesockets. Then, finally, the man's abused head burst. Church grimaced as he flicked bone, blood and brain matter off his gauntlets, as the muscled body of Zero twitched its last beneath him…though he got off in a hurry when he smelt what had to be voided bladder AND bowels.

He looked up. Solution had hopped down, the blonde Shoggoth maid looking very happy. She patted her stomach, her soft belch sending her breasts quivering slightly. "Sorry, mine disagreed with something that ate him(1). Do you mind if Entoma has that one? She likes muscled men."

"Yeah. Might need to clean him off first," Church said, standing up. He looked around. Sebas and Yuri had demolished their opponents, as had Shizu. Lupusregina, however, was still playing with Marmvist, taunting him about being unable to stick his pointy thing into her. "For God's sake, Lupusregina, do you need to play with your food so much?" he asked, in exasperation. He didn't really feel sorry for the cockbite, given the organisation he was working for, but even so…

Lupusregina pouted, turning to Church. "Aww, but it's so fun playing with him, _su_ …" As Marmvist, in desperation, his usual sword destroyed, tried to attack the red-haired and tanned werewolf from behind with his bare hands, she just backhanded him without looking at him, sending him crashing into a wall, cratering it. "See? He's so cute, he thinks he can hurt me. Can I keep him, _su?_ "

"I'm not Sue, remember? I'm Church," Church harrumphed. "And he's not a damned pet."

"Monsters…" Marmvist rasped out, staring at them with eyes that were part-shut from concussion and pain, and yet seemed to still convey a certain fear and horror, as if they were opened as wide as they could go.

"Hello Pot, my name is Kettle," Church snarked. "You're black(2). So, Lupusregina, want to do the coup de grace?"

The werewolf grinned, before picking up a shard from Marmvist's sword, and smirked. "Ooh, some nasty enchantments on this, _su_. Flesh Grinding and Assassination Master. It damages the wound far more than it would. Plus…" Lupusregina sniffed, and smirked. "Ooh, a heady bouquet of poisons. Hey, Solution, sniff that."

Solution touched the shard, and smiled. "My, oh my, how delightfully nasty. So, what are you going to do with him?"

"Give him a taste of his own medicine, of course," Lupusregina said, before she rammed the shard into Marmvist's abdomen.

He screamed in pain, convulsing and spasming, as the enchantments on the shard did their work, as did the poisons. Lupusregina then went to work, healing the man as he died from his own poisons, prolonging his agony. Disturbing though it was, Church couldn't find it in himself to give a fuck anymore.

Then, before he died, Marmvist rasped out, "Why…does it taste…like a red bull?" Then, he vomited up a copious amount of foamy blood, choked, and died.

"Because, cockbite, oblivion tastes like Red Bull," Church said, channelling O'Malley as he did so.

 **CHAPTER 14 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Yeah, Church has brought the pain to the Six Arms! And frankly, it couldn't have happened to a nicer bunch of guys. The next chapter, when I get around to writing it, will deal with the aftermath of Ainz Ooal Gown's assault on the Eight Fingers.**

 **Incidentally, for those amongst you still hankering for some action, this chapter will be posted alongside my Potterverse crossover with** ** _Overlord_** **,** ** _Yield to the Darkness_** **. In addition, I had started another** ** _Overlord_** **crossover with** ** _Code Geass_** **called** ** _Plenipotent Player Prince_** **, where Momonga and the Floor Guardians are reincarnated as characters in the** ** _Code Geass_** **universe.**

 **In addition, I recently started a Potterverse/** ** _Red vs Blue_** **crossover called** ** _Freelancer, Medic, Mage_** **, where Harry is the stepbrother and later lover of everyone's favourite redhead with anger management issues, Carolina.**

 **Now, before I get onto the reviews, I'm wondering whether I should halt the fic here, or continue until at least the events of Volume 9. I've read Volume 7, and for any of those worried about the fates of Foresight…well, at the very least, I'm sparing Arche and Imina, hopefully with Roberdyck. And Arche's sisters will be saved too. Not so sure about Hekkeran, though.**

 **Review-answering time!** **jgkitarel** **: To be fair, not everyone knows she is a monster. True, some of them know something's off about her, but to my knowledge, only her brother Zanac and Marquis Raeven truly know what sort of monster she is.**

 **kennysdead** **: Yeah, going through 15 (with a 16** **th** **being released on Rooster Teeth as of writing) seasons is a bit of a backlog. I haven't watched beyond Season 13 yet, actually.**

 **Leaf Ranger** **: I know I answered your review in correspondence, but you're very welcome. And Abridged Alucard is hilarious, in a dark comedy way. And as I pointed out earlier, while Church may not be as good a strategist as Momonga, he's more paranoid about keeping the denizens of the Tomb of Nazarick on a tight leash, because he knows what they could do running around unchecked. So instead of pretending to be an evil overlord like Momonga does, he basically tries to win the denizens around to his way of thinking, making allowances for their evil alignment. He basically says, 'Yeah, you can do evil, as long as it's to the right guys'.**

 **rmarcano321** **: Ninya accepts her gender, but other adventurers may not. Lukrut himself makes a rather callous remark about girls being distracting, and given Tsuare's fate, Ninya may be trying to avoid that herself. Also, keep in mind that the old lady you mentioned, Kaire, was capable of using the Downfall of Castle and Country, and I'd be willing to bet that she's a powerful mage too, so while Church shouldn't be proud of killing her, she was certainly a threat that needed to be eliminated.**

 **1\. Solution is, of course, quoting the rather macabre joke left on the shark-mauled body of Felix Leiter in the James Bond novel** ** _Live and Let Die_** **, and while that didn't make it into the movie, it would later go into the movie** ** _Licence to Kill_** **.**

 **2\. This is what Noah Kaiba says to Seto Kaiba in Episode 53 of** ** _Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series_** **.**


	16. Chapter 15: Relics

**CHAPTER 15:**

 **RELICS**

It had been a busy night for Ainz Ooal Gown. Now, Demiurge had a lot of prisoners to deal with, hopefully something that would keep the sadistic demon happy for a while. Renner seemed pleased as well. Church had emphasised to them both that he was completely dismantling the operation of the Eight Fingers. He wasn't going to take it over. Maybe he didn't stop all crime in the Kingdom of Re-Estize…but he'd dealt it a major blow. Plus, with Demiurge's misdirection, the kingdom had bigger things to worry about than a bunch of criminals going missing. He'd be giving Renner any paperwork or resources they found, and she intended to hand it off to Gazef.

That being said, Church knew he had just condemned hundreds to die. Many of them horribly and slowly, at the hands of the likes of Demiurge and Neuronist and the other torture technicians of Nazarick. He was surprised at how unfazed he was at that. Then again, considering what happened to Tsuare, maybe he shouldn't have been. There was far more blood on the hands of the Eight Fingers than there were on his, more pain and misery that they had cause, all in the name of profit.

Still, he found himself in the study of the manor Sebas and Solution resided at, drinking from a bottle of what seemed to be the local equivalent of bourbon. Renner and the Blue Roses were discussing things with Brain, Gazef, and Sebas in the living room. So he was surprised when he heard the door open, and the masked figure of Evileye stood in the door. "What's wrong?" Church asked.

Evileye looked at him for a time, before she said, "I want to talk."

"Talk away. You can't be as bad as Caboose."

Evileye closed the door behind her, and walked in, her masked head turning to take in the books there. Another chair was drawn up to the desk Church was sitting at. Eventually, she asked, "Are you a Player?"

Church frowned. "…What do you mean by a Player?"

"I mean, are you one of the ones from _Yggdrasil?_ "

Oh. _Ohhh_. She knew about the game somehow. Eventually, he said, "That's complicated. The better question is, how do _you_ know about them?" Church peered at her mask. "You've got the body of a kid, and yet, you speak like you're older…way older. And you wear a mask…because you're not human, are you? Plus, what kind of cockbite calls their kid Evileye? What's your real name?"

After a moment, the girl admitted, "Keene Fasris Inberun(1). Not that there are really any people who would know where to look it up. I've been known by a few names over the years, some more infamous than others. The same goes for Players."

"So other Players have made it from _Yggdrasil_ to this world?" Church asked in disbelief.

"Many think of them as gods. I'm probably one of the few who knows even a little of the truth. Whatever they are, they're immensely and ridiculously powerful."

"…Geez, that's fucked up," Church said, running a hand through his hair. "But…I don't think you know the full story."

"I know enough to be worried if you are a Player."

"Hey…I'm an asshole…but I try to do good, Keene. Besides…I'm not sure whether I technically count as a Player. I'm…well, a ghost, I guess you can say. Or…well, that's what I thought. Long story short, I ended up in _Yggdrasil_ by accident. I didn't even know about this world. _Yggdrasil_ …how do I explain it to guys like you who haven't even developed gunpowder or the steam engine? It was like a game, only, you could experience it for yourself, like it was a dream you didn't have to wake up from. You could be a hero, slaying monsters and the like…or you could just loot whatever the hell you liked." He sighed quietly.

"…I actually heard of something of that before, from the Players I have met," Keene said. "They called it 'virtual reality' and a 'Dive MMORPG'."

"Yeah." Church peered at Keene. "Why the mask?"

"…It helps conceal what I am."

"And what's that?" Church asked. On her silence, his voice softened. "Hey, I'm not going to judge you if you're not human. Pretty much nobody in Ainz Ooal Gown is. As long as you're not like those idiots in the Eight Fingers, I don't care."

Keene seemed to be torn, before she said quietly, "I don't know why I'm doing this." But she carefully brought her hands to her mask, and took it away, revealing her face.

Church stared. She was a cute girl, he had to admit. If she'd ever been allowed to grow up, she would have been a looker. But her features, framed by long locks of golden hair, were lugubrious, holding a sense of age.

Of course, there were her eyes, crimson, peering up at him warily. A fang poked out of her lips in a manner that could have been considered cute or endearing. Which meant…

"You're a vampire. Jesus, you got a bad hand, didn't you?" Church reached out his hand to touch Keene's face, noting how cool it felt to the touch.

"…You're not frightened of me?"

"Hey, as long as you're not gonna go all Alucard on my ass or sparkle in the daylight, then no. Then again, I get the feeling I'm more powerful than you anyway. Must be tough, looking like a kid when you're really an adult." On an impulse, Church gently drew her into a hug. "And they don't treat vampires well here, do they?"

"They don't treat vampires well anywhere," Keene said, looking to the side. "With good reason."

"Especially in the Slane Theocracy?"

Keene nodded. "Their ultimate goal is noble enough, to protect humans from non-human threats…but their methods, as you know, leave a lot to be desired."

"Yeah, well…I intend to take those fuckers down. They were willing to murder innocent people in Carne just to lure Gazef out. If they really believe that's the right thing to do, all for the sake of supposedly saving humanity? Like you said, their ultimate goal's great and all, but they killed a lot of innocent people beforehand, just to lure one guy out. And like I said, I'm an asshole, but there's a lot of stuff I won't put up with. Not anymore. Ditto with the Eight Fingers. You heard what they did to Tsuare, an innocent girl sold to them by her parents. Her sister went out as an adventurer, trying to find her, and nearly got killed by that crazy bitch Clementine for her troubles."

"And what did you do to them?"

"Vanished the fuckers. Any nobles found working for them, we'll hand over to Renner and Gazef to bring before the King. Everyone else…well, you don't want to know. And considering what they did to other people…they got what they deserved. Yeah, it's probably more than a little self-righteous of me, but still…"

Keene seemed thoughtful, albeit disturbed, before she shook her head. "Throughout history, you hear of waves of powerful beings every century. The Six Gods of the Slane Theocracy, the Eight Greed Kings, the Evil Spirits…and you appear right a century after the last wave of them."

"And you said you knew Players…"

"I knew two of them personally, yes. They spoke of strange things. But they killed each other in an argument. Still…I think you yourself are righteous, or at least more righteous than most." She fixed him with her crimson gaze. "So let me give you some advice. There are people and forces in this world that know of Players…and fear them, with good reason. And I think they'll have noticed what you're doing already. And even if they don't know about Players…there are others still who will view your actions over the past while with concern. Prince Barbro, for example…if you are not under his control, he may believe you to be a threat. And he hungers for glory in the same way many vampires hunger for blood. Zanac and Renner will believe it best to keep you close, albeit at arm's length. But Barbro…he is a glory-hungry fool. And, of course, it goes without saying what the road to hell is paved with."

"Maybe. But…my mission, the one I chose when I came here…it's to protect those who can't protect themselves. I mean, most of my life has been one fuck-up after another, so it'd be great for once to be able to succeed at something. And those people or forces who know of Players…are they strong?"

"Very, a lot of them."

"Then where the fuck were they when Tsuare got sold? Where the fuck were they when the Slane Theocracy murdered innocent people to draw out one guy? Where they fuck were they when Clementine killed Peter Mauk and Lukrut Volve, and plotted with Khajit to raise an undead army? If they're a god, they're either dicks, or slacking on the job. At least you and the Blue Roses are getting off your asses and doing good in this kingdom. But if anyone has a problem with me being a Player…then maybe they ought to actually _do_ something to help the world rather than throwing stones from their glass houses."

Keene stared at him, before a low chuckle escaped her lips, a sad, twisted thing. Then, she said, "Sorry. You…you remind me a lot of myself. I'll be honest, I spent a long time since my time in the Thirteen Heroes in something of a funk. It was only a little while back that an old friend of mine got me out of it. She made a bet with me: if she defeated me, then I would take her place in the Blue Roses." A rueful smile touched her lips. "They annoy me, especially Gargaran…but for all their faults, I like them. It was the best bet I ever lost, even if I had to deal with my old friend calling me a crybaby when I lost."

"Yeah. I used to have comrades too. Annoying as all hell, and Caboose ended up killing me by accident…but…well, I miss them. Tucker with his libido, Caboose being all like a kid, Tex helping us out when she decided to…" Church shook his head.

"…Killing you? Oh, right, you said you were a ghost or something," Keene said.

"Yeah. Though some fuckers claimed I was an AI or something. I mean, they're probably right, but…I can't help but be in denial. Because it means everything about myself is a lie."

"Is that why you're drinking?"

"A little bit."

Keene sighed quietly. "I'm over two centuries old. I have more regrets in my life than you have, I'm sure." She took her mask away, and fixed it back on her face, becoming Evileye once more. "Just remember what I said. And keep your followers on a leash. You may not want to cause harm to this land, but your followers are another matter." With that, she left the study.

* * *

Keene's revelations got Church to thinking. Where would the most powerful beings in this world reside? He began asking around, and got an intriguing lead, partly thanks to the researches of the NPCs. Apparently, the Eight Greed Kings had left a floating citadel called Eryuentiu. It was rumoured to be the seat of a most powerful being now.

So, over the next few days, Church began checking the floating fortress. He needed a distraction from what happened to the Eight Fingers, anyway. But the fortress had some sort of anti-surveillance magic, and not long after they tried to penetrate the inside to scry what was inside, they witnessed what looked like an elaborate suit of armour fly away from Eryuentiu. And its bearing suggested it was heading for Carne.

So, Church made the decision. He would head out there to face whoever was coming here himself.

It took a lot of persuading to Albedo and the other NPCs to prevent them from following him. So, he went out to the graveyard of Carne, and waited, hoping that whoever was coming would come to him, and not to Nazarick or to Carne. He looked down at the grave of Enri and Nemu's father as he waited.

Then, he heard a deep, raspy, but surprisingly gentle-sounding voice, sounding hollow, even a little echoing. " _What manner of being are you?_ "

Church turned to face the armoured being standing a little way behind him. "You tell me, bud. Did I spook you by trying to play voyeur? Sorry about that, but a mutual acquaintance told me about people like you in the world…assuming you're a person. I was going to rock up and say hello, but…I guess you decided to take the initiative."

The armoured being approached, the visor of the helmet seemingly peering at Church. " _You must be speaking of Evileye, given that I have heard of an armoured man with a golden visor to his helm being involved in Re-Estize_ ," the being said.

"I prefer Keene. Sounds normal, unlike Evileye."

" _She told you her birth name? That's not like her. She has had many names, many she does not like. Once, she was known and feared as the Nation Breaker(_ _2)_." The armoured being seemed to frown behind its visor. " _You are not a Player…and yet, you are not like their thralls, the NPCs as they call them. You are somewhere between. But are you friend or foe?_ "

"Look, buddy, I generally don't start shit, but I end it. I'm not going to conquer the world. But I'm not gonna sit by and let bad shit happen to people. That's why the Eight Fingers are no more. They pissed me off by using and abusing the sister of someone I grew to like. And don't get too attached to the Slane Theocracy, either. You see these graves here? The most recent ones were all because the Theocracy wanted to kill them, all to draw out Gazef Stronoff. So, if you're going to take issue with me because of that, then why don't you get out of your goddamned ivory tower for once and actually _help_ people, _you hypocritical_ _ **cockbite!**_ "

For a moment, Church thought he may have gone too far. The armour seemed to be trembling with rage, and Church had flashbacks to the Meta. A strange rhythmic growling came from the armour, before Church realised, to his shock, that the wearer was actually _chuckling!_

" _In all my years of living, few have spoken to me as you have. A woman by the name of Rigrit is one of the few others, and even she wasn't quite so impertinent._ " The armoured being then met Church's gaze. " _But what of the NPCs who follow you? Even from here, I can feel the foulness of their souls._ "

"Hey, they listen to me, pal. And if they do evil, isn't it better to do evil for good?"

" _A dangerous road to travel. I would have your name, interloper._ "

"…Interloper? You've got to work on your people skills. Anyway, I am Leonard L Church, former leader of the Blue Team of Blood Gulch…now head of Ainz Ooal Gown."

"… _Interesting. Most Players did not give their names so readily. And yet, I sense there is another name to you, one that you deny. Well then, Leonard L Church, I am Zeynedelux Vaishion. You seem righteous, despite the taints to your soul and your selfishness. But know this. Should you stray from the path of justice, then I will view you and Ainz Ooal Gown as another enemy. Players and their thralls have robbed me of many of my friends and allies, from actions direct and indirect. Even the one Player I considered a friend was taken by me due to the treachery of another. At best, they are children who don't know what to do with their power. At worst, they become the worst kind of demon._ "

"Yeah, well…you've never heard of the Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory, have you? Applies to online gaming. Me…I'm an asshole, but…I think I've found my calling."

After a moment, Zeynedelux seemed to nod. " _Hmm. Just remember, Leonard L Church, I will be keeping an eye on you. And I do have responsibilities. Just not in this kingdom. But beware. This hamlet is close to the Baharuth Empire's borders, and they are sure to have taken notice of Ainz Ooal Gown by now. If you truly care for the people here, then heed that warning, for the Emperor's power, while petty in comparison to beings such as ours, would be devastating to those you claim to shepherd._ "

"Got it. I've got my people working on that."

" _Then farewell. I hope that should we have cause to meet again, then it will not be on the battlefield._ " And with that, Zeynedelux shot into the air, leaving Church with more questions than answers. Then again, had anyone told him that he had just survived a meeting with the Platinum Dragon Lord, debatably the most powerful creature remaining in this world, then he would have been grateful that things didn't escalate…

 **CHAPTER 15 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So…that just happened. I was always going to have Church discuss the events in Re-Estize with another character, but who? The choice came down to either Gazef or Evileye, and I found Evileye more interesting. I wanted to show her in a different light to** ** _Overlord_** **canon, as well as show that she knows about Players. Unlike Shirou in Leona-do's** ** _Fate Overlord_** **, Church decides to tell the truth to Evileye. It gives them a certain camaraderie. Church doesn't judge Evileye for being a vampire, and Evileye, having known two of the better Players, understands what Church is.**

 **As for the Platinum Dragon Lord…well, that was tricky. I actually considered bringing him in to confront Church shortly after he dealt with the Black Scripture all the way back in Chapter 9 (though I left a vague hint of that), but I thought that might lead to a fight. Here, I had them confronting, but not fighting, each other. For now, the Platinum Dragon Lord is going to give Church enough rope to hang himself with. They're not allies, but they're not enemies, not now, and hopefully, never. There's at least one theory I came across where the Platinum Dragon Lord engineered the two Players in the Thirteen Heroes killing each other, but here, that isn't the case. Instead, the Platinum Dragon Lord is keeping a very close eye on Nazarick.**

 **Incidentally, Amanda Lee (a singer of anime song covers, as well as Crusch Lulu in the official dub of the anime!) has done a REALLY good version of** ** _Voracity_** **. Look it up. And while I enjoyed Studio Yuraki's version, I really love Amanda Lee's version.**

 **Now, this will be the last chapter for a while. Once I receive Volume 8 of the light novels and read it, I will try to write a new chapter, which will focus either on the events of that volume, or I will decide to skip to the events of Volume 7 (which take place after Volume 8).**

 **Review-answering time!** **Reishin Amara** **: …What the hell? They put Red Bull…into an espresso. That sounds insane.**

 **1\. While technically her first name is Keeno, I decided to change it to 'Keene', to make it sound a little more normal.**

 **2\. Many translations call Evileye's original appellation 'Landfall', but I think the light novels' translation of 'Nation Breaker' is a lot more descriptive.**


	17. Chapter 16: To Prepare a Trap

**CHAPTER 16:**

 **TO PREPARE A TRAP**

Church frowned as he listened to Demiurge's report. Ever since the destruction of the Eight Fingers, there had been something of a lull in events, aside from a few incidents involving monsters in the forests around Carne. The two had come to a détente. As long as Demiurge only targeted people like the Eight Fingers for his experiments, Church would turn a blind eye to his Omega-like antics. Demiurge would also act as Church's spymaster, and advise him on possible courses of action.

He'd shot down Demiurge's suggestion that they become their own country…at least officially. Unofficially, he had no problem with Carne and Nazarick acting as a state within a state in Re-Estize, as long as it remained unofficial. He wanted to protect the people of Carne, and Re-Estize had been doing a shitty job, with Gazef arriving too late, though that was partly due to the luring tactics of the Slane Theocracy and the machinations of the nobles trying to kill Gazef by proxy. Gazef wasn't at fault, and indeed, Church was glad that some of the nobles who had blocked him turned out to be supporters of the Eight Fingers. It meant various people could clean house, in a way.

Still, it seemed like Keene's warnings about the Baharuth Empire was on the ball, as Demiurge's report confirmed that someone within the Empire was trying to use surveillance magic on them. What was more, Demiurge's Shadow Demon spies had indicated a meeting between Count Femel and Fluder Paradyne, the latter being the Court Mage of the Emperor. And there was some thought being given to hire Workers to investigate the Tomb of Nazarick. In effect, do some tomb-raiding, with some intel gathering on the side. The Workers were being used as patsies by the Baharuth Empire, meat shields.

Workers, according to what Church had learned, were like Adventurers, only they weren't confined by rules and guidelines. They had no affiliation with Adventurers Guilds, so they needed to gather information on their own, but they also got involved in illegal practises and missions. Thanks to the Blue Roses, Dyne and Ninya, they had some information on some of the more famous Worker groups in Re-Estize and the Baharuth Empire, and Demiurge was refining that with his own espionage.

Church frowned as he looked at the list Demiurge had given to him. "So, according to what your spies told us, the most likely candidates for Workers being sent to us are these guys?"

"Indeed, Lord Church."

"Jeez, they've got worse names for their groups than most rock bands back home," Church muttered. "Tenmu, Heavy Masher, Green Leaf…and Foresight. You have intel on them?"

"Indeed, Lord Church," Demiurge said once more, before handing Church folders that contained dossiers of the various members. They even had photos of some of them, courtesy of using a camera Church formed on a Remote Viewing Mirror. "My lord, I would like to propose a plan to both test our defences, and to showcase our power. In brief, we would allow these fools to come here, and see how they fare against our defences."

Church nodded, humming to himself as he looked through the file on Tenmu. "Okay, okay…well, how about we modify that? Let me ask you something, Demiurge…what motivates these guys?"

"Money," the bespectacled demon said with a shrug.

"Exactly. These guys are mercs. I've dealt with mercs before. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm sure some of these guys I'm going to enjoy having them test our defences." Church scoffed as he slapped the Tenmu file down. "Case in point! See this cockbite? Erya Uzruth, ex-Slane Theocracy, only named member of Tenmu, supported in battle by a trio of Elf sex-slaves with their bloody ears cut off! I'm half-tempted to throw him to Aura or Mare, and tell them to have fun. But my point is, Demiurge, aside from those guys that I wanna kill on principle…maybe we could make them a better offer. Whatever the Empire paid them to try and do some tomb-raiding, we up the ante. Buy them out." He picked up another folder.

"How can we be assured of their loyalty to Ainz Ooal Gown?" Demiurge asked. "Money may not be enough, especially for foolish humans who despise nonhumans."

"I don't think that's gonna be a problem with this lot," Church said, having picked up the file on Foresight. "These guys, I think, will definitely be on the 'keep' pile. They've got a half-Elf amongst them. Quite a looker too, even if she's as flat as a washboard." He frowned when he came across a file on one Arche Eeb Rile Furt. "Geez, a kiddy caster, _again?_ Why the hell is a kid her age working with a Worker group? I mean, is she like Ninya, needing to look for her sister or something?"

"I do have some information on her. If I may, my lord?" Demiurge asked. On Church's nod, Demiurge said, "In the Baharuth Empire, Emperor Jircniv has purged many noble families, as well as bringing many others low, keeping in power only those he believes are useful to him. Many nobles foolishly live beyond their means, despite having less income than they used to. In checking the backgrounds of the various Workers, we found that this girl's parents are amongst the more profligate, with debt collectors being frequent visitors to their household, and she is the only one in the family with any notable income. Her parents sneer at her skills and work, treating her efforts with undue contempt. She may be a weakling by the standards of Nazarick, but by the standards of the humans here, she is actually quite the prodigy, trained by none other than Fluder Paradyne himself. By all accounts, the only members of her family that she is close to are her younger sisters."

"So she's a child labourer to support deadbeat parents? Son of a bitch," Church growled in disgust.

"They're contemptible human beings indeed," agreed Demiurge, "living to excess, caring little about how they will pay for it. Indeed, our Shadow Demons have heard them considering selling off the youngest daughters into servitude."

Church froze, and then matched Demiurge's gaze. "Well…I think I've definitely found some more test subjects for you."

"Purging the Eight Fingers have given me a surfeit, but it would certainly please me to receive more," Demiurge said. "Can I presume that you wish to help the girl and her sisters escape?"

"And inflict some overdue karma while I'm at it, by the sound of it."

"I see. Of course, simply buying them off before they come here would not be ideal," Demiurge said. "If Fluder is involved, then he or the Emperor would wonder about how and why. Better to have them disappear within Nazarick. And if they re-emerge, well, at least they can say that they had to plead for their miserable lives, in order to save face."

"Yeah. Now, we're in this mostly to protect the Re-Estize Kingdom, mostly from those cockbites at the Slane Theocracy, though if the Empire comes a-calling…"

"Hmm. Incidentally, it should be noted that it is approaching the time for the annual…sabre-rattling, as I believe humans put it, between Re-Estize and the Baharuth Empire. Will we declare for one side or the other?"

"Re-Estize, for now at least," Church said. "Don't get me wrong, I don't want to start a war, but if one does start, I'll end it. The problem is, you've probably got morons who make Caboose look like Einstein with the medieval fantasy setting equivalent of itchy trigger fingers. Have we got any request from the King regarding all that?"

"Our spies report the matter being heavily debated. Even with the Eight Fingers purged and their supporters amongst the nobility hobbled, the faction looking to take power from the king still has considerable influence. And it seems that Evileye's warning about Prince Barbro is holding weight. He is itching to come down to Carne and investigate us. Incidentally, we have been investigating Renner, and she is a rather interesting human. She seems not unlike us in terms of mindset."

Church grimaced at the reminder of the princess who set off all his Omega alarms. "Well, better keep her onside, to be sure. Anyway, back to these poor bastards coming along. I'll be going over these files. Some of these guys, we'll be using to test the defences of Nazarick. Others, we'll be making a better offer, particularly Foresight. Am I understood?"

"Of course, Lord Church…"

* * *

"Lord Church, is this wise?" Albedo asked after he briefed her on the rough draft of their plan. "Can we trust these Workers?"

"Depends on the Workers. I reckon Foresight will be able to be recruited without much trouble. However, the others will be at our discretion, based on their reaction to events in Nazarick. As I said, we're going to deal with the leader of Tenmu with prejudice. We'll use him as an example to give some incentive to the others. I'm trying to think of a suitable fate for this cockbite. Given that he is from the Slane Theocracy, a slave owner and a rapist douche, well…"

"…What is wrong with being a slave owner?" Albedo asked. "Technically, you are one."

Church winced. "I think of you as my servants. Hell, I'd pay you if you'd accept it."

"Forgive me for offending you with the comparison. However, after seeing what the Eight Fingers did to the likes of Tsuare, I agree that an owner of unwilling sex slaves is utterly contemptible," Albedo said with a haughty sniff. "It is one thing to be a willing concubine, and yet another to be conscripted into such a thing. A willing servant is more agreeable than an unwilling slave. I will agree that your methods are working, Lord Church. Do you think this will prevent the Baharuth Empire from making any further incursion into Nazarick?"

"Maybe. Once I make an example of this Erya Uzruth prick, I'll film it and bring it to Jircniv. That, and any other examples I have to make of the Workers. I'll make it clear that I will be protecting Re-Estize from incursions from Baharuth and the Slane Theocracy. From what Demiurge has gathered on him, for all the fact that he's a tyrant, he's also got a good head on his shoulders, so enough of a demonstration of force might be enough to get him to come to the table. Also, we'll have to make plans to extract Arche's family from the Baharuth Empire once we confirm her loyalty."

"And what will you have us do with the Workers that we secure the allegiances of?"

"Have them act as our agents for dirty work, especially where they know more than we do. Keep in mind, we've been mainly concentrating on Re-Estize, the Slane Theocracy, and the Baharuth Empire. And that guy in armour came from somewhere in the Argland Council State. There's the Dwarf Kingdom in the mountains, the Roble Holy Kingdom, and so on. Frankly, given how badly that Zeynedelux guy didn't like you guys, there's probably more people out there who hate Players and NPCs, and maybe we don't want to draw the ire of those who have issues with them, just in case they turn out to be stronger than us. The Workers can be potentially good sources of info, not to mention being proxies. Besides…as long as they're not utter douches, we can work with mercenaries…"

* * *

Elsewhere in reality, a pair of men sneezed. One went by the nom de guerre of Felix, the other by the name of Locus. "Hey, who the fuck is talking smack about me behind my back?!" Felix snapped, his weaselly features screwed up in anger beneath his helmet.

"How long a list would you like?" Locus, in an unusual moment of snarkery, retorted. Then again, his partner did have a tendency to annoy others, including himself. It seemed to be his _raison d'etre_.

"Oh look, it speaks!" Felix snapped. "Goddammit, now I've gotta wipe the snot off my visor…"

* * *

Albedo nodded. "Very well, Lord Church. But will the Baharuth Empire be cowed into leaving us alone through such an act?"

"Well, I hope it's enough. I want you and Demiurge to brainstorm possible ideas to ensure that. Just as long as it's gonna cause less of a mess…or loss of life. We want the Empire to remember one thing when dealing with us."

"And what's that?"

Church grinned viciously. " _Don't make me come over there._ "

Albedo returned his vicious grin. "I love it. Perhaps that should be the new motto of Ainz Ooal Gown. Then again, I believe there wasn't an old one, unless ' _Glory to Ainz Ooal Gown_ ' counts, and while that is indeed superlative, it doesn't have the same level of threat as your motto. Still…thinking about ways of deterring enemies through fear, but with a minimum of loss of life…I have to admit, it's interesting."

"As long as it doesn't come back to bite us on our collective asses, that's great. Hopefully, we won't need to use that. Geez, I'm beat. We'll have to get ready to head to the Baharuth Empire tomorrow. And sorry, Albedo, but I ain't up to sleeping with you in anything but the most literal sense for now…"

"That is fine," Albedo said, her smile now gentle and caring. "A Succubus I may be, but I am not blind to my lord's needs for things other than sex. But you still want me to hold you?"

"Well, yeah."

"Then I am at your service, Lord Church…"

 **CHAPTER 16 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So…it's been a while, huh? Yeah, yeah, I'm sure many of you are annoyed at the delay. It's partly due to waning interest in** ** _Red vs Blue_** **, and because, well, this story feels like it's approaching a conclusion, albeit an anticlimactic one.**

 **I've actually been sitting on the first half of this chapter for months, but didn't know where to go. I was going to bring the Workers in, but I couldn't figure out how to do it. I felt it needed more of a full chapter for that.**

 **Anyway, I decided to come back to this because I've begun to watch the third series of** ** _Overlord_** **. That, and I recently updated** ** _Yield to the Darkness_** **, my Potterverse crossover, though readers of that will know that I am giving considerable thought to a remount of that story. That won't happen here, in case you're worried.**

 **Back in Chapter 14, I brought up Foresight and Arche in particular. Their fate was one of the points that showed that Ainz had lost most of his humanity (though debatably, that showed further back, like when he allowed Demiurge to kidnap innocents for experiments during Volume 6), and left a bad taste in my mouth. I've decided to spare the entirety of Foresight, though the other Worker groups are up in the air. Well, save for Tenmu. Eryu is gonna die, and die horribly. How? Well, my first thought was to have him get the same treatment Clementine did in canon, you know, the Bear Hug of Death. But I'm open to any suggestion that catches my eye.**

 **Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this bit of filler. I dunno when the next chapter will be out…sorry.**

 **Review-answering time!** **Slayer of the Abyss** **: Harems are harder to write than people think. Leaving aside the need to justify it in the cultural background of the story (Naruto fanfics use the fanon of the Clan Restoration Act, though** ** _High School DxD_** **at least has the justification built into Devil society), you also need to justify it with the characters, in that would they be willing to be engaged in a polyamorous relationship? Also, I can't write lemons to save my life, so I try to avoid writing any. As for the rest of the** ** _Red vs Blue_** **cast, I'm not sure, but that's something for later.**

 **No numbered annotations this time.**


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